What Would Nancy Do?

Testing

2009-10-13T09:30:00.003-04:00

I have been seriously neglecting this blog and I am thinking of starting fresh with a new tumbler instead. I need more things to distract me from my life.

Well in any case, a friend recently told me that it isnt right to test the people in your life when they dont know they are being tested. This came after I told her my idea that the person you love should go get you lobster at 2am if that is what you wanted. And I suggested that it be put to the test without the other person knowing because then you can really know if they will do it.

So I guess I kind of agreed, its not fair to judge people or test them without their knowledge but now I have changed my mind and here is why...

If you were being tested on knowledge, like what is my favorite ice cream and my sisters middle name, ok those are facts, things that you could ask and remember and study for.

new york superfudge chunk and Leigh in case you were wondering.

but if i am testing you on character then no, i can pull a test out at anytime i want, pop quiz style or surprise final exam and you should always be prepared because your character should not be something you need to remember or study for.

If i ask you if you would get me lobster at 2am and your instant reaction is to say no and i have to explain to you why i believe that is what makes you my soulmate well than you are not my soulmate.

And if i test you with information about a crisis in my life and you dont respond like i think you should why should i give you a second chance?

I have been through a lot of tragedy in my life and the thing is... I have discovered a quick and easy way to weed out the dead weight, the excess baggage in my world.

When my family is sick or in need of a prayer or a phone call or just an email and that doesnt come...well what do i need you for in my life?

Exactly I dont.

If you fail the test, you dont get a makeup or a do over or a second chance.

And that may sound shallow, judgemental or just plain mean but I am going through a tough time, just one short email like hey nancy how are you? no need to dwell on the issues, just a quick hello how are you?

if not, back away from my life please, i do not need a fair weather friend, too much has happened and too much can happen.

I dont have the energy to worry about it.

You failed the test.

Done.

Dr. D4little

2009-09-25T09:17:00.002-04:00

I am going back to writing stories about my family which was the point of this whole blog anyway. I think maybe all of my readers have had enough of my ridiculous ideas about the world. I reserve the right to continue to blab if the following occurs:

1. Sarah Palin ever runs for anything again. I have a follow up to my If you give a moose a high powered assault rifle to share called Cloudy with a chance of Assininity.

2. Kid Rock asks me too write a blog about his life.

Ok back to my story.

D4 is a serious animal lover and she is a dedicated animal lover which really just means that she will pick up any stray animal and want to keep it forever.

Presently this weekend she will be babysitting for 3 cats and 2 dogs. I told you she is dedicated.

So way back when, I wish I could remember the date exactly but it was springtime maybe 4 years ago or so when D4 was about 10, we had an incident we like to call the bad bad bunny incident.

We are in the house minding our own beeswax when the landscaper comes to the door holding something little and furry in his hands which I instantly think is a rat and hopefully dead.

He explains that while he was mowing the lawn, a group of little baby bunnies sprung up from the ground and ran off but these 2 were left behind. Obviously the runts of the group.

He is cradling this little bunny in his arms so I refrained from suggesting he stick them back in the ground and run over them with his lawn mower.

I am like Ok what do you want me to do with some rejected orphan wild bunnies.

And then D4 hears this and comes racing down with a bucket and says oh can we keep them.

Uhhh...if she didnt hear we could have had some nice rabbit stew for dinner but NOOOO, there we are in the backyard transferring them to a container and bringing them in the house.

Wild rabbits in the kitchen. What else do I need? Dont answer that.

So we settle the bunnies in, at the time we were between dogs so we were pet free.

And we head off to the pet store to stock up on rabbit supplies.

A cage with toys and rabbit fluff for the bottom, rabbit food, who knows what else.

So we bring it all home and make our new wild rabbits a home in our house.

D4 has a giant bucket that she lets the bunnies go in so they can play.

We leave the bunnies in this bucket which has 14 inch high walls and no top on top of the kitchen table you know so they can play.

D4 comes into my room in the morning and says where did you put the bunnies?

Where did I put the bunnies, I wouldnt touch those things, they are in the bucket in the kitchen.

Umm, no they arent.

D4, dont be funny, of course they are in there, how could they have gotten out.

Mom they are not in there, they escaped.

Yeah right how could 2 tiny baby bunnies jump over a 14 inch wall from the kitchen table and not be splattered on the kitchen floor.

You better be kidding, D4 or I am going to kill you.

Suddenly I start picturing bunnies multiplying in my walls. Millions of bunnies taking over the house, you know what they say about multiplying like rabbits right?

Or then I picture days going by and then there being a smell, a smell that is a combination of rotting flesh and ass, combined with burnt broccoli and farts. If you never had a dead rat in your wall you might not be familiar with this smell but I am and I never want to smell it again.

Or I think perhaps I may go into the bathroom one day and a giant rabbit with pointy teeth may come out of the drain to get revenge for our lack of car in taking care of it. A rabbit that has grown to epic proportions by being exposed to a combination of soft scrub bleach and curly hair shampoo.

Or worst of all I fear that we will be looking for something long into the future and we will find a dead little bunny curled up next to my precious Mrs. Beasley doll desperately trying to find its mother and resigning itself to dying alone and sad with a 1970's retro doll.

So we begin the search. Hubby is whispering, Nan there is no way we are going to find them. They are tiny and who knows how long they have been gone. And I am starting to freak out like yeah we are going to find them. WE ARE!!!

The kids start looking around and the bunnies are no where to be found. Seriously how the hell did 2 tiny baby rabbits figure out a way to get out of a bucket on top of a table in a pretty big house and disappear? I saw them whispering together the day before but I thought they were just admiring my hair. I didnt know they were concocting an escape plan.

After quite some time and the realization that they were gone for good, I remember that once a long time ago I found a dead mouse under the stove. Maybe that is a secret hiding place for bunnies.

And lo and behold, there was one of them. And when I found him he said Tag your it. I didnt know we were playing a game. Where is your brother I said to bunny 1? Thats not how the game works, you gotta find him too.

So I search and search and I decide to look in all the places rodents have been before in my house and that is where I find him hiding behind a box in the den.

And I say Ok D4 out they go to the world. No mom they are too little to be on their own. Oh yeah they just escaped from a high security prison cell and now you want me to what put them in solitary.

Obviously they cant be trusted they are making up secret plans. Who knows what they will do next, infiltrate the TV station and make every channel play Bugs Bunny. This could be dangerous D4 we must let them go.

and we did and that is why today when we come home and there are bunnies on our lawn we try to ask them some questions to see if they are the bunnies that we fostered in our home for a few days in the spring of some year i cant remember.

And that is why D4 was planning on being a veterinarian until she became obsessed with George Clooney from ER and is now going to be a pediatrician.

Oh damn I hope she doesnt find some homeless children to bring in, I dont know if I have a cage big enough.

Love at 16

2009-09-13T09:09:00.002-04:00

It must be some sort of crazy coincidence that I never feel the urge to blog until I have a ton of homework to do.

I have clearly had the whole summer, even days where all the kids were gone and I was totally alone but did I blog? Ok maybe a little but this morning with Abnormal Psychology homework looming, I thought, hmm, I should blog.

I hated high school.
And everything about it, from the teachers to the cliques to the drama, the only thing I could say about high school is that I was soooo glad it was over and never looked back.

I got married 6 months after high school and while everyone was off going to college, drinking, partying, Hubby and I were in our first apartment living the newlywed life and loving every minute of it.

We found out we were pregnant in July 1986 as most of our friends were heading back to college for their sophomore year.

We were in such a different place(physically and mentally, we lived in Boston) than most people our age that we didnt really keep in touch with anyone from high school.We just had nothing in common. No one could understand why we wanted to be together instead of out running around playing the field.

Many many people criticized our choice and made sure we knew it was never going to last. They said we were young, didnt know what we wanted and when real life dealt us some blows we would see it would all fall to crap.

But instead we have built one of the most beautiful, pure, love relationships that I have ever seen even in the movies. We knew then that we loved each other and despite the failures of relationships like ours all around us we survived, not just survived, flourished.

Life has dealt us more than our share of blows. Things that could and normally would paralyze any couple until they just broke apart without any possibility of fixing it. but I have a theory and of course I know you are dying to hear my words of wisdom.

When you are 16, the age I was when I realized how much I loved Hubby and wanted to spend my life with him, people will say it isnt real and things change and you have to grow up first and I have to disagree based soley on my own exprerience but still...

When you are 16, life is just beginning. There is a whole possiblity of a future in whatever way you want it to go. You picture yourself either in a career, oh i want to be a doctor or finding the love of your life or whatever. The possiblities are endless and because of that you are free to pursue every feeling as it is, pure. You love, you hate, you get angry, you get sad, you laugh yourself into hysteria, they are real feelings.

Later as you get older you start hiding those things. Some emotions are socially unacceptable so you dont cry out or laugh too hard. You tear up or you stifle a laugh but you have already begun to hide yourself from the world therefore shielding yourself from the possibility of true, deep love.

When 16 year olds say I love you to each other as Hubby and I did when we were that age, we meant it with all of our hearts, we meant you make me feel so good about myself and I want that to continue. When we were 19 and found out I was pregnant and said I love you it was different but it meant we are a family now, we are growing our love. At 27 when Hubby had cancer and didnt know if he would survive and we said I love you, we meant I have loved you for a long time and I want to love you some more,please dont leave me.

And after all the years of I love you's, the rest of our beautiful childrens births and proud moments, our anniversaries, our illnesses, our pain and suffering through trauma after trauma, of course it means something different now. How could it not? After all the things we have experienced together, we know each other better than anyone else.

At 16 I couldnt have known that he would get me lobster at 2am if I needed it. I couldnt have forseen the look in his eyes when each daughter was born. I couldnt predict the pain we have gone through in the loss of some extremely special people in our lives. All I knew is that he made me feel special and I loved him for that.

I still believe that it doesnt matter how old you are when you find the true love of your life and they love you back you should go for it.

Hubby and I went to his 25th high school reunion a few weeks ago although it caused me to have an unbelievable panic attack right before we went in. Hubby was so excited to go, because unlike me, he loved high school and was anxious to see everyone after 25 years. I made some last minute pleas in the parking lot and he said we didnt have to go if I really didnt want to.

I knew how much he wanted to go though so I begrudgingly walked into what I thought would be a night of total hell. "who are you?" "No i dont remember you from high school" Brings me right back to senior year when hubby left for the navy and i had no friends.

Anyway...we actually had a great time and saw some people that were interesting and fun.

So it was with a little bit of anxiety that yesterday I agreed to meet the Girls of 84 for lunch. Of course you know I am way younger than them, I graduated in 85, but all my friends and various boyfriends were from the class of 84.

There were about 13 of us, all from different groups and cliques. And we had a blast. Some of the people I didnt know too well in high school I was happy to talk to and get to know a little better. It was fun and funny and it was just what I needed to see that although I thought everyone was having a great time in high school that wasnt always the case.

Each of us has gone through something, be it death, sickness or divorce. High school wasnt the party everyone says its supposed to be for a lot of people.

As time goes on and you hear the stories you wonder why you didnt know back then that other people felt the same way as you, why you thought you were the only one.
High school is a moment in time. When you are 16 unfortunately it is your biggest moment in time and therefore you have no reason to believe that things will change.

But let me tell you, they will. Life will continue to change and you will make a decision to change with it or remain stagnant.

Hubby and I changed together, with each others support, with love and caring, we wanted that and we made it work.

Any idiot can sit and chair and talk about change and possibilities but unless you are working on that each and every day you are going to find yourself stuck in a moment, that you cant get out of.(ok so i stole that line from Bono, but it worked here)

You can be that person that goes to their high school reunion with the flock of seagulls haircut and the jordache jeans talking about the last football game of the 83-84 season or you can be you but a little more developed, a little more interesting and with a lot more I love you's under your belt.

Its your choice, make it however you want and run with it.

Shitting in a hole

2009-09-09T22:19:00.004-04:00

As you can guess from this title, I am having cesspool problems again.

Like all other things that constantly fail in my life I have given up the expectation that they will work.

Sooo... I was not surprised yesterday when I heard a weird sound coming from the sink.

It was kind of a groaning, whining, clanging sound.

Apparently it was the sound of sewage backing up into my downstairs bathroom.

Who knew? I guess I am not a cesspool expert.

What I do know is that the genius who keeps coming here to fix it has a different idea everytime, but last night at 8pm when he was stepping in toilet paper and poop from what looked like 2 days he came up with a doozy.

"The cesspool is like a concrete coffin. It has different chambers that fill up with waste but the concrete dividers stop the solid waste from moving from chamber to chamber. The water moves back and forth but the solids they would need to be pumped out because... lalala blah blah blah...give us money and we will screw you again. 750 dollars wasnt enough."

So hubby, who always blindly believes the cesspool people because he is not a cesspool person and he does not play one on tv, tried to explain to me why this makes sense.

"The cesspool is a solid block of concrete because its old, the new ones have holes in them so waste can seep out, blah blah blah lalala."

So my question is this...
How barbaric is this ritual we have?
We bury a concrete coffin into our front yard... and we shit in it.
For real.

I can turn on my computer today and talk live to someone in China. I can get medical information from someone in Australia. We can reattach hands and feet, cure people with cancer, transfer millions of dollars instantly from a bank in Switzerland to a bank in Mt. Sinai, engineer bigger lobsters, juicier apples, genetic engineer little perfect babies with blue eyes, give birth to healthy octuplets, and buy retro toys from the 70's on ebay like Mrs. Beasley and the careers game.

Yet we cannot invent anything more advanced than a cesspool so we shit in a hole.

Yeah, we open a porcelain hole and we shit in it and flush it out to our front lawn.

Or in my case, we try to flush it out to the front lawn but it comes back into the house. Into the downstairs toilet, with everything we washed down the drain from dinner and anything from the dishwasher.

Is there no super powered technologically advanced way of getting rid of Waste?
Why have we settled for this?

I heard some rumors about sewers in the city that transport waste in a better way.. but what because we live in the suburbs free of cockroaches and noise at 7am we cant get this so called "better waste system"

I have insomnia and if you have ever seen Fight Club, insomnia can make you do some pretty weird things.

I have been reading old blogs and i found out a few things.

I was way funnier last year before cesspools and sick husbands and kids with pain in their knees and their hearts made me very unfunny.

I have already forgotten lots of what I wrote down already and I need to double time it with all my stories before the mad cow takes over.

and the brain shrinkage.

Insomnia, Fight Club, its all making sense.
Delusions.
Delusions of grandeur.

Delusions that cesspools will work, knees will heal, cockroaches will die under Little Women and women will raise good boys that dont break hearts to be selfish.

Or should I just build an outhouse?

Letting Go...and Letting In.

2009-09-06T20:34:00.003-04:00

I am not sure when I started noticing the chapters of my life going so quickly.

So many years went by when time seemed to stand still and now so much of it is gone.

My four girls are 8 years apart. So the first 10 years of my marriage we were getting pregnant, giving birth, breast feeding, and in a whirlwind of diapers, doctors visits, and potty training. We dealt with cancer and debt and it was life and we lived it.

When I was married for 10 years my girls were 8,7,2 and 10 months old.

The next 5 years were filled with lots of laundry and food shopping and girl scouts and school functions and it was so busy all the time, I barely had time to stop and breathe, must less shower or think of the future.

I went back to work when D4 was 5 and I worked and cared for a family of 6 without ever thinking anything of it. Life was moving along and it seemed like our world of chaos and giggling and fun would go on forever.

The point is that I never thought that time would end. There were moments when I would have killed, literally killed for a hot bath and a manicure. And now when I have the time for a man/pedi, I want someone to go with me.

I am desperately holding on to the time I have left because after all these years, the time is coming to an end.

In the book Insomnia by Stephen King, there is a death timer that the guy can hear that clicks away, ticking off the last moments of life. That is how I feel now.

Each moment, each event is one day closer to the day when I will have to let go of them all and let them go their own way.

I had a very hard time leaving D1 at college and then the next year I had a really hard time leaving D2 at college.

But we got used to it. We went from a large table of 6 to a small table of 4.

We went from laundry piling up all over the place to a few loads a week. We ate less, spent less at the Outback and enjoyed our new life as a small family.

And things were good for awhile.

The older girls came home now and then. We refinished the bedrooms and made one room a "guest room" where they could stay when they are "visiting". D1 came home last summer for awhile and for awhile this summer while she searched for a job after college.

And today... we moved her into a new apartment.

And she is gone. Gone from a long chapter in our life, on to the beginning of her new life. With so much hope and so much promise. Life for her begins today. She has set out on a journey of Newness.(not a word right? whatever.)

A new world. A new day. No day but today.

And although we will miss her in our own part of the world, I am pleasantly settled in my feelings of her starting her life. I am confident in her ability to adjust and settle in and I am grateful that she has found the most awesome roommate/friend/apartment finder in the world and that they will be sharing this experience together.

Letting go is hard. I helped her move in, we cleaned and shopped and hauled 22 years of stuff up 3 flights of stairs. And then it was time to go. I could have stayed forever.

I wanted to clean more so everything would be spotless, to cook something so they wouldnt starve and to lecture for hours on the dangers of two young girls loose in the city.

But it was time for me to go.

Figuritively and Literally.

Time to go, to let go.

And next year when D2 begins her new life I will let go again. And when D3 leaves for college in one year, more letting go.

And then in just 8 years I will be letting go for the last time. Letting go of my last daughter, letting go of motherhood and all the things that go with it.

I have spent quite some time complaining about my life. Complaining about my kids, my husband, my house, my homework, never my job, i love that.

But I loved it all. Every minute of this crazy ride.

There were many times I didnt think I could make it through and there are rare times when I didnt even want to.

Letting go is part of the ride. Part of the ride I always dreaded. Part of the ride I thought would never come.

But it is here.

And as my time as a mother is starting to end. letting go of one life I loved, trading it for the possibility of another life.

I cant imagine loving anything more than being a mother but until I became a mother I could never imagine life with my children.

The possibility of a new life is one I have to let in. The future is as uncertain to me today as it is to D1 on her first night in her new apartment.

But we are strong determined women and we will make it.

Life has changed and I have to change with it.

I am letting go today and letting in.

But I'm gonna miss this.

Reality TV

2009-08-30T09:58:00.003-04:00

How about this for a new reality series?

A woman is driven to the brink of insanity by little things that go wrong for weeks like computers and tvs breaking and cesspools backing up and family issues and teenage worries and then just when you think she is going to explode her daughter needs knee surgery.

Once the surgery is over and the operation is successful the family is quietly sitting at dinner when the husband has a heart attack??

Too much right?

When you watched it you'd be like "Oh my god this would never happen in real life"
"This is ridiculous do they expect us to believe that someone could endure all this crap and then just leisurely eat brownies and play scrabble with her children"
"Please give us something more realistic like pretty little unicorns fly over a city and use their horns to cure cancer, not that is something i might believe"

SOOO....I wish I could say that this was a fantasy, but unfortunately NO, this stuff really happens(happened)in my life all the time.

Sometimes its comical, like when we looked up Hubbys symptoms and learned that it is entirely possible to scare someone to death.(Ok D3, no more jumping out and scaring daddy as he comes out of the bathroom)

And when we looked at the dinner table while they were taking hubby out in a stretcher and the ambulance crew said "Do you eat like this regularly?" Just because there was 5 lbs of buttery creamy mashed potatoes and 4 lbs of mooing steak and corn drenched in butter sauce.

My friend said I should have said, "No the rest of the people are on their way now"

Granted for years I have been laughing about sticks of butter in my food, cream in every cup of coffee I drink and my famous 3000 calorie pasta primavera, sorry Maria, cant make that again when you visit.

My family reacted to this latest Dooley:For Real episode in true dooley family fashion...we whipped into action, calling 911, D1 catching hubby as he collapsed and attempted to fall off the chair and giving me vital sign updates while i was on the phone with 911, no hes not breathing,calling his name and ignoring him when he insisted that she get his shoes so he could go outside, what are you Clover? that is what we do when she has a seizure, go outside little doggie... lalala taking care of business.

But then, when the ambulance crew gets there, that is when the comedy routine begins, "Nice try dad, trying to get out of doing the dishes" "oh the sticks of butter finally did you in" And Hubby when they take his blood pressure "Ha its only 118/70" Well congratulations on having a heart attack and winning the lowest blood pressure award.

By far though the funniest moment had to be when D1 was describing how Hubby wasnt breathing to the cop and ambulance crew and D3 goes yeah he sounded like this and snorts.

It is our way. We dont know how to do this any other way. We cannot make it without our laughter. We have been through tragedy unmatched to other families yet as time goes on our humor gets more perfected, funnier, more inappropriate, "Holy crap, imagine dad beat synovial sarcoma which has a .17 survival rate just to get some other rare heart disease, isnt that funny?"

Maybe the word isnt funny...I dont think any of this is funny... I just know that if I am laughing, I am not crying, and as long as I am not crying I can do anything, and I can do it effeciently and well. As long as I am laughing, I can listen to doctors and get information and make decisions, when the laughter fades, so does my world, I cant do it without laughter.

I told the kids to tone it down in front of the ambulance crew, because apparently they take everything so seriously, they didnt find our brand of humor particularly amusing..

And even when I got to the hospital and I asked if this could have been caused by living with 5 women, they looked at me strange like "Are you making a JOKE about this?"

Umm yeah and I find myself highly amusing.

Well i am glad someone does...

Laughing, crying its all the same thing, tears from your eyes or spit from your mouth...I prefer laughing, it doesnt smear my blue mascara.

Destructive Habits

2009-08-24T21:32:00.000-04:00

In real life, every day you might come to a new conclusion about yourself and about the reasoning behind your behavior, and you can tell yourself that this knowledge will make all the difference. But in all likelihood, you’re going to keep doing the same old things. You’ll still be the same person. You’ll still cling to your destructive, debilitating habits because your emotional tie to them is so strong—so much stronger than any dime-store insight you might come up with—that the stupid things you do are really the only things you’ve got that keep you centered and connected.
— Elizabeth Wurtzel, Now, More, Again

Death

2009-08-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

From Martian Child, one of my favorite movies

2009-08-23T22:04:00.001-04:00

He probably thinks he’s going to float away because he’s very smart and he sees that he’s living in a world where things and people do disappear.
— Howard Hesseman, Martian Child

Thoughts detained....

2009-08-21T23:04:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was all right for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left. Certainly deceit and treachery in both romantic and political relationships is nothing new, but at one time, it was bad, callous, and cold to hurt somebody. Now it’s just the way things go, part of the growth process.
— Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
Posted May 7, 2009 in leaving book love hurts depression

The Story Of Job and the "burning bush"

2009-08-21T22:06:00.004-04:00

Did I ever mention that I know absolutely nothing about religion?

Ok I know some of the basic stories from the Old Testament, I know a few things from the New Testament but whatever I dont know for sure I make up on my own.

So the story of Job. Here is my version.

God wanted to mess with his head and test his love for him so he kept taking away everything in the world that Job loved and said Hey Job do you still love me?

And Job said "sure god i love you" and on and on it went, taking away Jobs friends, family, his chocolate and his favorite bush.

I have felt like Job on occasion. Especially when my belief in God was way stronger... you know before he fucked with me way too many times. I continually questioned how one person could be given so much grief, so much to handle.

I couldnt even begin to list how bad our luck is when it comes to cars, appliances, cesspools, phones, tvs, health etc etc.

We have had floods and cesspool backups on Christmas Eve. We have had illnesses that they always say "Well there is like a 99 percent chance this will never happen" and then it does.

One time our car was parked in front of a repair shop after it was done being fixed and a woman driving by had a heartattack and died, crashed into the car and was beheaded. Needless to say the car was totaled.

In the last 6 months we have been hit in the back of Hubby's car 3 times.

We have gone through more appliances, more tvs, more everything than anyone else i know.

We have had life threatening illnesses on more than one occasion. Ok more than 5 occasions.

Our computers die, our cars are hit, our barbecues break... over and over and over.

But it is usually spread out by a few days.

Not this week. this week the tv broke, my computer broke, the kids are broken and to top it off... my cesspool backed up into the house. All in the same day.

So I wanted to dump chemicals down there because I thought that would fix it but Hubby convinced me to let someone come and clear the clog for 129 dollars.

Now i dont know why I was fooled into this really. The last two times the cesspool guy came to clear the clog it cost about 1200 dollars each time. They always find a full cesspool or some other ridiculous thing.

Today they found a collapsed pipe in the ground.

Right under my favorite bush.

Why so attached to a bush you say?

Because nothing grows on our property. Nothing. since we have moved in, everything has died.

And this bush has lived. It has lived happily never asking for anything in return. Growing strong, staying green while all its brothers and sisters smoked crack and died off. Sickly and without a care for anyone or anything.

The bush has been there since we moved in. Through the years here, while our kids grew, our dog ran through it, the bush grew for us.

Now in one moment... they broke my bush and then they claimed it had to be removed because it was growing into the pipe.

And it will cost 750 dollars to fix it.

And I do not have 750 dollars.

And I anticipate having to replace my TV and computer this week also.

And I have no shampoo, no detergent, no cups...
As you recognize all BJs items, and BJs is a 200 dollar adventure.

I dont know what Job did when God took everything away. I heard some ridiculous rumor that he kept loving and supporting God.

And I am just about to go over the edge here and I have had enough.

I dont know why I am being tested. I dont know why God chose to give Hubby a cancer that D4's doctor recently said had no survival rate that he knew of at Stony Brook Univ Hosp.

I dont know why all of our cars break constantly even though we get oil changes regularly and take great care of them.

Our washing machine pipe, oil pipe and sprinkler line freeze even after we covered them with foam to keep them safe and warm.

And now the cesspool pipe has corroded away and the bush has to be removed and it is just too much.

Too much for Job and too much for me to take.

I am tired. Really tired of it. Tired of the illnesses, tired of the broken things, tired of it all.

And maybe Job understood but I dont and I need to know why?

I have tried to look on the bright side of everything. I have tried to say "Ok I can do this", I have tried to smile through my tears but not today.

I am too tired today to let it go, too tired to say its okay, too tired to find 750 dollars.

I am not Job. Job passed the test. I am about to fail.

Fail.

I cannot keep it up, the happy face, the charming personality, the shining smile.

No instead what you have is a bitter, crying, frustrated, poor woman who is about to give up and move on alone away from all of this. Away from God's testing, away from broken things, away from my broken bush.

Job and his wife Lived in Uz.
Job had seven sons and 3 daughter all grown with families of their own.
Job had much land and livestock and men to help him work.
Job loved God and worshipped God everyday.

One day, the devil said to God, "You have blessed Job and given him everything is the only reason Job worships you. If you would take away your blessings, Job would no longer praise you."
God said to the devil, " Do what you want to all that Job has but do not touch him."
The devil left God and began his evil work.

Suddenly a messenger came to Job saying, "All your oxen and donkeys are gone. All of the men that helped you are gone."
While the messenger was still speaking, a second messenger came and said, " A huge fire has killed all the sheep."
And still a third messenger arrived saying, "Some thieves came and stole all your camels."
And still a fourth messenger arrived saying, "All of your sons and daughter were eating together when suddenly there came a huge wind and the house fell on them."
Job was so sad.
In a single day, he had lost everything.
He lost his land,
He lost his livestock.
He lost his sons and daughters.
Job fell to his knees and began worshipping God saying, "..the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD."
After all those bad things happened to Job, He still praised God.

The devil was upset because Job was still praising God.
So he went to God and said, "If Job were hurting in his body, he would not praise you.
God answered the devil saying, "Do what you want but do not kill him."
The devil delighted in giving Job very painful sores all over his body from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.
Job had nothing
He lost his land,
He lost his livestock.
He lost his Sons and daughters.
Now he was in more pain with the sores all over his body.
Job suffered greatly.
Job's wife said to him, "Let it go. Curse God and die"
Job answered her, "You talk like a foolish woman. Do we only take the good and not the bad?"
Still he praised God.

Jobs friends had heard about what had happened to Job.
They decided they would go and be with him.
His friends sat with Job for one week.
His friends told Job that he had sinned and that is why all these horrible things had happened.
Job insisted that he loved God and he never sinned against him.
They would not believe him.
All of them told Job he had sinned and he must confess his sin to make things right.
Job still insisted that he had not sinned against God.
Finally his friends were quiet. They had nothing to say to him because they felt that Job was wrong. They thought Job felt was better than everyone else. They knew Job had sinned and wouldn't admit it.
Finally, God spoke.
God said "Who is this that gives advice without knowledge, where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Answer if you have understanding!"
God spoke to Job of all the things he created.
God created the heavens, the earth and all that is on the earth.
Job said "I know that you can do everything, and that no thought can be withheld from you. Therefore, I have spoken things that I did not understand. But now I have heard you and now I understand. "
God said to Job's friends, "You have not spoken the truth of me as Job has. Take seven bulls and seven rams and go to Job and offer them up for yourselves. Job will pray for you and I will accept his prayer for you. "
Fearing the wrath of God, the men did as God had told them.
God accepted Job's prayer and was very pleased with Job.

As Job prayed for his friends, God returned his fortune that had been taken away by the devil.
God gave Job twice as much as he had in the beginning.
God gave him twice as many sheep.
God gave him twice as many donkeys.
God gave him twice as many camels.
God gave him twice as many yoke of oxen.
God gave him 7 sons and 3 daughters.
His daughters were the most beautiful in the land.
After all of this, Job lived 140 years and he loved God and praised him every day.

Oh I see, Job got better stuff in the end. Ok I would like to start by winning the 207 million in mega millions tonight.

I love that all over the world, there are people falling in love

2009-08-21T07:29:00.000-04:00

I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I’m a heart man. Take ‘em apart, put ‘em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you… me.
— Isaiah Washington, Grey’s Anatomy

I believe... My quest against the Unicorn Slayers

2009-08-19T14:48:00.002-04:00

I believe in true love, love at first sight and love for eternity.

I believe that you can be in love at any age and any time and even if the Unicorn Slayers try to tell you that you are too young, too old, too far away or too involved, it doesnt matter. True Love prevails.

I believe that love can conquer pain and suffering and that having love in your life eases the burden of lifes unfair moments.

I believe that my unicorn can carry me off to faraway places and even to my castle where I would have tea with the pegasus', the other unicorns and some of the ogres that need our help to learn to love.

I am aware that Unicorn Slayers dont understand my beliefs and I do not understand theirs. But I respect their right to believe it. As long as they stop slaying my unicorns.

There is so much ugliness in the world and also so much beauty. Sometimes it is easy to take the path of least resistance and watch the world go by dreary and dark. The harder part is to reach outside of that comfort and change and grow. And look for the beauty in ugly moments.

I have been through some enormous life changing unpleasant catastrophic events in my life. And yet on most days I look to my unicorn, my fantasy world to bring me some peace.

I believe that no one should ever tell you what to feel or how to think and when they dont agree they could say "Well i dont agree with that, why do you feel that way"

I believe that our life is a series of relationships, some for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You take away a piece of each of those relationships, you practice being different things and then when the time is right, whenever that is, you find the person that you are meant to be with.

I found that person when I was 16. I had dated a lot of boys and never felt the way I do about Hubby. Even after we found each other and people insisted that I could not possibly know what love is, I never met anyone who helped me become the person I wanted to be as much as Hubby.I met others, I looked, but always the love of my life was right in front of my eyes. And he loved me back.

It wasnt easy.We were far apart for a long time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but then absence lets you forget how special that person is too.

"They said, I'll bet, they'll never make it but just look at us holding on, we're still together, still going strong"

I wish and hope that my girls find this kind of love. Magical love. Unicorn flying love. Eating lobster together at 2am love.

If they find it at 16, or 25 or 40, grab the opportunity, it wont matter if you wait for the right time, place, love doesnt wait and sometimes circumstances only give us a short amount of time to experience it. Time may not be kind, but we can cheat time by jumping in and grabbing hold of what we can when love presents itself.

You may not agree with me and that is find but stop slaying my unicorns, they exist for me and people like me and we dont want your angry, cynical, bitterness bringing us down. Go back to Ogreville and comiserate with your fellow ogres.

Eating Pizza at 1am

2009-08-11T08:16:00.003-04:00

Last night at 1am we were standing in the kitchen, just us girls, eating leftover pizza and chatting about the day and I thought, this is why I dont kill them on a daily basis. It was a moment and it passed just as quickly, but that is what life is, just a collection of little moments. The day was crazy but we made it and here we are with another opportunity for a moment. What are you going to do with yours today?

I plan on stopping this any minute now

2009-08-10T21:35:00.001-04:00

I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.
— J.D. Salinger (via lifeasart)

I am obsessed with thoughts detained

2009-08-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn’t mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the only thing that counts.
— Tom Wilkinson, The Last Kiss

First Kiss from Thoughts Detained

2009-08-10T21:24:00.001-04:00

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can’t cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it’s everything.

Justin Chambers, Grey’s Anatomy

You'll Think of Me

2009-08-08T11:11:00.001-04:00

A Hidden Message!!!

Cleaning Out Our Basement

2009-08-08T11:00:00.002-04:00

I found this among some other stuff in our basement.

And tell me again why their is a Father Daughter Dance at a wedding, when its the mom who has to listen to all the complaining???

D4's First Day of School Writing September 5, 2003 Ms. Mahoney's third grade class

My Dad said if I hurt my feet he would have to cut my feet off. So I never complain. My Dad said that about everything else. So now I know never ever to complain to him.

I love my Grammy. I love her pool.

Freaks I'd Love To Know

2009-08-08T09:06:00.004-04:00

I wrote this one year when I was dropping D3 at the Long Island High School for The Arts Prom. I just found it as we were cleaning out the basement. She just returned from a Theater Program where she met people even more like herself and the answer is yes there are more of them.

It's a group of freaks I leave her with. And I guess I mean freaks in the sense that they dont fit into the horrible social click of a world they call high school.

When I was young wer were still buying into high school being the best years of your life. We've gotten over that false picture someone put in our heads. No one even implies the years of social agony you endure while attempting to get an education can some somehow be classified as the best.

Freaks, I guess they are classified as, or a step further, drama freaks. They love to sing and act and play , they will burst into song, beautiful incredible music that escapes from their souls that they bear to the world often.

And get stepped on even more.

They are real, so real in fact people dont know what to do with them.They're labeled, like jocks, or cheerleaders but with a label that says you're not worth my time.

But Oh they are. I recently had the opportunity to attend a cabaret performance that made my eyes water and my heart ache. Their music touched my soul. Their confidence on their terms, in their space made me so proud of them and for them.

I spent that night with my daughter and her friend. They were real to each other and to others in their freak world.

I believed for one second that their is hope. That somehow in this whole world they found each other.

Are there more of them out there? I hope so.

These are people no one takes the time to know because it's a little harder. They are socially awkward, sometimes seeming so young, sometimes older beyond their years.

I feel more comfortable leaving my daugher with these freaks. They tell her she's a beautiful person, they honor her uniqueness, they cultivate her friendship, they learn from her and they teach her because they are real.

Real people who are interesting and smart and fun and talented, oh so talented.

Life for them speaks in music, not words.

And their song is always in their hearts.

Same Time...Next Year....

2009-08-06T16:39:00.003-04:00

What does this all mean? Wouldnt you all like to know?

My Boring Life

2009-08-05T21:50:00.004-04:00

With nothing to do but blog you would think I would blog more.

Here is what happens though.

If I have nothing to do, I have nothing to blog about.

So I have time to blog but nothing to comment on.

Nothing.

I have been silent for days.

I dont have anything to say.

Obviously we know that is ridiculous but anything I have to say is boring and lame.

Today the highlight of my day was opening up a brand new blue mascara.

Yeah I guess that is pretty exciting, since each new opened tube is one day closer to never having any blue mascara left.

That is if the Centereach Walmart closes up.

And the phones broke at work so I didnt have to answer any dumb questions, like does that bear have a cute face and please put air holes in my box so my bear can breathe, blah, blah, blah.

And I am into day 5 of a hangover that I didnt even know it was possible to have.

I have a week and a half to hubbys 25 year reunion and my doctor said I cant excercise so how will I lose 30 lbs by then.

I have to go to the endocrinologist tomorrow and he wont believe that there is anything wrong with me so that will be annoying.

D4 has an orthopaedist appt and I am sure will suggest physical therapy and/or MRI.

D3 has an orthopaedist appt on Monday where he will not listen to me either.

I need a panoramic view of my jaw because it appears to have been injured in the accident.

I am trying to find a couch for the basement that D4 just refinished by herself.

My house is a mess and it is possible that the giant Rat has made a second appearance after he came back from the dead.

I am super tired and unable to sleep.

D3's love life is the biggest news I hear about from day to day.

I am bored, boring and counter factual, misled and do I dare say...mistaken.

I am never wrong but perhaps a little off target.

In any case, this blog is boring, my life sucks big time, I am fat, middle aged and tired. I hate everyone, everything and bear calendars.

I am confused, confined and contained.

I want out, of the rat race, the rat infested house, and ratting out.

My computer is dying, my grass is dying and my hair need dying.

Enough of this ridiculous blog, someone in my life do something worth writing about.

And not drinking tequila until your clothes fall off or falling off the wagon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6A6fggtSQI

Oh My God, someone shut me up please, I've started talking and I cant stop.

Help i need somebody, Help me Rhonda, I get by with a little help from my friends,

AAHHHHH!!!!

I loved her first

2009-08-02T16:20:00.003-04:00

This was the father daughter dance song at the wedding I was at on Friday. I think its a giant scam that because I have four daughters I will never get a special dance at my daughters wedding. I never wanted a son but now... I am thinking this is a scam and a half and I want my dance.I mean really who did all the work over all these years, who sat with them while they cried about their life and boys and friends. Me, Me, Me. SCAM. Who came up with this bogus tradition? Do I hear anyone say Mothers Dance???

I cried when I saw them dancing. It was very touching.

This is a beautiful song and the wedding was beautiful.. you know until I threw up on everyone and everything.

Because I knew you... I have been changed for good

2009-08-02T10:14:00.002-04:00

Change... that is a word that has been thrown around quite often in the last few months. Change for our world and our economy...change our new president will bring....change of our weather, global warming, severe storms.

People change. Or do they really? Can people really change?

I never liked avocados or obviously guacamole. Never in 41 years did I like it. I tried it multiple times. No not my thing.

Then last year all of a sudden I had guacamole at a party and I loved it. And I love avocados. I want them in my salad and on a sandwich all the time.

Why? What changed that made me suddenly like avocados?

Eating avocados is not really a big deal to anyone or really to me either. It is a change in my life that will go unnoticed and uncared about really, and it should.

No one will stop me from trying to eat avocados or criticize my love of avocados.

So why then are people opposed to other changes that take place in our lives?

True change does not come about often. Maybe it is a slow process that happens and suddenly you wake up at 40 and say wow I am not the same person anymore.

Maybe its a sudden change that occurs when something tragic happens like a death or a traumatic brain injury.

Maybe its when you are in a different environment amongst different people and you see yourself growing in a way that you never even thought possible.

Maybe you meet the person of your dreams and through your life together you teach each other things that change you.

I was in therapy for 5 years. I wanted a big change to happen through that therapy. I wanted to be able to open my mouth and say things like, hey dont cut me in line, or stop hurting my feelings or no I wont wait 2 months for an appointment. I wanted to be assertive. I wanted to get what I wanted when I called credit card companies and cell phone stores.

But mostly I wanted to tell my mother that she was very hurtful sometimes.

That is why I started going.

What I discovered is that that kind of catastrophic change does not happen when you want it to. It doesnt happen like turning on a switch. It really never happened for me the way I wanted it to. Which is why, a month ago when I had a car accident and i knew I wasnt strong enough to explain what I wanted in help from my family I chose not to tell them at all.

Which of course has turned out to bite me in the butt because I was hurt and now have to go to the doctor 3 times a week and it is getting harder and harder to keep this up.

So at a family wedding on Friday, I told my cousins husband that I was seeing a chiropracter and my sister was there and I explained that my neck still hurt and she asked why and I said... I was in a car accident a few weeks ago but I didnt tell mommy because I didnt tell her right away and then it just got too far past the accidnet to tell.

And she looked at me with such pity and disgust and said "How old are you?"

Exactly. I havent changed at all when it comes to my parents. I am still 5 years old, hiding things I didnt want them to know and acting like a child.

They have opposed any change in me over the years and even though I have tried to fight back, with them I just never can.

They want me to be the same obedient Nancy who makes everyone laugh, follows the rules, feels guilty enough to see them and include them even when I dont want to, and never ever be difficult.

Change can come about slowly, or quickly, or never at all.

I believe that changing is part of growing and that if you do not grow as a person every day that you will lead a boring and miserable life.

Growing is learning. Learning who you are and who you want to be.

D3 just came back from a month in theater camp. 12-15 hours a day of intense learning, experiencing, growing. She found out things about herself that she never knew. She talked to someone about her past lives and was amazed to discover a reason for some of her anxiety. She made a friend who has been with her through her past lives and who will forever be in her heart. She met people she loved and people she couldnt stand.

She grew in ways that I am sure we can never see.

The problem with true growth is that it is opposed by people around you who want you to be the same. Your family.

Especially in people who dont know what growth is because they dont experience things the same way others do. Their experiences in life are different and maybe their growth is slower, quicker or not at all.

In any case, I understand why she doesnt want to see anyone from home. They all stayed the same. And she didnt. She grew to a place that is not measurable from any one elses standpoint except her own.

I have seen all my children change over time. Physically and mentally. It is hard for me to see change in them because I see them every day, but I try to recognize it and appreciate it.

I havent always been happy with the changes but I respect their right to find out who they are through these series of changes.

You cant tell a blind person what a sunset looks like or explain the sound of a childs giggle to a deaf person.

You cant express love to someone who is incapable of opening their heart to the possibility of pain.

Life changes. Changing is necessary. I may not be exactly where I wanted to be at this point but I know I can get there because I believe in the possibility of change.

The reason our families oppose our change is because they feel they may be left behind when our growth causes us to change in a direction that doesnt make it comfortable for them to stand still.

And sometimes we have to move on alone. Leaving behind something we once thought could be forever but realize cannot.

Hopefully when you love someone you are both willing to work towards the same goals, and you repsect the other persons need to change or to stay still.

But often when you find that you see things very differently after changing and you may never be able to get that back.

There are times in our lives when change is inevitable and it is only when we can completely look inside ourselves do we see the possibility of long and lasting growth to a new us that will make us happy.

Dont go changing to try and please me....

Because I knew you I have been changed for good.

Yeah I should grow up... but I wont

2009-07-30T22:33:00.002-04:00

Observations i have made this week

2009-07-27T22:37:00.002-04:00

Well,well,well...

it seems there is a secret that I never knew. Having fewer children would have been way easier.

Ok... so I know you are thinking DUH..

But no really... the first time I thought about it was a few years ago when I went to pay for a vacation to Disney World. I had to pay per person and I realized that if I had 2 less children it would have cost me 2000 dollars less.

Hmmm... I thought. Things could have been cheaper with less children.
I swear that is the first time I ever thought about it.

When D1 was born, it was hard but I had no car, we lived far away and no money. I spent all day playing with her and although it was exhausting it was the life I always wanted.

When D2 was born, it was hard going from 1 to 2 but I figured it out and ultimately they were raised more like twins. I bought diapers and food and it didnt seem like I added much more to our expenses.

Going from 2 to 3 was a lot of work and since A)I hadnt had a baby in 5 years, B)Hubby was diagnosed with Cancer weeks after she was born and C)my family was not talking to me, it made it that much harder. I know that is why D3 was so well behaved. I mean really she slept when you put her in the stroller, was sweet when she was awake and literally made everyone smile every place she went. She was a light that stayed bright as long as we needed her too. But I managed.

I had the whole mom thing down by the time D4 was born and had she been like my other girls I probaly would have been ok but NOOOO... she was a nut job. Having 4 kids under 8 years old and the little one requiring so much time... it was hard.

But for the most part, it never occurred to me how much more money we spent on clothes or food or anything else. It just seemed like we spread around whatever we had.

for the entire 14 years I have had 4 children, I guess I just got used to there always being laundry, always needing to go food shopping, always needing to clean something, never having enough money.

It didnt seem to have anything to do with the amount of kids I had, rather just this was our life.

SOOOO when the only one around was D1 last week, it didnt occur to me that anything would be different.

Boy was I wrong.

first of all, I neglected the laundry all week, yet on Saturday when I went to do the laundry...not even a whole load of clothes. How could this be I thought?

D1 was doing the dishes after dinner... are those all the dishes she asked? Yea... I say... hmmm I think... somthing fishy is going on here.

And when I left for work in the morning, however I left the house, it was just like that when I got home. I cleaned one day and when I got home... yes can you believe it? The house was still clean.

When I bought a bag of Chips and spinach dip, every day I got home I had a little of it and it lasted the whole week.

Dinner... well it would have been cheaper if I didnt use all the food money to buy porterhouse steaks, 6 of those, which we had in two meals instead of just one.

A five pound bag of potatoes lasted through 2 dinners and a leftover. Normally I struggle to use it for one.

I observed that D4 is clearly the messiest kid I have.

I observed that D3 and her dilemmas take up a lot of my time(and I dont mind I am just stating a fact)I love being a part of the fix my problems game.

I observed that not having any children when we visited D2 in washington dc made it a beautiful visit where although they were all texting me at the same time I got to talk to her and listen to her and buy stuff just for her.

I observed that D1 liked being an only child and was way calmer without all the others around. We had a great time at the beach together and enjoyed cooking dinners and preparing other meals.

I observed that being alone all week made me appreciate hubby more and although I was nervous at the beginning of the week that I wouldnt want to spend the rest of my life just the two of us, by the end of the week, we had a nice time at the beach together and spent some quality time on two car trips together. Not as much talking as I would have liked but.. well I am flexible.

I realized that since I found out I was pregnant 23 years ago, hubby and I have never had more than a day or two alone. This was probably the longest we have ever gone since we moved in together in May of 1986.

I observed that my eye stopped twitching around Wednesday after all the kids had been gone since Saturday.

Yes it took that long to calm down. Think post traumatic stress disorder.

Although I had so much to do, I did a lot of reading, crossword puzzles and closing my eyes while I sat in the backyard.

There is a story about a man who goes to his rabbi and says Rabbi my house is too small and with all 8 kids I cant stand it anymore.

The rabbi says, go get the pigs out of the barn and put them in the house.

What are you crazy the man says? But of course he listens to his rabbi, because all good jews do.

After a week he goes back to the Rabbi and says I cant take it with the kids and my wife and the pigs, its too crowded.

So the Rabbi says go get the cows from the barn and bring them in the house.

What are you crazy the man says? But he listens to his Rabbi because he doesnt want to go to hell.

On and on this goes, adding animals and in laws until no one could move in the house.

The man says Rabbi I cant take it anymore. And the Rabbi says Ok, go get everyone out of the house.

And when the man does he realized how amazing it feels to have just the 8 kids and his wife in the house and how spacious it feels?

Do you get the drift of my story?

I was being secretly judgemental... I know you are shocked... but I was thinking how easy parents of only children have it. Just 3 porterhouse steaks, every time. Not a 2000 dollar Kohls bill. 3 people for tickets to Billy Joel or Broadway, and if its a boy, no manicure/pedicures, haircuts, tampons, hair gel... all stuff which could add up to I dont know enough money for a boat.

When we went out to dinner with just D1, we sat on the same side of the table and D1 sat on the other side. Two clappers... all to herself.

The bill, half of what it usually is.

So is it because we had all the pigs, cows, horses and in laws in the house and when they left it seemed so quiet? Or is it because life would have been way easier with less children? If I just had one, and it was D1, I would be done now. I would own an apartment in the city, and a beach house in the Cayman Islands. I would have gone to Hawaii and Europe already and not be waiting for the last kid to graduate the last college.

But what would that get me?

Real Estate and fancy trips?

That is never what I wanted from my life.

It was the children.

The laughter, the excitement, the holidays with loud yelling and lots of activity in the kitchen.

The debating, the girl talk, the boy talk and the talk about politics and drugs and morality.

The kitchen, the heart of our home, cooking, eating,cleaning up and then more eating.

And I am sad that it is almost all over.

It was nice to have a little peace and quiet this week but if you asked me to go back to the best time in my life I would say, 2000 until 2003. The time when D4 started school to right before we opened the store.

The kids were 5,7,12 and 13. There was not a lot of money to go around and not much time for each kid but we managed, happily. It was fun here. The girls had each other if they needed them. No one drove, no one left home unless they were playing with a friend. And we enjoyed our time together.

I could never imagine not having the girls. I could not imagine having just 1 kid. None of my kids wants to be an only child and I am hoping this means that their childhood was special to them. I hope they have a lot of children, who can come and visit grandma anytime they want so they dont have to wait 23 years to enjoy their time with their spouse.

No Hawaiin shirts, No mickey mouse ears, no fancy cars, boats, or trips could ever take the place of my kids, how much I love them and want to give them everything they ever wanted.

No, I brought in the pigs and chickens and cows, they are gone now and I am happy with all the room that they left.

We will all be together next Saturday and that does not happen often anymore. And I will treasure it. Every minute, every last meal, load of laundry, new clothes, toiletries, manicures. All of it because once its gone I will probably choke on all the filet mignon I will be eating, but its no fun alone.

No fun at all.

Home Alone Again

2009-07-23T12:55:00.004-04:00

Ok so I am home alone again. I got out of work early, thought up all these great things to do and now am sitting at my computer thinking how I should be doing all those things but am so unmotivated.

Here is the thing. I love my kids. Really even when I complain about them. So I enjoy their company. I want to get a manicure pedicure but its not fun alone. There is no one to roll your eyes with or giggle uncontrollably.

I want to clean out the basement but that requires heavy lifting and I dont want to do that either. Alone. It doesnt seem fun at all to go through old games and toys with no one to be like, where did all the monopoly money go or why do we have 8 twister boards?

My room is a mess and I really should clean it but I dont even sleep in there anymore because of Hubby's snoring. I mean who cares if its a mess when hes in there.

Its about to storm and how fun is it to eat chips and dip and brownies alone in a storm. Not fun at all.

I could clean because the house is filthy. But I am waiting for a thyroid storm to come along to give me the energy to do that.

I am done with all my summer classes and waiting for my books for my fall classes so I have no homework to do.

Bills, paperwork, Nah, just dont feel like dealing with that right now.

A million phone calls to make doctor appts for D3 and D4 and the endocrinologist, D1 and Hubby for the dermatologist, me for the dentist, D2 for glasses... Problem is that could take all day and I could still not get anything accomplished.

Steam clean the carpet? no my mother borrowed the cleaner and i dont feel like going to get it.

Plus its about to pour.

Could do work, Actually I came home early and said I would do that, but I need my glasses and they are in the car, or downstairs or somewhere where I dont feel like looking for them.

Sit here pitifully, thinking if I had just had 2 more kids I wouldnt be this lonely.

Maybe I should go get a puppy,,,, that sounds like a fabulous idea.

See you... woof woof.

Home Alone

2009-07-19T23:03:00.003-04:00

Did you ever see Home Alone?

That is me. I am home alone.

I mean not really. D1 is upstairs but she is leaving for work at 715am. Hubby is leaving at the same time. D2 is in Washington DC in her new apartment. D3 is away at camp until August 1st and D4 is vacationing with her friend in Myrtle Beach.

What shall I do with my aloneness?

Shall I clean the house?

No I have no helpers. I mean D1 helped cook and clear the table but I did the dishes. Is this what my life is going to be like when they leave for good? Me with all the chores.

I knew I had a lot of kids for a reason. Why is it getting so close to the empty nest? I am not ready. I mean I did lay outside all day. I ate when I was hungry and I went food shopping for 3 instead of 6. I didnt save any money though because I bought more expensive food.

Porterhouse steaks, roasted potatoes, cheesy bread, tomato and mozzarella salad and grilled vegetables.

And when D1 went to do laundry, there wasnt any. Granted I did all the laundry on Thursday but seriously... no laundry. I didnt even know those 2 words could be next to each other.

So here I am home alone at 11pm and what I am doing? Blogging. Answering email. Wishing someone was home to get me a bowl of cherries.

No helpers, no slaves, no one to talk girl talk to because hubby is a boy and clearly does not understand the merits of obsessing over certain subjects.

I miss my kids. Not just now but when they were little. I miss my life. The one I planned with lots of kids and fun. Not quiet. That is not fun at all.

Maybe I should start planning some tricks like Mulcalhy Culkin did in Home Alone. Watch out Hubby and D1.

The games shall begin.

Good thing Clover loves me.

My Temporary Absence

2009-07-15T08:39:00.005-04:00

I've been away for awhile now...

I have been with another blog.

I know I know I am sorry I cheated on you with another blog.

But you were getting all old and boring and I had to try out a new one.

Really?
No!

I had a school project due and it took all of my time to work on that.

Plus I havent been that funny lately.

SO.... if you want to check out the "other blog" and stalk that a little you can do that....until I come back which will be soon... I promise.

http://dragonfliestoheaven.blogspot.com/

I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral

2009-06-23T22:38:00.002-04:00

Days ago I had this whole blog written in my head. It was titled Heaven just got a new angel.

It was great as my invisible head blogs always are.

But I had to... i dont know pick something... take D4 and her friend to get her nails done, take D3 to physical therapy, take D2 up to college or do laundry, cooking, cleaning, homework, etc.

So I didnt get to write it.

And now... its not coming to me as eloquently as it was before.

Jews believe in heaven but not in hell.

Convenient I say...

So I guess I believe that good people go to heaven, but what happens to bad people?

whatever not really my point right now and not really what i want to talk about.

Heaven is a place where people go when they die.

Last week a beautiful brave young woman went to heaven.

She had such a short life to live, just 27 years but she lived them in a way that brightened the lives of so many people.

She was diagnosed with s similar kind of cancer to hubby. He had synovial sarcoma, she had osteosarcoma and chandrasarcoma.

She was diagnosed in September of 2003. She was 21 years old and just graduated college. Hubby had been cancer free for 10 years at that point.

In sarcoma world the cancer comes back at 10 years, you are never totally safe.

We met her in 1990 when my sister started dating Tizzy. She was 9 years old.

She babysat for my kids and she sparkled wherever she went.

When she was diagnosed her parents threw her a huge 22nd birthday party. She was heading for a huge surgery invented by Hubbys doctor Dr. Boland from Memorial Sloan Kettering.

We knew then that Hubbys cancer had meaning. He had to have it so Dr. Boland could treat Stacie. It made sense that way. Stony Brook Hospital told her that there was nothing they could do. Dr. Boland said he had an idea and he consulted with people all over the world and they came up with the surgery.

At her party, Stacie told me, I feel lucky to have had cancer at this point in my life. I will beat it and then for the rest of my life I will appreciate all the little things. I will live my life to the fullest, I will treasure every moment.

From the first surgery in December 2003 until the last procedure just a few weeks ago every thing that could go wrong did.

She never had one moment of peace, but you would never know it.

We visited her in the hospital many times. She smiled through the agony. She would answer how are you with good how are you?

She wanted details about the kids what they were doing, how they were. She laughed and never once showed the depth of her pain and the suffering she was going through.

All the information got worse. The chemo didnt work, the cancer grew, then it spread.

We knew that the cancer would kill her but somehow we always hoped there would be a miracle.

The miracle was that she lived this long. This kind of cancer usually kills you quicker.

A few weeks ago we got the last bit of bad news... she was coming home but it was hospice. It was just a matter of weeks.

And last Wednesday, she finally slipped away in her sleep peacefully like she deserved to.

At the wake Mrs. T told me, Nancy do you know what she was wearing when they came to take her, when the angels came to take her..

The shirt D2 designed that said CANCER SUCKS.

Hubby has one, Stacie had one and D2 has one with Hubbys and Stacies initials on each sleeve.

Things are never funny at funerals. I became a comedian when hubby had cancer. A professional, not just playing one on tv.

But funerals... there arent many funny things there.

Of course except nuns.

Nuns are always funny.

so when we were driving in the funeral procession and we almost got seperated it was because the nuns were driving too fast in front of us

So i called them the flying nuns.

that was pretty funny.

Well then when we got to the chapel, no one sat in front of us or behind us and the kids were like, its because we are jews and if god striked the jews dead no one wants to be sitting next to us.

So they sat the nuns there. I guess they figure they have a free pass with the big guy upstairs, they didnt have to worry about armageddon in the chapel.

The service was stupidly religious and impersonal. Jesus suffered so should you... dont get that. lets weep for jesus. dont get that either.

So lets just say when the nuns started singing God is Good God is Good over and over in a high pitched voice, not only was I not touched, but i thought it was funny.

I cant tell you how many times my family said to me this weekend, you are going to hell.

Cant... jews dont believe in Hell.

Loophole... haha

So i am sitting in the chapel...laughing at nuns... and everyone is watching... so I put my head in my hands and try to contain it.

But the emotions in me from the whole week would not be kept in.

I thought of dead puppies, I bit my lip, D1 squeezed me, Nothing could stop my hysteria.

So... we finally get up to place a flower on stacies casket and I manage to do this safely without ridiculing any nuns.

and then D1 tripped. And I started to giggle again.

but at least I made it outside. and i huddled with my family and i told them the story, nuns singing about god in a chapel.

How funny is that?

They dont always appreciate my humor.

You are going to hell they said.

No of course I am not I said.

I dont like the heat and my hair would frizz.

Heaven got a new angel this week. She sparkles like a rainbow and she loved with every bit of her soul. She brightened my life in so many ways and the lives of so many others. She suffered so greatly, no GOD would ever allow that.

and the nuns... D4 wanted to know if they get to hook up with the priests.

No of course not, priests only like little boys, not flying nuns.

Be serious really, this is a time for grieving.

or is it a time for laughs and joking.

Stacie wouldnt have wanted it any other way...

Some Problems Man!

2009-06-15T21:01:00.006-04:00

So we just got back from Jamaica. The country. Not Queens. Although we spent most of the trip in Queens. The borough, not the band.

See if you can spot the problems in the following few pictures.

For anyone who has never traveled in NY I will tell you the problems with the pictures.

In picture 1, it is 4:30am and we are on the way to LaGuardia Airport in our snazzy limo with fred our personal driver.

In picture 2, it is almost 9am and we are still in LaGuardia 2 hours past our scheduled departure, seriously cutting into my pina colada time.

In picture 3, we are at Kennedy airport. How in the world you ask did we end up in Kennedy airport?

Exactly.

It is called the Dooley effect.

It used to be called Murphys Law but who the hell is Murphy anyway and I am sure we have way more incidents than him.

Dooley's Law states that anything that can go wrong... will.

So we are scheduled to leave NY at 6:50am. Why in God's name would anyone leave on vacation that early? To soak up the Jamaican sun Man. No problems man, no worries. Get there early, relaxing, dont waste time sleeping.

D3 goes to the Performing Arts Prom the friday night before we leave and dear sweet hubby picks her up at 1am in Nassau County 45 minutes away. They get home around 1:45am and we all sleep for less than 2 hours before we start getting ready.

We leave our house at 4:30am and we get to the airport around 5:30am two hours before we are now scheduled to leave, after our flight has been changed to 7:40am.

Let me point out that when Hubby and I went to the Dominican Republic we missed our connecting flight so I purposely made this flight with a 3 hour layover in Miami. Even our great American Airlines couldnt screw up a 3 hour layover. I mean The Skipper and Gilligan screwed up a 3 hour tour, but a 3 hour layover? No problem Man.

When our flight was delayed until 8:15am we questioned the lovely lady behind the counter. Why yes that is sarcastic, thanks for playing along. So she says you have plenty of time to make your connecting flight.

When our flight was delayed until 8:45am we asked the incredibly unhelpful demon spawn what our chances were of making our connecting flight which was now leaving Miami at 12:15pm.

The equally unhelpful man next to the seriously unhelpful beast lady says to the people in front of us, pray that your connecting flight is late.

Um excuse me I will be saving my praying for the flight not plummeting from the sky, not wasting it on hoping that the flight in Miami is delayed.

So when Hubby inquires for the billionth time about whether or not we are heading towards our long awaited trip to Jamaica man, this time the American Airlines Devil Spawn says "Well do you want to go to Kennedy?"

No actually I dont. I want to leave about 3 hours ago like I planned, I want to be in Miami having lunch and getting on a plane in a few minutes to Jamaica like I planned when I booked this trip 2 months ago.

Like I planned.

Not standing in LaGuardia thinking about knocking the next 3 people in line out of the way so we can get on the plane in Kennedy which thankfully is literally 20 minutes away.?

"If we miss the connecting flight in Miami when is the next flight to Jamaica?"

Never. Its freaking never.

So I guess we are going to Kennedy then thank you lovely troll.

Oh your welcome she says.

Obviously she doesnt understand sarcasm.

So off we head to Kennedy, a little annoyed but still on our way to Jamaica.

When we get to Kennedy we ask about our luggage.

Oh did you want your luggage on this trip?

That will be extra.

hahaha

No really... your luggage is on the flight from NY to Miami, with no connecting flight into Jamaica.

It may arrive on another flight that is due into Jamaica around 8:20pm.

Hmmm... that does not sound likely, or logical at all.

When we get to Kennedy we discover our flight is delayed a half an hour. Because the flight crew is late/resting/recovering from a serious hangover/showing up late to work.

So they load us up on the plane because lets face it, the crew should not have to wait for us to you know walk on the plane when they finally arrive but we should wait for them in the smelly/skanky/stuffy/coffin they call a plane.

We finally take off and woohoo we are on our way to Jamaica.

We arrive in Jamaica around 4:30pm way after our scheduled arrival time of 1:05pm.

We go to the American Airline Counter.

Hey we are here. Yea good for you, they say.

Our luggage is missing and then we explain the whole story. Slowly so the stoned American Airlines girl can understand.

No she says. The luggage from the Miami flight is over there.

We calmly, I mean as calmly as anyone who was delayed in NY for over 5 hours can be, explain that there would be no way our luggage could be here because...we explain the whole story... we switched airports, flight from NY to Miami did not make it in time...

Um no... she says I think all the luggage from Miami came in over there.

I mean honestly we tried to explain it but then we seriously just walked over to look because she was so convinced that it would be there... or really she hoped to sneak out while we were looking.

Guess what? Our luggage was there.

No of course not. What good would this story be if our luggage was just sitting there? No but there were a bunch of other peoples luggage there with no people to get it. Hmmm... this is a great place for thieves.

You may as well have put a sign on it that said FREE LUGGAGE.

So we go back to Ms. Personality/Rocket Scientist.

Our bags arent there.

She is baffled because all the luggage from Miami is there. right over there. are you sure you looked there?

Oh My God.... our luggage is in Miami, I am sure.

OK can you describe whats in the luggage?

Clothes.

Yeah I had had enough by then.

Can you describe the clothes?

Girls Clothes.

In which suitcase where there girls clothes?

All of them.

Were there shoes in the bags?

Just one bag had shoes.

Only one bag had shoes?

Dont judge me stoned jamaican american airlines lady.

We have one whole suitcase full of shoes.

Anything else in the bags.

Toiletries.

In which bag was that?

The shoe bag OK OK OK

Yes we did go to Jamaica with an entire bag with just shoes and toiletries.

We are 5 women and 1 man.

We went with 4 bottles of shampoo and conditioner, 2 full bars of our special soap that no one is allergic too, 2 packages of benadryl, 2 of claritin, and on and on and on. The entire suitcase was filled with sunscreen and hair gel.

So we go through the painful excrutiating process of explaining exactly what is in the bags and we leave the airport pretty sure that we will never see our luggage again.

We arrive at the hotel and we have to cancel our dinner reservations because we have no clothes.

We have been up since 3:30am, it is now 5:30pm and we have no toothbrush.

We do not get our luggage until 7:30am the next morning.

We slept in the clothes on our back and we fell asleep by the pool.

So this is how our vacation started.

I must say it only got better from there and I will blog about that more in the future.

Here are two of my favorite pictures though...

No Problem Man!!!
Its all good!!!

Stolen Advice

2009-06-04T09:07:00.002-04:00

Ok so I totally jacked this from an email but I felt like it was worth passing on. This has been a trying week for us as we waited for Hubby to get test results from a possible cancer relapse. He is ok and we are grateful. A very beautiful amazing girl we know is losing her battle with a similar cancer and we have just a million other things going on that created a week of scary dreams and crazy antics. Please read this and please live your life today like it was your last. Things change on a dime and it could all be over in a minute.

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born.

A Death Certificate shows that we died.
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.......
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
I Believe...
That just because two people argue, that
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, that
doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe.....
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love .

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words . It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe......
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
When you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had,
and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, if
a friend cries out to you........you will find the strength to help.

I Believe....
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe....
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.

Thank you God for all the wonderful people who help us throughout the journey of life ..
God Bless You!

Supergirl Fails

2009-06-01T08:34:00.002-04:00

Last night after a family barbecue I was laying in my bed thinking what a great blog idea I had and this morning... I cant for the life of me even think of what was so important I actually almost got out of bed to get my computer.

I have weird random health issues that my kids term hypochondria. I wish it was that simple. I know the symptoms are real and they are confusing and most doctors dont want to hear it so I frequently diagnose and treat myself. That does not make me a hypochondriac, that makes me an amateur doctor with creative license of diagnosis and treatment. My father is an amateur pharmacist so once I prescribe something he can usually dig it out of his underwear draw. We make a solid team.

So one of my many issues is what the doctors term glucose intolerance/insulin resistance, hypoglycemia,borderline diabetic, whatever.

the result of this is that when I eat sugar my pancreas does not make insulin right away. It lags behind, like its outside smoking pot with liver and kidneys. Then as the sugar is floating around my body reeking havoc on my organs my pancreas is like holy shit man there is sugar in here I better go after one more toke of weed man.

so then it goes into overdrive and spits out too much insulin. And I crash.

the reason I tell you this is because when I drink alcohol, the same thing.

So at the family barbecue I didnt eat because really I thought the food sucked. I panicked at the last minute and went and bought chicken and sausage and peppers and then the barbecue didnt behave, whatever I wasnt really happy with the food. So I ate a sausage and some peppers and some macaroni salad.

and I had a beer.

And I felt fine.

So I had another one.

Then after everyone left, D1 and friend and I cracked open a bottle of Moscato wine which I love.

And I had a glass.

and I felt fine.

so I had 3 more.

And then I went to sleep.

And during the night when my pancreas got back from the hood, smoking crack and basically stumbling around in the dark, it took over.

and there is a good chance I am drunk right now.

and i wondered as i drove D3 to school this morning if you could get pulled over at 7am for being drunk when you havent had a drink in 10 hours.

It was my bodies fault officer, mainly my pancreas that decided to wait until about 5am to start working flooded my body with insulin and poof here I am.

I have already had two cups of coffee and yet I still feel dizzy and lightheaded.

I am sure that is why I cant think of last nights excellent blog idea.

In any case... we had a family bbq to celebrate D1s graduation and D3 turning 16. It started out as just the usual crowd but we added some new faces and frankly that saved the day.

MON I have to say we totally missed your moms excellent deviled eggs and how she and I would stay in the kitchen and bitch about everyone.

We have the Muriel rule in place now, no talking about people while they are still within ear shot and check your cell phone to make sure it is not drunk dialing as you are talking about people.

I know you are thinking why not just stop talking about people.

What else do you want me to do stop breathing?

So the food sucked and some of the company was less than desirable but for the most part, I guess it was fine.

I am hypercritical of my parties and on a scale of one to ten this rated somewhere around a 4 for food and like an 8 for entertainment.

I was reminded twice of how much I have to live up to based on past performance though. My cousin called to say that they couldnt make it and she said my uncle was dissapointed because "nancy always puts out a nice spread"

Then my mother in law said... oh my god nancy how do you do it all? When we got the invitation I thought how is Nancy doing all this, school, work, the kids, the party, the vacation...

and i thought yeah how am I doing all this...

and a lot more going on that people dont know about.

Seriously the vegetables were too salty, the salad was soggy, the chicken was bland, the hamburgers and hotdogs were burned...

Supergirl Fails

But I spent the morning with hubby drinking coffee and shopping for the party..

I spent the next few hours in the kitchen with my favorite people... my daughters and a new borrowed addition to our family D1s friend from college(who we want to adopt or kidnap)

I talked to friends that I love for the afternoon, some who I see everyday and never run out of things to talk about and some who I dont see often but feel like i saw them yesterday when we get together.

I had wine with D1s friends from high school who no matter what they do behind my back always walk into my house and greet me enthusiastically and politely make conversation and feel just as comfortable with adults as they do with their own.

I slept in my own bed close to the love of my life, (until his snoring drove me out)

and i woke up to live another day, healthy and happy and looking forward to more good things to come this week.

Supergirl I may not be but superhappy I am.

Its all good

For today.

And I treasure that. You have to. Take pleasure in the small moments. They come but once but in the end they add up to a lifetime of memories.

Reality Dissapointment

2009-05-20T08:47:00.003-04:00

Hi I'm Nancy and I am a reality show addict.

Ok maybe I do not know much about the Bachelor or the Real Housewives of NYC but give me the singers and the fatties and I am all over it.

Here is the problem... I do not like to be wrong. About anything. In fact I pride myself on always being right. Once I thought I might be wrong but I was mistaken.

Sooo...I choose my picks wisely and carefully. And then I sit back and wait to see them win.

I am O for 3 so far with American Idol and Survivor to go. Yeah I know the finale of Survivor was Sunday but I havent even seen it yet and no one has ruined it shockingly.

So every Tuesday for the last 16 or so weeks I have parked my big fat ass in front of the TV with a plate of brownies in one hand and the remote in the other and admired how the fatties went week to week with absolutely no chocolate. I cried with them when they gained a pound and thought yeah that would not make me go back into the gym it would make me head for the nearest ice cream store.

Hmmm maybe that is my problem.

Well anyway... for the finale, I mean it was a special occasion I had a ben and jerrys in one hand and remote in the other.

And since Ben and Jerrys is my kryptonite... I fell asleep before the finale.

So I got up in the morning and could not believe that out of the three finalists the only one I wanted to lose, won. 48 year old Helen dammit. Ok so I have quite a few problems with Helen winning. First and foremost she is a selfish mom. How could she send her daughter home and keep Bob and Jillian to herself. I mean really. That is not what moms do. They give up the last bite of cake, they take the crappy hamburgers and they let their daughter lose weight when there is an opportunity. they do not steal that away and leave their daughter fat.

And that seriously cuts into my excuses that people that age can never lose that weight because of hormones, responsibilities, and just because...

WOW... I am in McDonalds and this is a classic line...

Mother of three overweight children says to them... Wait you dont have enough sugar in your tea, go get some more. And the round tumbly kids race over to the sugar packets and load them up into their tea. They are drinking tea apparently because they are coughing and apparently have the swine flu. Remind me to wear a mask here tomorrow.

Ok back to Helen... After that many pounds have made a home on your body it doesnt want to leave. It has made friends with the other parts of your body and no matter how many times you drop it off 50 miles from your home, it finds its way back.

I am pissed she won and while she was celebrating jumping up and down with her jiggly fat almost knocking out Ali, her fat daughter is standing their like yeah mom. You did it. HELLLLLOOOOO.... that was so mean and I hate Helen for it and I am mad that Mike the adorable college student or Tara, the kickass girl from Long Island who never went below the yellow line didnt win.

Strike 1 for me.

Then the Amazing Race... So they are down to three teams. the mother with the deaf son, the Asian sister and brother and the two very unlikable cheerleaders. I wasnt as dissapointed because I wanted the Cheerleaders to lose. And they came in second. But I wanted the Mom and Son to win because they fought such a good race when they faced so many obstacles. You can tell what a good mom she was to him, like for example if he gained 400 lbs I am sure she would let him stay on the biggest loser and not keep it all for herself. HELEN. So they raced and raced and in the end he helped the team that ultimately beat them, because he is a nice boy. And she raised him nicely.

I think it was clearly a huge advantage that they went to China. If they had gone to a land where all the people were deaf the Mom and son would have won. And if they went to a land of people with lobatomies the cheerleaders could have won but probably not even.

I mean come on, they are in China trying to get a plane ticket and the sister and brother ask the ticket agent in Chinese to seat the other teams in the back of the plane. Or when they took orders for food in chinese or had to write chinese letters. It was clearly in their favor there.

Strike 2

Hells Kitchen. Yes I am aware that I am probably the only person in the world that watches it. And again I am not totally unhappy although I think Paula was totally sabatoged by Lacey that lazy pig. I liked Danny enough but I fear that long greasy blonde hair would end up in my food.

So Danny wins the big job in Bogata restaurant and Paula has to go home with her receding hairline and bad mole on her face. Sorry Paula, it was time for a white man to win. Dont you watch the show? It rotates. White man, white woman, black man, white woman, it wasnt time ... try next season.

So I havent watched Survivor yet but I want to go on the record and say that I want Taj to win. Ok maybe she doesnt need the money but she has played a kickass game and lets face it we cannot let the redneck JT win. It just wouldnt look good for someone that dumb to beat out all these smarter people.

Here is the problem with all this... These shows are starting to get seriously boring. Enough of eating bugs, enough of trying to remember all the events of the race, enough watching 2 tonners puking their guts up.

It is getting old. Even American Idol was so boring last night.

I mean of course anytime I can see Adam on stage in tight pants and all that guyliner and black nail polish is a good night for me but... its just the same.

I have heard rumors that he might be gay but I refuse to believe it. He is so hot and so sexy that cant all be wasted. it would be such a shame if that was all wasted on other boys.

I guess he would be the first gay american idol. (hahaha) oh i crack myself up. ummm taylor hicks anyone....

but really I am adding him to my list of ...if he showed up at my doorstep and asked me to leave with him i would...

that list is getting kind of long... i hope hubby doesnt mind... i mean brad pitt, kid rock, adam lambert, the guy i saw at the bus stop yesterday with the tattooed face and the piercings....its just a fact. Every girl needs a list of people that she would leave her family for.

just dont make it the guy who always hits on you from Walmart or anything... keep it real... you know mostly unlikely but possible...a fantasy...

Me and Adam Lambert shopping at Hot Topic for clothes and makeup, skipping off into the moonlight with our glitter purple eyeshadow... I probably have more of a chance if he doesnt win Idol.

But then I would be wrong again.

And I dont like that.

Good thing it doesnt happen too often.

I should probably stop predicting reality shows and stick to the weather.

My boobs tell me their is a good chance it is raining right now.

Pride...In the name of Love

2009-05-18T08:34:00.002-04:00

There are moments in a parents life when the pride they feel for their child is so big, it feels like your heart might burst. There is no other feeling like this. I remember feeling so proud of my kids at one point and not really being able to name the feeling. Then I realized...

Pride.

Being a parent is hard. If it isnt hard you arent doing it right. It takes hours and days and months and years of selfless effort that is largely unrewarded.

Children are inherent takers. It is their job to learn about life and they do this by testing the waters on all accounts.

They push you and test your patience and you start to crack but you hold on because there are moments, moments that make it all worthwhile.

Pride.

You build a family in hopes that some day you can sit back and enjoy the people you have helped create. You create an environment where children can grow into successful adults. You try to minimize the hurt they have to deal with along the way and sometimes you succeed.

Sometimes you dont.

The pains of exeriences are yours alone. No one can take away what life is going to throw at you.

It is the people you surround yourself with that allow you to grow into the person you do want to be. Your family will always be there but your friends are just as important.

They come into your life at certain times for certain reasons and they are part of the learning process.

Watching yesterday after graduation as these beautiful smart incredibly talented (shall I go on) group of girls tearfully said goodbye to each other was hard.

Being a parent always is.

I wished we could bring the life they have built in Boston home with us so it didnt have to end. I wish I could assure them that friendships are indefinite and they would still see each other all the the time.

That would be the easy thing to do.

Instead we comforted D1 as we left behind a world that she has been a part of for the last 4 years. A world that she didnt always love but has learned to be a part of just the same.

She grew when she was gone. She experienced things only being away from home can teach you. She made bonds with people that she loved.

And yesterday as I watched her say goodbye, it broke my heart, but at the same time that feeling again.

Pride.

She made it through 4 years of college, through family tragedies no child should ever deal with. She made it through countless illnesses and moments of time when she thought all she wanted to do was come home.

She built friendships with people so different from herself and learned about life somtimes through things that I wished she never had to go through.

I am proud in a way that makes my heart feel like it will explode. I sat and listened to speeches that talked about change and diversity and the "Wii" generation (pun intended) and I thought about all the moments that led up to this event.

Nothing any speaker could say could ever fully encapsulate what has brought each of these kids to this day.

And no amount of words could ever detail the feeling of pride, the feeling of respect and love you feel for your child as they now head out into an uncertain world.

Pride. A feeling like no other. It balloons in you as you look over the work you have put in to see the product that developed.

I am so proud of not what D1 has done but the person she became in the process. She held true to herself and she made her own path.

And now she will take that and go on to the next phase of her life.

And someday she may know how we feel today.

But pride is something that I think may be exclusive to adults. Children can be proud of themselves and they should be.

But the feeling you get as your child moves through a difficult stage or goes on to the next part of their life and the feelings you get when you see how much they have done, despite adversity....

Pride.... in the name of love.

My heart swells with it today.

Mothers Day Tips

2009-05-10T17:14:00.004-04:00

Here are 10 ways to make your mother/wife have a happy mothers day.

1. Get up before she does so she isnt awakened at 7am to let the dog out who right now is her favorite daughter in the house.

2. Do not fight with your sisters. It is annoying the other 364 days a year and maybe just maybe you could stop yourself for one day.

3. Anticipate her every whim, dont allow her to want for anything.

4. Do not fall asleep on the couch any time for any reason at any point over the course of the day.

5. Make your mom/wife feel like you really care and really appreciate her. This could be simply by cleaning or doing something you wouldnt ordinarily do.

6. Rub her feet, scratch her back, kiss her butt.

7. Call her and wish her a happy mothers day unless you are in a foreign country.

8. Think about all the things she does on a regular Sunday and do them for her without her having to ask for them, get coldcuts, finish the laundry so we have clothes for the week, make sure whatever she wants is available for dinner.

9. Dont wait to be told to do any of these things because once it had to be said in a blog it really is too late.

10. Mothers Day is the one day a year that mothers are supposed to have the day off. Oh wait that is only in the land of That would never happen land because no one in the world is capable of doing a mothers job or even coming close to it.

Its an overrated day. But really so is life isnt it? Yeah you can say I am being ungrateful and cynical and I probably am but its mothers day and I can do whatever I want. Tomorrow I will go back to being my bright and shiny self.. making all the world a better place. Just call me Mrs. Freakin Sunshine.

A Classic Story of a nose ring, a one armed man and a whole lot of Dos Equis

2009-05-03T12:07:00.002-04:00

There are stories that I love to tell and this is one of them.

I cant believe it has taken me almost a year and over 100 posts to write it.

This story is 100% true on all counts and dont even THINK of suggesting that the excessive amount of Dos Equis and Jose Cuervo in any way enhanced it.

Ask Hubby. He witnessed it all and will guest blog about it if need be. With the missing two fingers he types oober slowly though so it may take awhile.

So with the possibility of being called a giant Pinocchio here goes....

Once a lifetime ago... when I was 30... and had four little children at home... ages 10, 9, 4 and 2 1/2... hubby had a huge surprise party for me and gave me a trip to Cancun. It was a great surprise and I looked forward to some free time alone with the love of my life.

So off we go to the magical land of clear blue water and bottomless pina coladas for our first trip away from our children.

I am keeping this story about our adventure and not the rest of the trip but there were moments that I missed the kids so much I cried to go home.

Yeah we were gone for 4 days.

In any case... one night we head off to Senor Frogs. We were told when you go to Cancun you have to go to Senor Frogs or Carlos and Charlies. We get all dressed one night and yes I was 30 lbs thinner than I am now and looked like I was 25. Its the teenagers, they have aged me.

So we are looking super cool and head off to the party capital of Cancun. The place is packed and so we kind of sneak in pretending we are eating dinner there and then we sneak over to the night club part.

Here is the thing about going out to a place like this in Cancun. Everyone is on vacation and everyone has been partying since they opened their eyes.

And there is a water slide and there are girls in bikinis and its all good.

So we are drinking beer and tequila, my favorite combination, back when I could keep my eyes open past 9:30pm. there is a band playing and the guy from Kool and the Gang who was recently on American Idol was headlining...wooo....what excitement.

In any case... we are having a great time,just drinking and dancing and people are starting to dance on tables and as the night goes on people are starting to fall off tables...wow that is gonna hurt in the morning...

So Hubby has to go let out some of the Dos Equis and Tequila and he leaves me in Cancun to go to the little boys room.

He is gone no sooner than one second, or maybe I just looked around more after he left me, that I notice a one armed man and a cocktail waitress right next to me. She is bringing him drinks and he is kind of hitting on her and I am way too drunk and so I am staring...

All of a sudden confetti starts falling from the sky and it is landing in everyones drinks and it is getting in everyones faces... it was annoying... so the cocktail waitress goes to wipe the confetti away from her face and she knocks out her diamond nose ring.

This is absolutely real.

So she is freaking out, oh no my nose ring, it was a diamond, i have to find it, and so the one armed man and I start helping her look on the floor for it... in a dirty Cancun bar that is filled with sawdust and confetti and sand and... lets not think too hard about what else was down there...

so we are on our hands and knees in the bar, shockingly all that tequila and beer made me comfortable crawling around on a bar room floor with a one armed man and a mexican cocktail waitress.

So we cant find it and she is really upset and I say dont worry you can put a new one in when you get home and she says,,, no i just got it pierced and it cant be out of that long.

Well lucky for her although it was 1997 I was still living in 1985 and I had 7 earrings in my ears about 4 of them being FAKE diamond studs.

So I take one out and say here have this. She says oh no I couldnt and I say no really go ahead. And she says Ok can you help me put it back in... and I say of course because thats what you do in those situations...

and that is why when hubby came out of the bathroom I was standing in a bar full of drunk people...with my fingers up the nose of a mexican cocktail waitress while the one armed man stood by.. you know in case I needed help...and music was blaring and people were falling off tables and confetti was falling from the sky... and it was time to go.

Unfortunately you cannot put two very drunk idiots from Long Island in Mexico and let them loose. We got on a bus going in the wrong direction and well after we were in the neighborhood where the workers live... the bus driver said.. Que Pasa...where are you going? Lucky for me I was fluent in 7th grade Spanish and said... oh my god we are lost we need to go back to ...hotel i cant remember name of... please rape us and kill us and dump our bodies in the ocean and no one will have any idea what happened to us.

So he said... get off the bus here and wait for the bus going in the other direction.

And we did and we were too drunk to notice that people with switchblades and giant lions and tigers were at the bus stop trying to kill us... ok wait.... this part may have been part of my hallucination....

and we got on the bus going back to the hotel and lets just say there was an incident there too but I wont go into it for fear of embarassing my kids...

Anyway... it was proably the most fun night I have ever had.

And I am missing a small diamondique stud to prove it.

I'm BACK

2009-05-01T08:50:00.004-04:00

Dear Frenzied Fans,
I have returned for a short spurt of power blogging. I officially finished all my classes, handed in all final work yesterday and now have even registered for summer, which will start in exactly two and a half weeks. That is all you have me for and then you will only see me on twitter as I frantically wonder why I continue to overwhelm myself with way too much to do and never enough time to do it.

anyhoodle...

I wanted to start blogging sooner but I somehow started on an Amazon quest to look for something for D3's boyfriend for graduation and then I remembered I had a cousin who needed a graduation gift and then.. well you know it all went to hell.

So Here is my long awaited blog....

Boys are like Dogs...

Before you start making cracks like no... dogs are way cuter than boys... just hear me out. I have a lot to say on this subject. (Dont I always)

First off boys are like dogs because they have to be trained. From the time they are puppies. If you cannot get to your puppy before they are trained by someone else you might be in trouble. Old dogs cannot learn new tricks contrary to popular belief and once a dog is peeing on your carpet... well its hard to retrain without a lot of failures and heartaches. You can cage them but as soon as they are free... peeing everywhere.

Now this implies you need to meet your boy/dog when they are young...kind of... My friend and I at work have decided that everyone we know who is in a happy (and i used that word loosely when you have been married for 25 years)committed marriage has been together since high school.

dont panic college girls. Your puppies just spent the last 4 years drunk and stupid so they still can be molded into the perfect boy. It just takes a little extra work and you need to look out for the good base.

For instance... a golden retriever... good base... trainable even after they are ruined by their mother/other girlfriend/themself. Chiahuaha... no not so much... so look for the golden retrievers ladies.... they are sweet on the inside down to the core and they feel really bad when they poop on the carpet and dissapoint you.

My dog... (and i mean my real dog, not my husband) would look at you and say... screw you I couldnt hold it in. I tried. But I failed. Get over it.

You do not want a man like a chiahuaha... and that usually comes with the short mans attitude and an inferiority complex. You know cops, firemen, men who are a little short in the you know what department so they need to make it up by carrying a big gun or firehose.

Ok so to train your boy/dog you need to follow a few simple rules. What I like to do is praise them like its their idea when you have clearly told them what to do..

For instance... you put a treat just out of their reach and you say... stay... stay... this is just so they know you are in charge.... and then you say ok go get your treat... and then you make it seem like it was their idea... good boy... good boy... what a good job you did staying....you were so good at that... wow you are amazing... lalalalala .... you get the idea right?

You need to state over and over again (because boys and men and puppies never listen)
exactly what you want. I wish I could tell you that after all these years they eventually can think on their own but lets be serious... you have to keep updating your training and lets face it why do dogs still need to be on a leash after you have had them for 10 years. Exactly... because boys are like dogs and they still dont listen when there is something they want to run after... be it another dog... another girl... beer... whatever... just keep your dog/boy on a really short leash.

So dont think that after all those years together they will know that you need ice cream when you call and say... wow my day sucked. You say... please bring me home Ben and Jerrys NY Superfudge Chunk and then when they get home you praise them like it was their idea... Wow what a good boy you are you remembered how much I love ice cream when I am sad.

Sometimes I like to do a little test and say... ok go to 7-11 and bring me home my favorite candy bar. It usually causes complete panic but it gives you a little insight into where you are in your training schedule.

They get some points but not all if they contact your kids and say holy crap what is mommys favorite candy bar. If they come home with 5 candy bars and you have eaten every one of them at one point in your life, that gets some points too. I mean we are dealing with boys here. Dont expect too much. If they come home with a snickers when you are deathly allergic to peanuts, you have a bigger problem on your hands and I would say trade that boy into the shelter and take your chances with a dog from the pound because really you couldnt do any worse.

Just remember these tips... dogs will do anything for meat... and so will boys.... dont be fooled by that... you need to make sure that they will do anything even when they are not getting the meat at the end and you can accmplish this by offering and then repealing the invitation. See if your dog growls, barks or bites, because if they do... get rid of it... there are no cures for growlers, barkers or biters. They cannot be retrained and other than finding some homeless dog for them to be with they should really be put to sleep. There is no place on the Earth for biting dogs.

Boys and dogs like to mark their territory. For dogs we know they pee on everything but basically this is what boys are doing also when they put a hickey on your neck, buy you a sweatshirt that says I love my boyfriend or ask you to where their varsity jacket or high school ring (ok i am going back to the 50's here but you know what i mean)

Now its facebook. They pee on you by leaving messages on your facebook that clearly says.. "stay away from my girlfriend" or "so and so is in a relationship with..." yeah... you are marked. Its ok if you are in it for the long haul but if you are still pounding the pavement for that perfect puppy... dont let them mark you.

Dogs like to hang around in packs. Do not allow this. Divide and conquer. Boys and dogs in large packs can be dangerous. Suddenly they think farting and burping is cool when they are all together. it is like all your training goes down the tubes. You need to be constantly monitoring their behavior when they are in large groups. Especially when they are off the leash like at baseball games or bachelor parties. This could require an intense training session that might even require a swat on the nose. Keep a close eye out for this and if it starts to go bad get them back on the leash.

There are times when you are going to be tempted to let them out on their own. I mean you are tired and sick of the constant training. This is okay but dont make this a habit. You will see just how fast all this untraining will take place. Before you can say "Fetch" they will start having thoughts of their own. They might even think they can train you. This is the time to use the electric collar if need be. That would be cause for drastic measures. You cannot, I repeat cannot have them thinking that they can in any way train you.

Dogs need attention and some dogs are good about asking nicely, sitting quietly next to you until you pay attention to them. Others are in your face jumping up and down pet me pet me. This is your own personal decision. What kind of a boy do you want... the one who can sit and wait or the one pursuing you? Either way just make sure you have your leash in one hand and you box of training treats in the other.

Dogs are usually very loyal but if you encounter a dog who want to leave and hang out with another family.. just let them go. Stray dogs usually get hit by cars... so that is your revenge and you can start over fresh with an untainted puppy. It is probably better that way anyway.

I am sorry if any dogs were insulted by being compared to boys. No dogs were harmed in the making of this blog. Boys on the other hand....SIT!

Can you spot the good dog?

Yes this is a trick question...

he is the one behind the camera taking a picture of me in the Dominican Republic...

after he took this picture he hugged me real tight and said you are beautiful and amazing in respnse to the fact that we had been traveling for hours and had to switch to a different airport and take a two hour crazy ride to our resort. I am kinda easy going like that and he loves me for it.

Good boy!

Just one more day

2009-04-30T22:41:00.003-04:00

I know you all have been waiting patiently... ok maybe not so patiently. I have been just receiving thousands of emails begging me to write my next blog. and i will... over the weekend ok. just wait until the weekend. really you have to stop with the phone calls and the texting and all that. i will be back to blogging soon. only until may 19th when i start my super powered summer session 12 credits in 8 weeks baby. you know it. so i will blog away until then but i am watching private practice now and it is so sick and i have to give it my full attention.

ok gotta go now.

oink oink

A song for someone special

2009-04-21T20:35:00.003-04:00

I heard this song today in the car and it reminded me of someone special. It made me think of you M.O.N. I have read your blog and stalked you a little on facebook and i hope you are ok. Please call me if you need me. You can call collect. Or email me. Thinking about you.

Fast Car lyrics

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I both can get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone

be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone

be someone

You got fast car
And I got a job that pays our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone

be someone

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Stay happy, stay healthy and keep in touch when you can.

i am lame

2009-04-19T22:34:00.004-04:00

ok i know i am totally lame and this blog has taken a back seat to just about everything.

homework, if i was actually doing it. facebook stalking, which i have done way too much lately, worrying, which has really become a full time job for me, work which is the only thing that makes me laugh these days, oh that and the 2 kids i have left home who make me laugh everyday.

even if we are all going to hell.

i have a great blog idea in mind, and i have been dying to write about it but heres the problem....

one week left to chemistry final one week left to hand in 2 15 page research papers plus project, 1 6 page language paper, 1 3 page culture paper, 1 1 page reponse paper. and i am blogging, watching brothers and sisters, and looking at prom pictures.

so you will just have to wait for my great blog idea until next week or sooner if i am procrastinating.

but here are some prom pictures you can enjoy of D3 and her adorable boyfriend. they were by far the cutest couple at the prom.

Sexting

2009-04-15T07:43:00.003-04:00

I only have about 15 minutes to blog but I just saw the most disturbing thing on the news this morning.

Yeah besides the complete drama about Obama's dog.

Sexting... sending inappropriate pictures by cell phone texting or on the internet.

ok... have we all lost our minds in this world?

If you take a nude picture of yourself as a teenager and send it to your friend, boyfriend etc... you are charged with child pornography. then you are registered on the national child abuse registry for the next 30 years or more.

These are stupid kids doing silly thing and their whole life is ruined.

On the other hand, as a teenage girl how low of self esteem must you have if you are sending nude pictures of yourself to people?

They said the answer to this is parents.

Parents are the first line of defense they say.

but honestly until i heard this today on the news i would have had no idea that there were muliple kids out there participating in this and that the results are so catastrophic.

Your life is over. They just showed one story where a girl sent her boyfriend nude pictures of herself. He showed them to his friends who made copies and distributed them to other people and before long the whole school knew about it.

She hung herself in her closet with her cell phone close by after people repeatedly tortured her over it.

Ok I have a much more open relationship with D3 and D4 then I did with D1 and D2. I think because there is no one I am trying to keep things quiet from. We just openly talk more often.

but in my wildest dreams i would never have thought of saying... dont send naked pictures of yourself to your friends because you can be charged with child pornography.

There was a similar situation a few years ago when people took naked pictures of their children. I have many pictures of my kids in the bath and sitting on the potty and maybe one kid wearing nothing but a pair of my leather boots, but these are harmless adorable kid pictures.

As always in this world, the intent of what we are trying to do is lost and the specifics are ridiculous.

On the morning show there was an argument over whether the law should be changed or we should educate the kids that this is wrong.

Wow... what the hell? Of course we should educate our children that sending pictures of themself or anyone else is wrong. it is demeaning and obviously a call for help.

But... are these teenagers doomed to a lifetime of being on the sex offender registry? Is that the essence of what this registry is used for? Doesnt it seem ridiculous that these dumb teenagers will never lead a normal life?

Its just another thing in this world that I seriousy do not understand.

That and why we are so worried that the Obama girls got an adorable dog that they arent allergic to instead of a shelter dog like they were promised.

And while that is on the top of the news, pirates are taking over the world.

Well if one of them was Johnny Depp it wouldnt be so bad right?

99th and 1/2 post

2009-04-03T09:23:00.005-04:00

Ok I know I have not blogged in awhile.

The reason is that this is my 100th post and because I am really into that kind of celebratory shit I have been trying to thing up the ultimate 100th post.

but I am compelled to write this now because its just so ridiculous and since I am alone and have no one else to talk to I need to share.

I am in McDonalds or my office as I like to call it, procrastinating from doing so much homework I dont even have time to list it.

There is a guy on his cell phone fighting with his boss. It is so loud and so inappopriate and he has scarred my ears multiple times with the F curse. Right in McDonalds, home of that creepy clown Ronald and the happy meal. Its no place for the F word. Unless of course they ran out of fries. In which case that would require a rifle and a hostage situation along with lots of F words.

But what is it that makes people feel the need to bring others into their private business. Why dont you take that outside Mr. Blue Collar F curser? They are literally fighting over whether or not the calls on his cell phone are appropriate work calls.

"ok so sometimes when I am in traffic I call my wife to tell her the I will be late to pick the kids up"

Pause

"yeah well you said you were gonna give me something extra, some fucking compensation for how hard i work"

"i dont like to call you because i know you dont like to hear this shit"

on and on... now he is off the phone and telling others in the morning quiet of micky dees all about his life.

You dont know my life.... hahah that is from baby mama. funny movie...

Now he is bashing the government....

Wow for real... I should live in the basement... with my dear friend who really gets me. Things are much clearer down there. Its like when Willie Wonka brings the kids into the colorful part of the candy factory. And everything is rainbows and butterflies, well and candy too.

Thats how we are in the basement. Food tastes better, stories are funnier and lets face it the world is just such a better place below ground. Above ground there are cursers and teenagers and people that should be avoided.

I reserve the right to call this my 99 1/2 post because the 100th one should be better than this.

But its posting this or I get on the phone with Hubby and scream... what the fuck is going on in this world with loud talkers and oversharers?

only kidding. i never curse out loud. I whisper it...

Passion

2009-03-21T19:43:00.004-04:00

I have never seen the movie Serendipity but D4 was watching it on TV this afternoon and I caught the end of it. I basically know the premise, something about destiny and finding the one person in this world to love. In any case, the guy in it was going to get married, settling for someone other than his soul mate that he couldnt find and he decided against it. His best man is like, oh good, because instead of writing a best man speech, i wrote an obituary for you. what? yeah because your soul was going to die if you married that girl who was not your soul mate.

Then the best man says, you know the greeks dont write obituaries they just ask one question when someone dies... did he have passion?

I spent the morning reading letters that Hubby had written me from Boot Camp and then all the months we were seperated and I discovered some really important things that I had forgotten.

We were bad. If I didnt have 4 children who would be horrified by more information than that I would clue you in... but for real we did some crazy stuff.

Is passion the same as lust?

Why did I think we were so grown up when our letters just proved how immature and unrealistic we were? I wanted a baby 5 minutes after we were married. Why? We were 18 and 19, just children ourselves and yet we, or should I say, I wanted desperately to have something that was just ours to love and care for. We could barely take care of ourselves at the time and yet there we were just 6 months later, pregnant and 9 months after that, parents.

Hubby did like hugs at one time and perhaps they were saved just for me but... again where have i failed my family that they do not appreciate a good hug from someone? Hugging is intimate, it creates a closeness that brings you together. I love to hug my family but they hate it so I try to control it. I love to hug my cousins and they are all great huggers too. When we get together and hug, it lasts minutes because neither of us wants to let go first. We hug each other tight and long because we have to make up for all the time we havent hugged. I would kill for a hug from my cousin Janice or Dawn right now.

Hubby told me he loved me after we were together for 2 weeks. I didnt remember that. In fact I thought I told him at 1 month and he didnt respond. That is how I remember it, apparently my memory was flawed because I found a letter today that said "I dont know if you know this because I never told you but I love you" The letter was dated August 15, 1984. Our official going out date is July 30th, 1984. So he loved me that quick. And for this long. I still find it hard to believe that this summer we will have been together for 25 years. And known each other for a little longer than that, maybe 2 years before. It's hard to love someone for this long, yet we have done it,so far, you know except for the snoring.

When we were together for like 3 months I couldnt stand how nice he was to me and I wanted the relationship to end. In my defense I think my parents constant fighting scarred me from truly appreciating when someone was being nice to me and I equated niceness with weakness not strength like I now believe it is. He wrote me a beautiful letter asking me what I wanted from him. Did I want him to leave me alone or could we still be together? I think it said "If you can still see us together we can go back to making more beautiful memories like the ones we have already made" He left a white stuffed bear on my car at work and when I asked him how he knew if maybe someone stole it off my car, he said "I waited in the parking lot to make sure you got it" I still didnt think I could live with someone so nice and we were apart for like 3 months until I came to my senses. I cannot for the life of me remember what made me appreciate him but I am thankful that I did because my life with him is something that I dont think I could have lived without. He has made me into a better person and besides the four amazing daughters I have, he has brought so much love and joy to my world, snoring and all.

Our early days together were filled with passion(or lust)I cant tell the difference. And so much constant confirming how much in love we were and how much we couldnt live without each other. We said it all the time and begged each other in an unspoken way to confirm to each other how important we were in each others lives. It was so desperate and so immature but yet so filled with love and caring. It is hard to explain and yet I am compelled to explain it. All we had was each other and that is how we wanted it.

We spent many months apart and contrary to popular belief, absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it plays tricks on your mind and makes you believe that life is just fine without that person. I always had trouble being alone and in my senior year of high school after hubby left for the Navy, I was lost and sad and desperate for company. I tried hanging out with hubbys friends and lets just say I didnt realize that boys could be so disgusting to each other. More than one of them hit on me, more than one time and then told hubby that it was me who hit on them. Needless to say we were not friends much longer and I felt more alone than ever.

I was fighting with a lot of people my senior year in high school and couldnt wait to get out. I tried to graduate early but the principal of my school said I should stay to enjoy the senior activities. I wished him dead every day of the rest of that year and low and behold it finally worked and he had a heart attack the night before we graduated. Sickly I did not feel sad nor do I feel any regret now. Yes the message is dont piss me off. My voodoo spells work if I put my mind to it and since I havent slept in over a week, I have plenty of time for spells.

I digress.

Love can start at any time. I dont think there is an official time when you can safely say I love you and know for sure that the other person feels the same way or will say it back. Love changes so much that yes at 2 weeks you can feel something that seems like love. It starts off with passion and passion is as intense as love but it doesnt last. Passion is something that burns within you and replaces loneliness with a feeling that fills you up. It feels like love but it fades. Passion is great while things are good. Passion is quick to flee when things are bad. It is hard to feel passionate about anything when the toilets are overflowing and the kids have the croup and there isnt enough money to pay the bills. Or when you are overweight or have lost the perkiness in your boobs by breastfeeding too many damn kids. Or day in day out you go through the motions and dont have any time alone to rekindle the passion. It is hard to keep it going and that is why relationships fail. Because ultimately the only relationship that will last is a deep and permanent friendship, one that is cultivated over time.

If you cannot talk to your significant other about your hopes, dreams and fears now you will never be able to do it later. It needs to be there right from the beginning. Trust.. I trust that I can tell him my deepest darkest thoughts and he will be able to hear them from me. Really hear me say things that are important to me even if as a primitive man he only has enough blood to use for one organ and he chooses to use it for his brain when I need him to.

Passion is replaced by love, love is created by friendship. Time goes by and our love is changing, always changing. Did he have passion? Of course at one time we all have had passion. Did we think it was love? Sure we did, but hubby and I, we were lucky enough to have more than that. We were friends. We reached out of our loneliness and we held on to each other and through all the tornadoes and collapses we held on. We were so young and so naive and yet we both wanted the same things. We wanted it all, the friendship, the passion, the love, we wanted it and we wanted to make it grow. We built our life on it and over the years as things got harder, it was our passion for our friendship that made it last. It was our passion for respect that made it last.

Through all the letters i read this morning I remembered things I had forgotten about our relationship. How desperate we were to make it work. How us against the world we made our life together. How deep passion has grown into love, love that transcends time and distance. Distance forced us to evaluate the realness of it. We didnt have the luxury of blind passion, we had the luxury of long precious letters. Letters that can be reread when the going gets tough and the passion seems to have faded.

i havent looked at those letters in a long time and since this has been a seriously sucky week I am glad I looked at them today. It reminded me of quite a few things that I needed to see.

First, we are way better parents than our parents were, because for real, when I flew out to california at 17 years old and had my pocketbook stolen that first night and had to ask for help, what the hell were my parents thinking? they were so irresponsible in letting me go. and i was so young and stupid to think that i should be allowed.

Second, we made it despite some stupid mistakes. And I worry so much lately(which is why i cant sleep)and I spend my nights thinking how will my kids survive in this world. How will D1 find a job in this economy, can D2 really continue along partying her way through Europe, D3, oh forget about that, my anxiety over her ranges from decisions I made years ago to have her skip a grade to whether or not she will be ok next year in college to why wont they let her go to All State Nyssma, and D4, I worry that with the way things are going i will not be strong enough to continue my stalking of her when its needed and necessary.

But my kids will make it too. They have a good base and they will survive like we did, making their own stupid mistakes and going on, because they have to, they have passion for life, and that is what you need in the moments of darkness.

Third, we didnt have facebook, we didnt have text messaging, we had letters, hand written that i can go back and look at. So I can remember. when the going gets tough I can take those letters out of their precious place in my closet and hold them in my hands and remember what I was doing when I held those letter 24 years ago. I forgot we were that young, so full of life, so incapable of listening to our parents wisdom. We bared our souls to each other, leaving us raw and exposed and together we healed our wounds so that we could become the people we wanted to, the people we have grown into because of each others tenderness in caring for the other when it was needed.

Fourth, we started off with nothing and amidst the chaos of our life we have built something that is unique and precious. We accomplished what very few people have. We are in our 40's, we have amazing children that are out paving their way in the world and we love each other still. I dont know that the things we said in those letters could ever or should ever be repeated but it was fun to look back and remember how little we had and how much we have now.

I stay up nights wondering what I did wrong and why I didnt notice it sooner. Why at 41 years old do I feel incapable of handling my children and how at 41 am I going to be the mom I was years ago, planning special things, doing for everyone equally? Where did my passion go? How can I get it back?

I found my soul mate. I never doubted for a second that we would be able to make it through. In the old letters I found today, there was desperation, there was immaturity, there was lust and neediness but underneath all that was passion for a life that we longed to have. And we do.

and all because two people fell in love. At 2 weeks. And forever.

Let me explain....

2009-03-15T19:33:00.005-04:00

ok maybe i should have explained that last blog a little better. My friend and I at work, although most days being far too busy to talk, were disussing our most vivid and amusing childhood rhymes. And my friend said they should be written down somewhere to be preserved for all time. I completely agreed as things like that should never be allowed to dissapear after a generation. so i began a search of all that is right with the previous generations and to prove all that is wrong with the current one.

Do children even sit together clapping hands and singing inappropriate rhymes anymore? No they do not. They play video games or they spend hours on Facebook but no clapping and singing about enemies or diarrhea. Its a sad statement of the way the world has become.

When we were young most boys were well... boys. They didnt have more hair products than I do and they didnt dress like Abercrombie models. They wore Wrangler jeans and t-shirts and sweatshirts and as long as they didnt smell like ass, well all was good. None of this metrosexual stuff. Just pure manly men.

We didnt have cell phones, facebook, IMing, skype, oovoo or any way to get in touch with people other than the home phone of which there was only one of and usually in the kitchen. If you were on the phone too long, the person got a busy signal and oh well, they couldnt reach you.

We were always wrong if the teacher said we were. Our parents did not defend us in any way. No matter if we were right or not. God forbid a teacher called home or sent a letter. We were dead. And dead meant not going out or talking on the phone or watching our 13 channels of tv. Dead meant sitting in your room suffering. Dead sometimes meant being hit, really our parents hit us and we never even considered calling child protective services.

We did smoke and drink and somehow got away with it more than you ever could now. Probably because the drinking and smoking age was way lower and our parents smoked and drank also. We did dangerous stupid things and thankfully are still alive today because some of our friends werent so lucky. Hubby and I had multiple friends who died in car crashes while drunk or high. It was terrible to watch a child die and we saw it often.

We ate at home all the time. We couldnt afford to go out except on holidays. We ate things filled with artificial colors that they later determined caused cancer. We ate fried fish sticks, boxed macaroni and cheese, canned chef boyardee and tons of tv dinners. Cereal was chosen based on the toy it came with and we fought over that like it was gold. all our cereal was sugar coated, chocolate enhanced and if not we poured sugar on it in our bowl.

We had one pair of shoes and one pair of winter boots and one pair of sneakers. We wore hand me downs and shared our clothes with our cousins and neighbors. We patched our jeans when they ripped in the knee and we changed out of our school clothes when we got home so they would last longer.

We spent weekends at our grandparents hanging out with our cousins soaking up family stories and watching our parents drink too much and argue with their siblings. We learned lots of stuff we should never have and then were sworn to secrecy as family matters should be kept private.

On a night like tonight, a Sunday, we would eat early, take our showers and be in clean fresh pjs in time for the sunday night Wonderful World Of Disney which was the only thing on and we all together as a family would sit in front of our only TV and watch it. We watched the commercials like the one for Calgon.

We watched Saturday morning cartoons with public service announcements and educational videos and very important commercials that had messages for young girls like us to see.

We learned from these educational videos and some of them I still remember to this day.

I still know how a bill becomes a law and i know you may not believe this but I have that one on my ipod.

Oh shoot... I showed my progressive behavior by admitting that I own an IPod. Ok I also have a cell phone, a gps, a computer and I know how to use all of them. I know how to stalk my kids on facebook so I know they are alive and well and not doing anything too dangerous. I text instead of talking because well its just way easier that way. I live by the DVR and cant imaging a life now where I would have to be in front of the tv with my pjs on by 7 to see all that I wanted to watch.

At this moment all four of us are on our laptops watching Amazing Race on Dvr so we never have to see a commercial like this one

We can safely speed through and get to the next part of our show without ever having to see anything awkward or uncomfortable

Wow that is creepy isnt it?

The point is somehow we survived our life in the 70's and 80's and you will too. Although you will complain about your parents and the things you didnt have growing up just remember to hold onto to all of your old toys, they will be worth a fortune when you get older, like this one.

And by the time you are my age you can probably beam yourself from one place to the next but you should still find time to spend with those you love, the memories you make today will last long into your future and someday they may be the only things you have left.

Every generation has their complaints and they have their favorite things as well. there are good things we can learn from previous generations and things like koolaid which should be erased forever. life will hopefully continue to evolve and we will continue to sing songs like

and yes i have lost my mind. thanks for noticing. no one else in my family has. they just took away my chocolate and left me here to die.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire...

2009-03-14T20:12:00.004-04:00

I was given a challenge if I chose to accept it and well of course... a challenge is a challenge. So I am not sure I am able to complete the assignment but I will try my best.

Baby Baby stick your head in gravy wash it out with bubble gum and send it to the Navy.

Great Green Globs of greasy grimy gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, little birdies bloody feet, french fried eyeballs rolling in the frying pan but I forgot my spoon so they gave me a... scab sandwich with pus on top, monkeys vomit and camel snot, elephants eyeballs split in two, eat it nancy its good for you.

Beans Beans there good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart, the more you fart the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal.

The Adams Family started when Uncle Fester farted, they really are retarded the Adams family.

When you're standin' in the shower
And you smell somethin sour,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you're slidin' into home
And your pants are full of foam,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you smell somethin' funky
And your pants are feelin chunky,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you're sittin' in a class,
And that fart let out more than gas,
Diarrhea,
Diarrhea,
When you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter
diarrhea
diarrhea
When you think its kind of funny
but its really soft and runny
Diarrhea
Diarrhea
Some people think it's gross,
But it's really good on toast!
Diarrhea, diarrhea!

Miss Susie had a tug boat,
her tug boat had a bell (ding ding),
miss Susie went to heaven her tug boat went to HELL...o operator
please give me number nine,
and if you disconnect me I'll cut off your behind the refridgerator
there lay a piece of glass
miss Susie sat upon it and cut her little ASS...k me no more questions,
I'll tell you now more lies
the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flys..are in the meadow,
the bees are in the park,
miss Susie and her boyfriend are kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k, dark dark dark.

comet it makes your mouth turn green
comet it tastes like gasoline
comet it makes you vomit
So buy some comet and vomit today

Jingle bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
the batmobile lost a wheel and the joker got away

Going to kentucky going to the fair to see the senorita with flowers in her hair. Shake it shake it shake it shake it all you can, shake it like a milkshake and do the best you can. rumble to the bottom, rumble to the top turn around and turn around until you make it stop.

All the girls in France
Do the hula hula dance
and the way they shake
is enough to kill a snake
when the snake is dead
you put diamonds in his head
when the diamonds break
it's enough to bake a cake
when the cake is done
it is 1981
when you tie your shoe
it is 1982
when you get stung by a bee
it is 1983
when you slam a door
it is 1984
when you dance the jive
it is 1985
when you pick up sticks
it is 1986
when you like a boy named devon
it is 1987
when you close the gate
it is 1988
when you're feelin' fine
it is 1989
then it gets all cold
then you
FREEZE!

Chinese Japanese
Dirty Knees
What are these
Boobies

Milk, milk lemonade
'Round the corner fudge is made.
Put your finger in the hole,
Now you got a Tootsie Roll

Miss Susie had a baby
she named him Tiny Tim
She put him in the bath tub
to see if he can swim
He drank up all the water,
he ate up all the soap
He tried to fit the bathtub
but it wouldn't fit his throat
Mrs. Susie called the doctor
The doctor called the nurse
The nurse called the lady
with the alligator purse

oh little playmate
Come out and play with me.
And bring your dollys three.
Climb up my apple tree.
Slide down my rainbow.
Into my cellar door.
And we'll be jolly friends.
For every more
One two three four.
oh little enemy
Come out and fight with me.
And bring your soldiers three.
Climb up my poisonous tree.
I'll bring my bb gun
and we'll have lots of fun
I'll scratch your eyes out
and make you bleed to death
And we'll be be jolly enemies
For ever more One two three four.

Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe if he hollers let him go. My mother said to pick the very best one and you are NOT it.

Down down baby down by the roller coaster sweet sweet baby i'll never let you go, shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy pop, shimmy shimmy cocoa pop shimmy shimmy pop

Trick or treat smell my feet.
Give me something good to eat.
If you don't, I don't care- I'll pull down your underwear.

teddy bear teddy bear turn around,
teddy Bear teddy bear touch the ground,
teddy bear teddy bear go upstairs,
teddy bear teddy bear say your prayers,
teddy bear teddy bear turn off the light,
teddy bear teddy bear say goodnight

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured all the teachers, we have broken every rule.
We have hung the secretary, we have shot the principal,
Our gang goes marching on.
Glory, glory, what’s it to ya?
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
Met her at the gate with a loaded .38
And she ain’t gonna teach no more!

Me Chinese, me play joke,
Me put pee-pee in your Coke.

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack
All dressed in black, black, black
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons
All down her back, back, back.

She asked her mom, mom, mom
For fifty cents, cents, cents,
To see the boys, boys, boys
Pull down their pants, pants, pants.

When someone says "Shut up..."
Reply with "I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you I throw up! Then your mother comes around the corner and licks it up!"

Mistakes I have made No eraser big enough

2009-03-12T08:43:00.005-04:00

I have made so many mistakes in my life. Actually I am making one right now. I have over 300 pages I have to read for homework yet I am sending rude emails and blogging. Yesterday I made a mistake, I went shopping instead of doing my homework. The day before more mistakes, more shopping, no homework.

Oh procrastination... a mistake I make often over and over again. Isnt that the definition of a moron, someone who does the same things over and over and expects a different result.

The mistakes I make on a daily basis are nothing compared to the catastrophic mistakes that I made that will last forever.

For instance, procrastinating is not such a big mistake but I passed it on to my children and that is a big mistake.

Oh my children... I have made such big mistakes with them, things I can never take back or change now. You know when you dont do a good job training your dog and then for the rest of its life it pees in the house or bites people, yeah those kind of mistakes.

Man I picked a bad week to give up crack.

Another huge mistake I made with the kids... I taught them to use ben and jerrys as a crutch. It used to be we saved ben and jerrys for catastrophic things like death and taxes but now we are like, oh I broke a nail its a ben and jerrys night. I have taught my kids this. When is distress reach for chocolate. I cant undo that. I can barely stop myself. D3 and I were just in 7-11 and they had a 3 lb candy bar that I was eyeing. We laughed because the other night we were talking about whether or not you get butterflies still when you see your boyfriend or husband and I said well do you get butterflies still when you see him like I get when I see that 3 lb Hershey Bar? and this morning while I was looking at it D3 was like oh my god I have never seen your eyes light up like that.

Another mistake... perhaps I have said one too many times Boys are stupid. I thought I was raising my girls to be strong independent women. I wanted them to stand on their own without any need for a boy to take care of them. I think it backfired. They are so independent that boys have become... well expendable. Is that a word? Well I mean that boys dont seem to be permanent fixtures in our house. They come and go... like.... well like Ben and Jerrys. I mean I used to love Neapolitan Dynamite. I used to make Hubby drive to multiple stores if he couldnt find it. No nothing else will do. No I cant buy chocolate fudge brownie and cherry garcia and mix them. No it is not the same thing. You have been to 3 stores already, did you try the 7-11 in MIller Place? they always have it. You havent tried there yet well then you havent tried everywhere.

Now...New York Superfudge Chunk. No I couldnt eat Neapolitan Dynamite. because Neapolitan Dynamite annoys me. Its all in my face, getting on my nerves and stuff. sometimes it has more chocolate fudge brownie and not enough cherry garcia sometimes vice versa. Whatever you know what? I just dont want it anymore. No never. I never want to see it again and if it knocks on my door I am not changing my mind. Even if it offers to change into something better it can never be New York Superfudge Chunk.Ok fine.

I have taught my girls that there are only three boys a girl can trust in her life. Ben, Jerry and her daddy. And only if her daddy is carrying a bag of Ben and Jerrys.

I have not done a good job as a mother. And as I was so busy patting myself on the back criticizing all the other mothers I didnt know until I discovered that my kids have issues. Such as obsessive compulsively trying to get paint spots off the floor, (how did that happen because I could care less) Oh I can blame hubby for that. Or being so irrestible that multiple people stalk them. Oh wait hubby again. Being so competitive in sports and games that they plan revenge on people from one game to the next. Hmmmm hubby again. Being a serious partier and being the life of the party. Yeah not me again.

Ok wait. This is all hubbys fault. I cant believe I have been taking responsibility for these mistakes. They arent mine, they are all genetic traits of hubby and his family.

Oh thank god I am still perfect and yea Boys are still stupid.

nothing to say nothing to do

2009-03-09T20:20:00.003-04:00

Yeah right. do you actually believe I have nothing to do and nothing to say? I dont believe either of those things will ever happen.

in any case what i meant to say is that i dont have time to say anything and dont have time to do anything.

plus i feel too sick to do either.

i am wasting hours on my computer, looking at things i wish i didnt, worrying about things that have nothing to do with me.

i have art homework to do. dont laugh, it still takes hours to do it whether or not its too hard or not.

i have cheyenne to do. nah tisenst deh dun. nancy nah hasheveh.

what is your name? My name is Nancy. See I am learning.

So today was full of stress and not so fun. I had to sign the papers saying I give up on sueing the stupid bastard who stole my store.

I was up all night with my favorite daughter holding her hair back as she puked. She is little and furry and black and not feeling so well. and she is my favorite today, because she hasnt yet today, rolled her eyes at me, talked back, fell on her bad knees, talked like mrs swan or asked me to drive her anywhere or pick her up from anywhere. she just looked at me last night and said "mommy i do not feel well" please hug me. and i did. and she said thanks.

She talks to me all the time and seriously if you dont believe that you should not be reading my blog.

she tells me when she is thirsty and no one fills up her water. she tells me when the people at the vet are bad to her. she tells me when she wants a treat and when she thinks the cats are trying to overthrow the world. yes she does speak cat. she spent alot of time with them before we adopted her.

okay really this blog is going nowhere, i am tired, irritated, nervous, sick and i want candy. i want candy and i cant have any because my friend at work and i decided that we should at least do this for 7 days. I already want to quit. For real. I am stressed out and I want candy.

Candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy

Welcome to my world where everyones a pony and we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies

2009-03-07T06:39:00.004-05:00

22 years ago....I had already been in labor for 31 hours, with my parents and my mother in law by my side as my hubby tried to get home from California. He was stationed there in the Navy and I was waiting for the arrival of D1. I bet D1 is doing right now what she was doing 22 years ago, curled up in a ball hoping to never have to face the world again. HaHa It is 630am.

At this point I believe Hubby had left California and was en route to see the birth of his first child. He arrived just 4 hours before she was born and after the epidural. That is when he said the thing that almost made him physically incapable of ever having children again. Oh you look comfortable. Oh yeah... after the epidural.... I had already been in labor since Thursday night at 1130pm. It was now Saturday at 10am. I was 19, exhausted, and petrified.

It was a beautiful weekend, in the 60's and I was stuck in the hospital the whole weekend because in those days they kept you in forever. On Monday I begged to go home because Hubby was leaving Tuesday morning for the Navy. I cried and begged and they finally let me. We had one night together before he went back to Cali and we didnt see him again for 6 weeks.

Those days were so hard, or so I thought. I never imagined how much harder things get. When you have babies and toddlers you cant imagine it getting any more hectic or more ridiculous. But here is the scene from my house the other night.

I am never sick. Never I just dont have time for it. So I started feeling crappy Thursday afternoon. Really I probably woke up feeling crappy but I tried to ignore it because I had too much to do. I had an enormous headache though that would just not go away. So I tried tylenol,then aspirin, then advil. Nothing would get rid of the headache. We were done early at work so I left at 130 and did something else I never do. Laid on the couch the whole day. Didnt move except to get D3 from school, then bring D3 back to school, pick D4 up from school and drop her off at babysitting.
Finally I get home, go back to the couch and I was so sick I couldnt move. I text hubby, the only thing I could possibly think of eating is slice and bake chocolate chip cookies and a big gulp diet coke. So being the excellent husband he is, he gets it for me, brings it home and doesnt even complain that his dinner is cookies. and he makes the cookies.

So I take Aleve, because I have tried everything else and nothing has taken away the pain in my head and the excrutiating pain in my joints. Let me just add that I had been nauseous the whole day, probably after the bacon,egg and cheese, I had for breakfast.

D4 gets home from babysitting, Hubby picks D3 up from her play that she is in, D3 goes to get into the shower and I am laying on the couch, sick, sick ,sick. Hubby goes to bed and D4 is laying on the other couch. All of a sudden we hear this thump and we look over and my precious poopsie Clover is having another seizure. This has been going on for awhile and she had an appointment for a liver sonogram on Friday anyway. But i jump up off the couch and go to hold her which is what I always do when she has a seizure.

Well as soon as I move, I feel it. Total barforama coming. I move to my dog but I cant hold my head up for fear that the vomit is coming.D4 is holding her dog and petting her and saying its ok honey and I am laying with my head on the floor ready to blow. I scream upstairs D3 get out of the bathroom. She comes out wrapped in a towel, about to get into the shower and sees the scene and freaks out. D3 is not the person you want standing by in a crisis.

I run for the bathroom, knowing I have about 4 seconds to lift off and the bathroom is about 5 seconds away.

Side note... i hate to throw up and I havent thrown up in years. Actually not true I threw up a few weeks ago but before that... a long time. I threw up so much when I was pregnant with D1 and D3 that there may be no more vomit left in my body. Literally everyday, all day long, the whole nine months. I know I know and then I still had kids after them but they were perfect babies. Opposite with D2 and D4, good pregnancies, bad babies.

So I am sadly puking up all my cookies, haha, pun intended and my big gulp and I am thinking that what if I could never eat that stuff again. Once when I was pregnant with D3 I threw up a yoohoo and an everything bagel and have not eaten either one since.

you'll be happy to know I think I am ok, I havent tried it yet but it doesnt seem repulsive to me, like everything bagels and yoohoo.

anyway... on my way to throw up I say to freaking out D3, wake up daddy, tell him I am throwing up and Clover is having a seizure. So he gets up to help the dog, I mean seriously he has spent enough times holding my hair back and getting puked on. Back in the day like D3 and her boyfriend are in now where everything is lovey, kissy, even puke. Now, no he would rather take care of clover.

So I am laying on the bathroom floor which PS I have not cleaned in far too long and notice that as I am laying there. D3 is sitting outside the bathroom saying Mom are you ok. And I am screaming Stop dont listen to me throw up.

It was quite a scene. Clover's seizure ended, I only threw up twice and D3 finally calmed down. D4 cuddled with her poopsie girl and then we all went to bed.

Just another evening on the homefront.

Sort of like another time when D4 was having a seizure and D1 was throwing up. I think I already told that story, about D4 standing on a wheelie chair, if not I will tell it another time.

Babies are hard but man teenagers are way harder. Who knew when you were carefully breastfeeding them that later on they would eat doritos and gummi worms? Who knew when you taught them to share and play nice they would do that with boys, teenage boys who think teenage boy things and you would spend the next years sneaking up on them undercover to make sure nothing funny was going on? All the years you taught them to have manners, who knew that one summer when you worked and didnt pay attention, they would instantly go back to eating with their hands, burping loudly, and talking with food in their mouth?

It all goes bad. I have an idea of how the world should work perfectly and i will share that with you next time but for now its a birthday weekend and we are celebrating now that the curse of D1 has been lifted.

Party on Dude.

Footprints in the sand? Not me Jesus I walk alone

2009-03-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This used to be one of my favorite poems. For a little jewish girl from the middle of Long Island for some reason I thought this was such a powerful thought.

It was then that I carried you. Wow.

As an adult it isnt often we feel the support of something like this. I carried you.

Think about the last time you were carried. Most likely by your parents or even maybe by your spouse or boyfriend you know before you gained like 40 lbs.

Being carried means that you are unable to move on alone. You need the help of someone. Someone strong, someone who loves you more than life. Someone who struggles for you so you dont have to.

D3's boyfriend carried her up the stairs recently. It was adorable. He is strong and totally in love with her and she was tired and cranky and he carried her.

Hubby used to carry me. Well before I weighed !@##$ and the safe feeling of being carried was taken over by my fear of him having a heart attack or even worse, dropping me.

I am beating around a very large bush, the burning bush? maybe.

In any case, I have always thought this poem meant something. At different points in my life I have seriously believed in God and other times when I just sensed the presence of a higher power and felt comfortable in that. There have been very few times when I totally shunned the presence of some sort of God. But that time is now.

There cannot be a God that allows criminals to win while law abiding citizens lose.

I dont know how much of this story I have told but I will be brief because the excrutiating details are too hard to go into.

We opened a girls sporting goods store. From scratch. We rented a store in a busy shopping center, we ordered all the inventory, we bought all the racks and shelves and the cash register. We did it all. The store was successful but after a short time the tragedies in my family overtook my enthusiasm for the store and I just couldnt keep dividing my time between running the store and taking care of the people that needed me.

We were going out of business when a con man who we sort of knew came in and offered us money for the store. He played us when we were in the middle of such tremendous grief that we werent paying attention. He stole everything we had and planned to take advantage of us in such a way that it would make you sick if I outlined the exact way in which he did this. His name is Michael Gongas and if you ever come across him, run for your life. He is a professional con man who stole Sportsjust4girls from me and now he has gotten away with it.

We have been sueing him for the money he never paid for the store since 2005. I have paid my lawyer over 8000 dollars and owe him 18000 more. The judge ruled against us because in my deposition I said I handed him the inventory list and in my affadavit I said I left it on the counter. And he says that he never got the inventory list and that there was no inventory.

Blah Blah Blah the story is endless. the pain is eternal. The dissapointment almost debillitating.

I just have this unending feeling of unfairness. Of course you are hearing my side and of course he has a side. His side comes from being a con artist though. He has the store in his possession, always has since 2005. He used my credit card to buy socks, 800 dollars worth of socks. He ran up the electric bill and other bills and left them in my name.

and he never paid us for the store. and the judge thought the whole case hinged on the fact that I said one thing 3 years ago and I said another a few months ago.

Motion for Summary Judgement:DENIED

He stole a whole store. He entered into a contract to purchase a business from me and never paid for it. and the judge looked at hundreds of papers of information and thought the whole point rested on the fact that I said two different things.

and that is what is wrong with this country. the whole legal system completely protects the criminals. How else can you explain this? How can there be a legal system that looks at the fact that he still owns the store, runs it everyday and makes money.

I always have wanted to believe in a GOD. I tried when all the terrible things in my life were replaced with more terrible things. I had moments when I thought I understood that things happen for a reason. I know I was never destined to have money, but that doesnt have anything to do with being taken advantage of. With someone stealing from you. Your lifes savings and then some. The loss has cost me over 200,000 dollars. It will be with me until the day I die.

Where is the justice in this? Why are criminals protected? Mike Gongas has hundreds of thousands of dollars in judgements against him from other people he has conned and the law protects him. He has a wife and daughter and son who watch him be a dirtbag and look the other way. He has assaulted people on at least 3 occassions that I know of.

where is god in all this? Where does he hide? Why does light shine on Mike Gongas, a man who makes Satan look like Mrs. Cleaver. Mike Gongas weighs over 300 lbs. Is Jesus carrying him?

It was then that I carried you. Fuck you Jesus. Seriously. this is one time too many you have fucked with me and my family. and there is no doubt in my mind that if you do exist it is only to completely screw up what is left of this disgusting excuse for a world in which we live in.

I dont need you to carry me into the gates of hell with you. I need you to step aside.

I walk alone... and I always will.

Dreams, Signs and Psychic Ability

2009-02-24T08:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, so first of all let me say the Y on my keyboard is sticking so when I start typing too fast to notice and there are missing Y's please forgive me. I will do my best to notice but... well you know.

So let me say that if you dont know me this whole blog is going to sound crazier than it would if you did know me. Maybe not and I am officially now not making any sense so let me just begin.

I believe in Ghosts. I believe in Dreams. I believe in Signs. And I believe that everything does happen for a reason, even if we never know the reason.

I believe in a bunch of other weird things and yes I am aware that most people are secretly thinking that I am a nut job, others not so secretly like my family.

D3 mentioned yesterday that there may be toxic fumes leaking into the basement that I work in and that is what is responsible for the craziness and yes that does include you Ellen. It may have come after I told her the breastfeeding conversation of yesterday. hahahaha

Ok so to the point... yes I am getting there, slowly I know but you know me I have to build it up.

A few weeks ago someone I work with had excruciating back pain one day and the next day I had it. No big deal right. I frequently have trouble with sciatica and it always acts up when I get cramps so no big deal.

Next a few days later I wake up out of the blue with a pain in my left knee. D4 has been on crutches since january with an injured left knee. I swear I thought I had taken her pain away, but hers was still there. the pain in my left knee has come and gone but hers is now gone. hmmm see what is happening here.

D3 had serious pain in her neck and left arm. This is similar to the pain I had before my surgery. The only thing that could relieve it was pulling her arm. I had the same thing but since my surgery, all over. Well I did move some doors around in my house so I did have a reason, but the pain in my neck was so bad the other night I thought I would throw up. Gone now.

So meanwhile, my little doggie has been sick and has a liver issue. Yeah well a few days ago I wake up and the whites of my eyes are yellow. D3 and D4 confirmed this so I am not making this up. Both of them said seperately What are you having sympathy pains for Clover now?

So I seem to be having sympathy pains for people who are hurting in my life. What does this mean? Have I become some sort of modern day Jesus? Am I actually taken their pain away or am I just feeling their pain so I can easily understand what they are going through?

One time after my brother in law died I woke up and felt what my sister in law felt when she woke up everyday. It was an overwhelming feeling of sadness that I could never describe to anyone unless they have gone through it.

there was a movie called powder that I think I may have mentioned before that shows how this weird kid powder held on to a dying deer and held onto to the hunter that shot him so the shooter could feel what the deer felt. Scared, lonely. It made a huge impact on me.

I dont know what I am supposed to do with this new found superpower. Is it my chance to help people? Is it to make me more sympathetic towards peoples pain because I feel like I already am pretty sympathetic. I constantly reevaluate my life and look at the signs. Sometimes though we get so caught up in our day to day life that we miss them.

D3 is always running late in the morning. And just when I think she is finally ready, she says I have to brush my teeth. No matter what she always leaves this to the last minute and it drives me nuts.

Except on more than one occasion we have missed an accident by just the amount of time it took her to brush her teeth while I was outside in the car freaking out.

Like today... I was waiting in the car and then I pulled out into the street and i was fairly calm for me anyway.

We drive to school and just a block away from school, not far from where D1 got in a car accident last year, are two of D3's friends on the side of the road, cars smashed, accident just happened.

It couldnt have happened more than 3-4 minutes before, just the amount of time it took to brush her teeth.

so maybe part of this lesson is dont freak out when you miss the bus, or the T, or the metro. Or miss a class all together. Or there is someone in front of you that is driving really slow and you want to take out your invisible gun and shoot them. Maybe there is a reason. Maybe you are always where you are supposed to be. Maybe when you run back in the house to get your bag that you forgot and you think Hot Dang i am going to be late, maybe you are being saved from something that you didnt even know.

there is a movie I think called sliding doors where I think it was Gwenyth Paltrow, misses the train as the doors close on her. Then the whole movie shows how different her life is just by the one moment. It goes back and forth from what happened if she made the train to what happened when she missed it. Do you meet the love of your life on the next train or do you make the train and get home in time to catch your spouse cheating on you?

You can go crazy thinking of the what ifs but really is it all completely out of our control? I dont believe that your whole life is already mapped out. I do believe we have control over choices we make and that is why we need to learn from every single situation we are in. We need to take something away from each experience even if its Crap, i never want to do that again.

We need to constantly look at the direction that we are heading and say is this what I want for myself?

I have reinvented myself many times when I wasnt happy with where I stood. I wanted a happy marriage and everyday I work to make that come true. Hubby and I are more in love today than we were 24 years ago, wow almost 25 this summer. but everyday we do special things for each other and respect each other. and when we get busy and a little off the track I show up at his office and whisk him away for a few hours so he can vent and I can listen and we are just enjoying each others company.

I loved being a stay at home mom. I wish i could still do it. And I love my job mostly because I love my bosses, they are totally cool, extremely generous and give me the flexibility I need to take care of myself and my family. But I always wanted to go to college so now I am doing that and maybe someday I will change careers, a long time from now when I graduate in like 4 years or maybe I will be mailing out bears with a masters degree in genetics. whatever.

My point is that it is not certain what your life is. It is not set in stone. One mistake today does not change your life permanently. It constantly changes. You constantly have the chance to look and say hey this isnt what i wanted for myself.

So I dreamed last night I ran away with Kid Rock. And D1 dreamt Hubby lost his job. and D3 dreamed that D2 was missing in Spain.

I know these arent true signs. I know these are metaphors for things. I know that recently I have wished that Hubby and I were 16 again and gazing lovingly into each others eyes instead of figuring out how we are gonna pay the american express bill.

Kid Rock is the way out of all my responsibility.

And hubby has been stressed out at work. D1 is sensing his aggravation at work and his disgust with alot of what is going on there.

and D3 is always worried about everyone because her life has always been making sure others are happy. From the time she was 5 weeks old and hubby was diagnosed with cancer, she would come to sloan kettering with us and just talk and giggle and for a time those cancer stricken people could just be warmed by her joy.

These are signs of something, but not literal.

D1 has psychic ability. Many people have told her that. She has always fought it but now she is channeling it a little and learning its uses.

Can you sense that we are winning the lottery please D1???

London Broil and Rice instead of blogging

2009-02-22T18:15:00.003-05:00

oh darn, i wanted to blog but my family is hungry. seriously i am the only person capable of throwing a steak in the oven. did i not just cook a beautiful breakfast of eggs, bacon and sausage. did i not just make homeade popcorn with melted butter for a snack. have i not spent the day paying bills with invisible money and dealing with all the correspondance on the earth.

holy crap,,, a moms work is never done...

i hope to be back soon but this is what i have to do this week... 4 chapters of chemistry, large quantities of cheyenne, a paper on one of the memoirs i read, and draw a picture from the pictures D3 and boyfriend took at montauk.

humph... i am sorry dear readers i will return shortly.

How do you say Shut the !@#$% Up in Cheyenne?

2009-02-05T08:18:00.004-05:00

The Cheyenne don't have a word for Shut the !@#$ up. Instead they curse you with real live curses, like may all your hair fall out except for one and let it turn gray and get lice.

Like that...

OK... I am new to the college world but how quickly it all falls into place, the same kids in high school who loved to hear themselves talk are back but in college form. And with some sort of cocky attitude that makes you want to scream... you stupid loser. go back to high school.no one wanted to hear you then and just because you grew a mustache and carry a briefcase no one wants to hear you now either.

Now I am sure you college students know exactly what I am talking about but I am still going to give you a few examples....

Let me give you a little background first... The college I go to is an adult college. It is part of the SUNY system and they have tried to convince us that is along the same lines of Stony Brook University but I am thinking definitely more Suffolk Community, where they let anyone in.

The format is that you register for classes with your mentor and you set up meetings with your professors, who all teach at Stony Brook, and you get the work, do it at home, bring it back and meet with your professor, bask in the glory of your success and then get more. It goes on like this until you complete all the work and get an A in the class. Okay so this has been my experience so far except in General Biology where I totally sucked but because he graded my tests on the Stony Brook curve I still got a B+. Disappointing for a 6 credit class but really what can I do.

The format for Cheyenne Culture and Language is different. There is a study group that meets Tuesday from 6-8, Wednesday from 6-8 and Thursdays from 10-12am. You pick one study group, you go to class, you do work at home, you meet with Professor Eagle feathers and you hopefully get an A. There is a ton of work, reading, studying the language and lots of papers including a 15 page research paper. Lucky for me I have diarrhea of the mouth and could go on for 15 pages about a hangnail.

So I went to the first meeting 2 weeks ago and as usual there are at least 3 people in the class who cant shut up. Even after Professor Eagle feathers wife, who is not Cheyenne, explains that if you interrupt Prof. EF he will just stop talking because he feels if you interrupt him, obviously what he is talking about is not important. Basically I think her point was let him talk and ask questions later.

But NOOOOO... the first meeting was bad. One woman stopping him every 2 minutes to spell things. How do you spell that? Is that going to be on the test?

There are no tests, this class is about knowledge, language, research, awareness. You don't need to write everything down.

Wait how do you spell that???

Oh my god. Shut up.

So then Cliff and Kd, the professor and his wife are showing slides and they show the treaty of how we stole Manhattan for 26 dollars and what the Indians got in return. They got like a 5 foot piece of rope, a metal spike, I mean it was just ridiculous what we did. Really though they don't believe land can be bought and sold or owned so maybe they thought they got one over on us.

In any case, listed was 2 gallons of rum as one of the things the Indians got in exchange for Manhattan.

And this woman says, well at least you got 2 gallons of rum out of it. And they politely ignore her and she says, don't say we never gave you nothing you got 2 bottles of rum. And KD looks her straight in the face and says yeah and that was poison to the Indians and caused alcholism in the tribe.

And you think that would shut her up but she continues and says... oh do you think they did that on purpose, bringing rum so you people would be drunk and become alcholics?

Yeah exactly... shut the !@#$ up!

So it snowed really hard on Tuesday and I had to go to Wednesdays class or risk driving in the blizzard. So I go in and I don't see the two women from the Tuesday class and I am so happy. I think hey maybe I can switch to Wednesday and peacefully listen to this amazing man speak.

He is riveting. He speaks so softly and has amazing stories to tell, yet instead of listening to him these are the kinds of things that went on last night...

Black guy in the corner: Every time anyone asked a question before Prof. EF could talk he would say well from what I read in the text.... blah blah blah... and continue talking for way too long.

This went on all night.

Prof. EF would not say a word. Just move on.

Literally I cannot even begin to explain this....Someone would ask a question like are white people allowed at these ceremonies? and he said yes they are always welcome but maybe not to participate. they can certainly watch though.

So 5 minutes later, someone else is like... if a Cheyenne woman marries a white man can he go to the ceremonies,

Yes all people are welcome onto the reservation and the ceremonies..

Oh you mean you people aren't hiding your ceremonies from us like the masons. Are you performing secret ceremonies that white men cant see.

No all white people and all people are welcome to the ceremonies.

5 minutes later... well if a Cheyenne man marries a white woman with kids from another marriage can they come to the ceremonies.

Yes all people are welcome, we encourage you to come, anyone is welcome.

well would Michael Jackson be welcome because he used to black but now he is white, so like would he be allowed at the ceremonies.

OK i made that last one up but seriously it went on and on.

And politely every time he just answered these stupid idiots.

All through the class, Prof EF would be speaking and someone would say oh that is just like the ...pick a race, religion... catholics, they do that.... or oh are you like the Amish how you shun people if they choose to leave the reservation and make a life elsewhere.

no we are not like the Amish... or the catholics....or the masons... or the Mormons... no kidding all of these were asked last night.

Black guy in the corner wanted to talk all night and tell us all about his life as a worker for the government, how tough life is for a black man, just like the Indians had hard times so did he.

By the end of the class, no joke everyone was actively rolling their eyes every time he opened his mouth.

So Prof. EF tells us as we are packing up our stuff that the reservation is like a third world country. The medical care is bad, poverty and alcholism are rampant. He was talking about how sad it was and how hard life was there.

And this woman who had been fairly quiet compared I guess to black guy in the corner.

Oh my god... i am in McDonald's and some guy just walked by and loudly said to his friend... yeah get me coffee I have to take a wiz. for real. not making this stuff up.

OK so this woman says... you don't have to stay on the reservation, no one is making you stay there, every group in this country has been oppressed, but like the Mexicans they come here and work really hard and send the money back to their country, you people could do that. Why don't you just leave the reservation, go out and get an education and then get a good job and send the money back there.

An out of her office, next door, Prof. EF wife storms in and says, no one in this room knows what oppression is. No one unless you are a family member of a holocaust survivor knows what genocide does to your abilities to rise above. Prejudice and Oppression changes you from generation to generation and stops you in your tracks.

She was so mad and going on and on and freaking out.

Until black man in corner says... yeah like how I have to work twice as hard at my job as anyone to get less pay.

And this woman next to me is like...yeah right... you people get everything... i am a white married mother of 4 and i don't get anything like you people get. I struggle everyday too.

and he ignores her and keeps saying.. the color of my skin precedes me anytime I go anywhere, i am immediately judged and people are afraid of me and she is like... yeah yeah you people get so many breaks and i have to suffer.

It was freakin ugly.

And both of them would not stop and the class was already past 2 hours long and I wanted to scream at both of them...this is not what we are here for.

Apparently.. this is a common belief about the Indians that they are just lazy. Why cant they get out and get a job? They have all the opportunities,why aren't they taking it?

When you hear Prof EF speak you will know why. Everything about the Indians is in direct contrast to the American way of living.

They want to preserve the Earth and only take what they need to survive.

If they kill a buffalo for food there is not one part of the buffalo that goes to waste. Not one stitch. It is used for food, and clothing and tools and weapons.

They don't believe you are a better person if you have more stuff.

They live simply.

Someone asked what would happen if someone who was made Chief wasn't good at it, was he fired.

The answer... no you can never be fired from being a chief.

Well, what if no one wanted to listen to him what happens then?

they don't.

Well if they just don't do what he says what happens then?

They just disrespect him and that makes him feel bad and usually he steps down because to be disrespected is worse than anything else.

The class is so interesting and so amazing but really I am embarrassed to be sitting in this class of white people and black people and Hispanic people and sit among them like I am one of them.

I am not.

My kids will say that i say offensive things all the time. And I do. I make fun of everyone and everything with stereotypes and just plain awful jokes.

But in my heart where it counts, I truly believe that every person should have the true right of freedom.

Freedom to practice whatever they believe in. Be a vegetarian or don't. Go to church or don't. Believe in God or don't.

As long as there is no hurting of other people, you should be allowed to participate in any activity that you want to.

As Americans we thing everyone wants to be just like us. We cannot understand why when we offered the Indians Smoke shops and casinos they didn't take the offer.

they don't want to have money to buy "things". they don't want fancy cars and homes and jewelry.

They have something worth so much more. They have a spirit that keeps them alive. They have beliefs that carry them through suffering and grief. They have their connection to the past that is passed down from one generation to another. They are rich beyond measure in ways we could never understand.

And if we could just shut the !@#$ up maybe just maybe we could learn something.

Thank you Maria

2009-02-03T18:03:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Maria you can now see the videos and be prepared for video blowout because now that I have the power I will never stop.

evil laugh (hahahahahahahahahaha)

PS school was not cancelled and i almost had to go but the roads are really bad so i made an executive decision to go tomorrow instead.

hahhahahahaha

no not funny

Russian Roulette or should I say Cheyenne Roulette

2009-02-03T08:29:00.010-05:00

Cheyenne homework or blog.... Cheyenne homework or blog... that is the question on everyones mind these days isnt it?

Well... here is my thought process... I am going to include a little bit of Cheyenne Culture or language in my blog and I am taking the chance that the weather men are right and it will be snowing way too hard for me to go to school tonight.

Yes it is quite a risk since the weather men are historically wrong..

I mean there is a 30% chance it may be snowing right now.

So how about a little blog or should I say... Tseske'e blog....its pronounced jesh kih eh and it means a little. Actually it rhymes with brisket and since I am all about food that is one of the phrases I remember. There are about 20 phrases I was supposed to memorize and be able to speak to my professor tonight and here is what I have discovered...

anyone in their 40's should never attempt to learn a new language because it is totally impossible to do.

Learning a new language accesses a side of the brain that burned out long ago to be replaced with who likes mayo on their turkey sandwich and who will never eat chopped meat no matter how you disguise it.

In the spot where I could have stored Na-tsehese-nestse-tano I want to speak the Cheyenne language pronounced Nah tisenst te dun... is replaced with who is allergic to penicillin and who likes beans in their taco dip....does hubby eat taco dip.. we are not sure because I left some out for him last night and he didnt eat it.

I digress... often I know...but that is what is in there. No room left for Nancy na heseve he. My name is Nancy.

I have been reading a lot of history about the Indians and I learned something very interesting. They do not want to assimilate with us at all. they are not trying to be like us although as Americans we cannot understand why everyone wouldnt want to be just like us.

The Indians believe in the Mother Earth. They believe she is alive and they believe that is has been easy for the white men to rape the Earth of all its resources because of the nature of her being woman.

They think they will still be here long after we have burned ourselves up with our stupid technology and I have to say I think I may agree.

In the past ten years I personally have seen such a shift in the world based on technology. You have to understand this is coming from someone who grew up before VCR's which are already obsolete and before all the music you own could fit in a little tiny box not crates and crates of vinyl albums that could scratch and melt.

Information is received in an instant. Can a penis really be fractured? Google it. by the way it really can and I dont reccommend you googling it unless you want to see some scary pictures of smurf penises.

Who is that eccentric guy who wore surgical gloves? Yeah you can google that and come up with Howard Hughes. It is incredible.

There is no need to memorize Cheyenne or anything else because you can access it on your blackberry at any moment.

So are the Indians right? Are they just waiting until Obama gets an email on his blackberry that says something like

and then he replies back...

and before you know it the president of iran is leaving this on obamas facebook...

and obama is all Oh no you didnt... and he skypes him and sings him this song

so you see how technology is going to ruin the world and the Indians will be left with their Earth a little worse for the wear but still intact?

And where will we be... gone...long gone.

and no one will care then if I spent all morning writing a stupid blog or studying Cheyenne.

Maybe if i had paid attention more I could have done the Indian snow dance to assure I wouldnt have class tonight.

Hmm... maybe there is a reason to pay attention...

Ha'Ho for reading. (thanks)

from Ve-ho a e (white woman)

Random moments in Manhattan

2009-01-20T09:08:00.004-05:00

We love going into the City, yeah that is what we cool, hip New Yorkers call it, the City. No need to explain what city,there is no other, just the City.

Any time we have the opportunity to go in, we do and try to see a show or whatever. I love to be there and hope to retire there someday. Like when someone drops 4 million dollars in my lap so I can buy the brownstone I want near my favorite place, Milk and Cookies.

Or the cardboard box I have subletted in Alphabet city. My tenant the Homeless guy with the dog said I can have it back anytime I need as long as I call first so he can go back to his estate in West Palm Beach.

So everytime we go in there is always a story of some sort and some of them are kind of funny.

I think I may have told some of them already, but you know the Mad Cow... I am sorry if this is repetitive....

Walking from Grand Central Station to our hotel on Thanksgiving weekend, people are honking at each other as we walk down the street, D3 turns around and says, Hey do I have a sign on my back that says Honk If I'm Pretty. funny kid huh?

D1 and I go in for something, maybe when we went to see Wicked before she left for college or maybe a doctors appointment, not sure which, we are on the subway heading somewhere where we arent sure where to get off when we get to a stop and D1 says I think this is it... I am not sure... wait let me check she says and before I can stop her she jumps off the subway, I hesitate for just a second and the door closes and she is on the platform and I am on the train and I am laughing and freaking out at the same time.

The train pulls away and I get off at the next stop but cell phones dont work in the subway so I have to leave the station to call, I dont know should i go back, should i wait for her there, will she know to get on the next car or will it even be going this way. Surprisingly I was not as panicked as I should have been but she did get on the next subway, and in the millions of people getting on and off the subway she saw my ridiculous curly hair and we met up laughing the whole way. Thank god this was only like 2 years ago and not when she was 6.

Not funny story, we go into the city for the Parade, yeah we call the Thanksgiving Parade, the parade because there is no other. So we go in and we are heading toward the hotel and there are a million people and we have 4 kids and at least 4 bags because we are staying over. We buy metrocards to get through the subway... we start going through and D3 pushes the bar but doesnt go through so now we cant use the metrocard again and we are stuck in a million people and we cant get the bags through the turnstile and Hubby decides to push D3 through with him.. Needless to say there is no cop around when we needed help with the four kids, bags, crazy new yorkers pushing... but as soon as they committed a CRIME....they swarmed. So they pull him over like a criminal and here is the catch... He doesnt have a wallet because he had lost it the week before picking D1 up at a conference in DC. So he has no ID and the cops are not happy and we are standing there among the millions of tourists like criminals with the cops trying to explain and they are being cop assholes and I walk over to show my ID and start to reach into my pocketbook and you know this is not long after September 11th and I do look a lot like a terrorist so they scream in my face, step back and take your hand out of your bag. And I am like, no no no I am trying to....Mam, step back this is not your concern... um wait did you just call me mam because those are fighting words... call me princess... so in any case, they actually held him there and humiliated him, the girls were crying, and they wrote him a ticket for fare jumping and i dont know walking around without ID. It almost killed the day.. but lucky for us I am so on when these things happen and my stream of anti cop, pig jokes lasted for days.

Another time we were in for the parade and we decided to go see Rent, the movie. We go to Starbucks and get coffee and cookies and since Hubby NEVER checks to see if things are made with nuts although he frequently has to go to the hospital when he eats them...he eats a cookie that apparently had nuts. So we head to the movies and his throat is closing up and he says I will be right back after we are seated in the movies. what? where the heck are you going? just down to the rite aid for benedryl.. I know why dont I carry it with me since he or D4 is forever sneezing or having their throat close up.

So he leaves and comes back eventually and says he is feeling a little better. Then he falls fast asleep in the movie, the result of taking mass doses of benedryl. At the end of the movie I wake him up but I cant really fully wake him and he is walking with his eyes closed. here is the problem.... I have no idea where we are, it is 2 in the morning and it is snowing. I am asking him Hubby, where do we go to get back to the hotel and he is in a stupor, barely walking, dragging himself down the street. I am sure that is when we first learned of D4's mad direction skills and I think at 9 years old she got us back to the hotel.

One day we were accidentally in the city on the day of the St. Patricks Day parade. It was the 16th of March not the 17th but apparently if the 17th is on a Sunday, it is too holy a day to drink until you fall down so you celebrate the day before. We went in to see Les Miserables just me and hubby. We took the train and no joke people were so drunk at 11am they couldnt walk. People were so drunk they were sitting on the steps to the library to watch the parade. yeah the parade doesnt even go that way... we laughed pretty hard about that one.. anyway... we get out of the show and we walk down 8th Ave to get back to Penn Station. dont ever do that, by the way. And people are asking us if we want crack and we are politely refusing... no thanks I say often until hubby is looking at me like just be quiet and ignore them but of course that would be rude... so no thank you i would not like to buy half a kilo of cocaine but thanks for asking... so we get home and on the news is breaking news story... shooting at the Academy bar on 8th ave.... um what... Yeah we apparently walked right by while the shooting of the Black 47 guitarist was taking place. Oh St. Patricks Day in the city... we never did that again.

Unfortunately I have to go now and I have some more stories about the city, like when D4 got us seats on the subway by sneezing and coughing on all the people or the best alien birthday D2 ever had at Mars... I will be back to blog about this stuff probably tomorrow when I should be listening to my audio files from my cheyenne class.

Tata for now. yeah that is what we cool new yorkers say when we leave. Tata...

Blogging Rampage

2009-01-19T00:14:00.004-05:00

Yeah I am on a blogging rampage because I start school Tuesday and I will be blogging for procrastination instead of just for fun and games.

so that is why i have been excessively blogging over the last few days.

it will all come to a crashing hault.

soon.

PS I hate you

2009-01-18T23:30:00.004-05:00

OK so last night D3 and D4 and D3's boyfriend and I decided to watch a movie. Our choices were Crash, The Wedding Singer and PS I love you. I know, I know you are thinking wow what quality choices.

So Crash is rated R and I couldnt remember exactly why so I thought maybe we shouldnt find out and really we have seen the Wedding Singer about a billion times so since PS I love you wasnt even open yet and D3's boyfriend had never seen it either we opted for that one.

The movie starts out with Hilary Swank, whom I do not really care for, married to this adorable Irish Guy with a really cute accent.

I am about to ruin the movie so if you didnt see it and want to, and I wouldnt recommend that, stop reading now. Step away from the computer.

So you get really attached to this adorable irish guy in a short time and poof, he is dead. Of a brain tumor. I dont think I have gone into too much detail about this but I was diagnosed with a brain tumor about 2 years ago and I am supposed to be having it looked at every 6 months and yeah well I got busy so its been over a year and lets say it doesnt make me happy or entertain me at all to watch someone dead of a brain tumor.

So over the next year the dead husband sends letters to her from the grave with instructions on how to live her life and ...

ok to be completely honest, me, D4 and D3's boyfriend all fell asleep watching this movie. Only D3 liked it and we took turns whispering loudly, this movie sucks and this is so boring through our sleeping stupor. I realize that it is hard for anyone to accept the opinion of someone who has slept through a majority of the movie but honestly, if the movie had not sucked so bad I wouldnt have even been sleeping through it.

The movie went on way too long and in between my sleeping on and off and pretending I wasnt I realized it was devastating. The idea that you can lose someone so quickly to a terrible illness and then for the next year he contacts you from the dead and guides you on your way through grief and moving on. In the end she meets someone new, Denny from Grays Anatomy and apparently will be hooking up with him after she realized that she does not like Harry Connick Jr who is a weird freak in this movie. It seems like this is what her husband had planned for her.

So it was boring, too long, and seriously devastating. The kids warned me not to watch it like I was a little kid avoiding a terrifying clown scene.

Mom really dont watch it D4 said. You are gonna cry.

No I wont.

Yeah mom this is sadder than the Notebook.

Oh god, nothing can be sadder than the notebook. Nothing, not ever, not no how.
Except maybe Old Yeller.

Yeah mom this is.

I dont really think it was, it could have been but it was so stupid that the sadness of it dissapeared in my complete lack of caring about anything except when the brownies would be done.

I explained the movie to Hubby and he said why you wouldnt want me to do that for you if I knew I was dying?

Of course I would I said. But dont go dying on me anytime soon because you know... not enough life insurance really.

Yeah I am not going anywhere he says.

Lets hope not because I wouldnt even have enough money to live in a cardboard box in Alphabet City.

and the reason I am going to hell is this...

all i could think of doing if i knew i was dying was getting revenge. i would spend the last days of my life writing letters all right but to all the people who have wronged me.

I would make sure that every person who ever pissed me off received a letter from me after I died with every detail of how they made my life miserable. I would say things like... and now everytime something goes wrong in your world know that it is me controlling it from the grave. On every bad day know that I am up in heaven or in purgatory, whatever moving your keys, letting air out of your tires and using your toothbrush to clean the toilets.

Yeah that is what pushes me over the edge from general lunatic to completer maniac. That is what solidifies my place in hell and prevents me from winning the lottery.

Instead of spending my last days with my loved ones I would spend my last days reliving my revenge against old boyfriends, old friends and you know maybe some family in there.

I would create an elaborate plan alright but it would all be for evil.

that is just the kind of girl I am.

My cupboard is pink with polka dots

2009-01-18T08:57:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAIpRRZvnJg

check this out and comment if you want.

A final moment for goodbye

2009-01-18T08:07:00.003-05:00

On Thursday afternoon we had just arrived for D4's MRI when we saw the news of the plane crash into the Hudson River in New York. It was terrifying at first because anytime you see a plane crash in NY you think... terrorism.

When they first said it was a flock of geese, I was skeptical. New Yorkers have a tendency to make crap up to cover up the fact that terrorists sent that plane into the Hudson. But as time went on it seemed like a possibility that terrorists could have trained the geese to fly into the plane. Ok maybe not but the geese thing is even more terrifying than terrorists because how the hell can you avoid a flock of geese(or a flock of seagulls)for that matter. Unless you move out of the 80's, which of course, blue mascara and all I am not ready to.

I digress.

The point is... you are taking off from NY and the pilot says, Brace yourself for a rough landing. People on board said when they saw the stewardess panic, so did they. They interviewed people who said they prayed and people who were just giddy to be alive. As always New Yorkers rose to the occasion and there were many cases of bravery and selflessness.

What do you think about in that moment that you are taking off on a plane from NY and you know you are crashing? What goes through your head as you think this may be the last moment I have on Earth?

I know what you dont think about. You dont think, well I am so glad I didnt have that piece of cake last week because now I will die with thinner hips.

You dont think, thank god I spent 12 hours cleaning my house instead of cuddling with my kids because now I will die with a clean house.

You dont think wow, thank goodness I spent 80 hours at work this week because I will die knowing those papers were filed correctly.

You think of regrets, of time lost and people you wish you had another moment with. You yearn for one more minute to say what never got said and hold your loved ones one more time.

As a mother I cannot imagine that feeling of knowing I would never see my kids again and they would never see me. I cant imagine the pain you feel knowing you are leaving before you get the chance to see them grow up and get married and have kids of their own.

And leaving your spouse alone to handle it all without you. Knowing he has vowed to never love another woman as long as he is alive.

Knowing that your parents will have to bury their child. No parent should ever have to see that.

I felt sick when I saw that plane crash. I felt like I was on that plane. I saw the fear in the faces of those people getting off and I wanted to hug them.

Yet somehow, they all lived. They all got off that plane OK. How does that happen? And why? Were those people just given a second chance? Is this a wakeup call for those 155 survivors of a NYC plane crash?

And will they see the sign? And will they change anything?

Will you when your wakeup call, your second chance comes your way?

Will you?

A fictional short story

2009-01-16T08:58:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you find things out that you dont want to. Sometimes information is left for you or falls into your hands and your whole world is turned upside down. Maybe you are overreacting to the information. Maybe you found out the information casually but now reacted so poorly you feel the need to respond. And that is why you have a blog.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl who was born in a far off land. People were slow there but she shined like a light, with a gorgeous tint of blue. She came into a family that loved her more than the sun and worshipped the ground she walked on. Everything they did, was for her and her sister. The Royal Prince and Princess worked hard in those days as they do now. They often sacrificed basic necessities such as food and clothing so those little princesses could have everything they ever wanted. And not just toys and sparkly crowns. NO those princesses were loved like no others with parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles who thought they were the two most special princesses in the world.

Circumstances took them away from the slow place far far away and returned them to their homeland where even more people got to shower the girls with love and toys and time. But something went terribly wrong. One of the princesses didnt think she was getting enough. She thought she should have more.

And when the mom and dad added two new princesses to the royal family, they knew they had more than enough love to share but that one princess started to feel like there werent enough crowns to go around.

As the pains of teenagerhood approached the kingdom, ogres and trolls and demons stoned on wild berries circled the castle and longed to take our princess away. We tried hard to save her from the perils of lying down with dogs. We said things like you are too SMART to be failing your princess tests and rejecting your upbringing. We said you are too SMART to throw it away on people who dont deserve your friendship, people who will hurt you and keep you from becoming the princess you are destined to be. We took some of these trolls into our home, invited them to our royal gatherings, fed them from our table, included them in our trips to far off lands. But as trolls always do, they rejected the beauty of our world for the darkness of theirs. They said things like your parents dont really love you or they would let you do this or that. They said those fuckin rents, they think you are dumb, they dont want you to have any fun because they are square. Come along with us into the clean clean jungle and lets get stoned and poison our body with berries and hate and defiance. And they put marks on her body and returned her late to the castle and came into our home and insulted all the princessed who lived there.

The Royal Prince and Princess were out of their minds with worry. Their beautiful, smart, princess that they loved and cared for and cherished had fallen into the hands of the wicked people of the world. She lied. She cheated. She stole. But mostly she lost herself. She lost the amazing, funny, smart, person that she was meant to be. She rejected love. She rejected family. She rejected princess sisters.

And so the story goes that the Royal Princess was broken hearted. All her life she had longed for the love and affection from her little princesses. Sadly the Royal Princess had no sisters and yearned everyday for the comraderie that being around strong beautiful smart women brings. She tried everything. She chained the wayward princess to her bed. She bought her new crowns and new gowns to make her see how much she was loved. She said she was sorry for the way bad things had happened to the royal family but they could get through it together. She tried to love the trolls and the demons and the ogres once again but they would never let her in because people like that are parent haters. They see no value in the experience of their elders.

Life gets in the way and steals time before you even know its gone. The Royal Princess thought there would be time for them to talk, time for them to share, maybe even a long car ride together where for once they could openly talk about the world they live in and how they all fit in. The Royal Princess likes to talk but she also likes to listen. She wants to hear if she is wrong and she wants the chance to defend herself against false accusations or just to say I am sorry.

The Royal Princess is crying now, getting tears of sadness and loss and dissapointment on her computer. A sudden realization of pain has taken over and kept her up all night while she was holding the hair of princess 4 while she puked her guts up all night. Yes even princesses puke.

Sometimes there is time and sometimes the time has gone before we know it. In our world time is temporary, unfortunately we have seen it be taken away without warning. The worst part of losing time is when you had the chance to make it better, make it right. Work on it to make your relationship with someone who actually loves you more than life stronger. It is very easy to blame others for what you are lacking as a person. It is always easy to blame the people who raised you because you know no matter what you do they will always come back hoping for one more chance to have you in their life again. You can whip them and scar them and abuse them to no end because that is what parents do, they come in at the end and pick up the pieces. That is the contract they signed with the stork.

And the Royal Princess is angry. Angry the little princess never thought I was important enough to have a conversation that could make things better.Angry that she searched elsewhere for that recognition that she was right and we were evil. Angry that she was willing to give up something that the Royal Prince and I worked so hard to create. Angry that in this world of divorce and pain and suffering the little princess chose to leave us behind and look away from us for love and support when that is all she ever got here.

Our royal family yearns for the return of our beautiful, smart, funny, amazing, hardworking princess. All of us. Seperately and together we long for the times when our kitchen table was the place to be. We told stories and played games and watched tv together, something that is apparently shunned in the ogre world.

I am not hopeful for her return. She is an avoider. Someone who chooses to walk away when there needs to be words said. Someone who looks into my sad pained face and asks for the keys to the car because she knows I would do anything to make her happy in hopes that she will love me again.

I have never for one minute thought that she was not smart. Never. I am not sure where that came from. I have always envied her easyness with others and her ability to make friends wherever she goes. Maybe I praised her too much for that and less for being smart. She is brilliant. Always has been. All the princesses are. All seperately. All with different strengths and weaknesses. The Royal Prince and I love our princesses but since he has no mind of his own he and I of course think the same thing about this. We are heartbroken.

This is a fictional short story, any resemblence to any persons real or fictional is purely by chance and is probably just the figment of the Royal Princesses mad cow disease. No animals were harmed in the making of this short story except for the damn royal dog who has insisted that we dont love her as much as the Good Dog we had years ago and who has asked to go out 3 thousand times in the making of this short story. I have to go let her out because she is crossing her royal puppy legs.

The End.

Snow much fun with a broken oil burner

2009-01-15T08:00:00.002-05:00

I know you will be shocked to hear this but we woke up this morning with no heat and hot water. yeah its like a monthly occurrence. Maybe the oil burner has PMS or something. That's what we need, another temperamental girl around here on the rampage and with revenge on its mind.

So I am home this morning, partly because I just couldnt see driving into Nassau county without showering and partially because there is a freaking blizzard and while I have seen them cancel school on the prediction of snow they chose to keep school on today. I guess they were short on money this month and needed the federal funding.

In any case... I am using this time wisely... to catch up on reading all my blogs that I have gotten behind in. I am glad to see that like me, without school work threatening to shut down my life, no one else has blogged much either. I start school again this week and this semester will be intense. I just got the information for my Cheyenne Language and Culture Class. It is going to be hard and am I prepared to meet with fellow students and converse in Cheyenne? I am not sure I am up to the task, what with the mad cow setting in and stuff.

Anywho... the point is I have had a month off to blog extensively but instead have not come up with one decent blog idea yet. Now with class looming and time becoming restrained the ideas are coming back to me. What is that about? Procrastination at its finest I must say.

So I was catching up on all my favorite blogs and I have to say they all entertain me. But I read the blog of one of D#1 friends in college with a postcard about punching people in the face when they ask about senior year in college. Read Hot Child in the City if you want to see it.

Although I did not go to college and at the age that these girls are at I had two kids I still want to stick my two cents in. Are you shocked really?

My heart aches for what these kids and my own child have to go through with the future so uncertain. I think the benefit I had was that I got married so young, I didnt have time to worry. By the time I had graduated high school I knew I wanted to marry hubby and I knew I wanted to be a mom. I started college the year I graduated high school and I wish I had stayed and finished so I didnt have to do it now but I think I knew it wasnt for me. I didnt have the sense to look that far ahead into my future and worry about what not having an education would mean for my life.

So at least in that sense you girls are one step ahead of me. You will always have that piece of paper that proves that you survived 4 years of stuff that only you know how you made it through, and I dont mean just the education.

Would an education have helped me deal with all the tragedies that befell our lives over the years? Well obviously I could never know that. What an education would have meant to me then and what it means to me now are two very different things. I learned about things by doing them because I had to. I learned hard lessons about money and people that still haunt me to this day.

The fact is... while it is impossible not to do it... looking back and looking forward are big time wasters. You cant change either one. You can be prepared for worst case scenarios but lots of times if you prepare for a flood you will encounter a drought. If you save for a rainy day, there will be a tornado. Life doesnt look at your preparation and say Ok... they learned this in school, and here is the task to accomplish.

There is a great story about having a special needs child. I think it is called Going to Holland or something like that. The idea is that when you prepare for a baby it is like preparing for a trip to Italy. You learn how to speak Italian, you cant wait to see the leaning tower of Piazza???, whatever, you look forward to pasta, and prosciutto and cannolis. You get on the plane anxious to land in this place that you have longed for your whole life. And then when the plane touches down, the pilot comes on and thanks you for flying and hopes you enjoy your stay in Holland.

Holland you scream. No I wanted to go to Italy. But its Holland where you are and after you stop freaking out you realize Holland has tulips and wooden shoes and windmills and being in Holland is not so bad. You sometimes yearn for Italy but Holland has nice things too. And you get used to Holland and you even learn to love being in Holland and before long you cant imagine life without being in Holland.

Is this making sense to anyone other than me, because I am having trouble typing as fast as I am thinking and I think it might be confusing.

Reality is a hard blow to our plans. Man plans,God laughs. Have you ever heard that before? You can plan every detail and just know things will turn out like you planned and yet someday you land in Holland and you cant speak the language and you dont know where to go and you worry.

and that is why it is not what you learn along the way... it is the person you become along the way... it is the way you handle lost luggage at the airport or a broken oil burner at 5 in the morning or an unplanned trip to Holland.

There will never be a way to make sure nothing goes wrong... but there will be a way to learn from every single one of those life lessons and make better choices every time.

Here are my suggestions for the future...

1. Teach people how to treat you and never accept less than you feel you deserve. If someone repeatedly disrespects you as a friend, a boyfriend, a parent, a sibling, a boss, an employee, whatever they will continue to do it as long as you allow it. And it doesnt have to be rude or hurtful, you just need to state in no uncertain terms that you feel you are being mistreated and you will not allow it anymore. But you have to be prepared to walk away because people just dont respond how you might want them to. They may feel embarassed by your confrontation of them or they may feel that you are wrong or they may just be people who are not willing to learn anything in life. It is up to you then to make that decision as to whether you want to continue the relationship at the level it is at or walk away. It may be equally as hard to choose but feel good about the way you leave it. Dont burn bridges. Leave or stay on terms you find acceptable.

2. Save for a rainy day. Start as soon as you get your very first paycheck putting away a percentage. 10% or 20%. Get used to living without it. You will never regret this decision. trust me on this one. A savings plan is something that I have just started now that I have turned 40. And for me its a little too late. I have tens of thousands of debt I have to pay off with that money. it came from years of saying... what the hell, lets charge it. Save save save.

3. Ok now this is going to sound like a contradiction to number 2 but try to put this in perspective. When hubby had cancer I decided everyday would count. If we couldnt afford to do something fun, we took the money that should have been for the electric bill and spent it on the FUN. Looking back, yes, I have a lot of debt that is haunting me, but heres the deal, I never regret one day that we took the money and spent it on fun. Not one. Those memories are what makes me smile right now as my toes are freezing from the cold because the heat is off. They will make me smile as I hand the oil burner repair man my secret stash of cash that I have been saving so we can go to Europe. And then I will probably charge the trip to Europe anyway because what is another 10,000 dollars worth of debt at this point. this may very well be our last trip as a family because D1 will have to eventually get a job and then D2 will graduate next year and go her own way. D3 and D4 will go off to college and life will just get harder to control. Its our last chance for this kind of life changing memory. Are you seeing my point here? You can put money in a cracker box in your pantry for Europe but when the oil burner breaks you have to take it out and give it to the man who holds the wrench. He has all the power.

4. Be willing to change plans mid stream. Dont ever feel stuck in a decision you made. D1 never like BU but she stayed. Maybe it was right, maybe not but the point is that at anytime that you feel that you have made the wrong decision, it is never too late to change it. This includes the person you marry, the job you land, the city you move to. I believe many people realize at the time right before they walk down the aisle that they have made a bad decision, But the guests are there, the band and the flowers are paid for and it seems like an impossible task to walk away and change your mind. You can!! I am telling you, I know people who stay in unhappy marriages and people who stay in terrible, mindless jobs because they dont know how to get out of it. Seriously, it is hard.The task may seem too enormous to even consider. When I turned 40 and thought about going back to college, I thought holy crap, this is going to take me forever. Or at least 4 years maybe 10 at the rate I am going. But here is the deal. 4 years will come and go either way. so will 10 years. You can start the change now and in 4 years you will have at least made a dent in your change. Or you may surprise yourself and be done sooner than you thought you could. The fact is nothing is so permanent it cant be changed, oh except for a tattoo with someones name on it. seriously think about that before you make that committment. You could end up trying to turn your I love Billy Bob tattoo into an I love Brad Pitt one and frankly that could take forever to turn Billy Bob into Brad. For serious!!

5. Always listen to your mother. Ok not always, but always be willing to listen to advice from people who have come here before you. It is very easy to deny that older folks like me have any value to what they have to say but really sometimes something may stick and you may be able to use it later. As a mom I never want to see my kids go through trauma. I wish I could tell you the right thing to do and how to avoid sadness. I cant... but sometimes I can say... seriously if this guy is a creep now, he will be a super creep when you are sitting in the cold waiting for the oil burner repair man or when you cant find your golf clubs at the airport. Listen and use what you need. That is what advice is. I advise you what I think and you decide what is of value to you and what isnt. Listen carefully though, there are hidden gems in the experience of your elders.

Ok... I think that is enough advice from me now. Dont stress about the coming years. there will be great stuff, there will be good stuff and there will be stuff that sucks the life out of you. Just know that you will get through each one because of who you are and the person you have become on this crazy road we call life.
What is it that they say? come into this world crying and all the people around you smiling and leave this world smiling with all the people around you crying. then you have truly made your mark here.

You are on your way... Its the journey, not the destination. Enjoy every minute of this moment because it will not come your way again anytime soon.

Slow and Steady wins the Race...

2009-01-07T09:01:00.005-05:00

Do you believe in signs? Ghosts? Angels?

I always have and while I dont always know what they all mean I am sure it is me who is just not understanding it clearly but if I just put all the pieces together maybe something will make sense.

A few days ago at work I referenced the story of the tortoise and the hare when I said to my friend Mike, something like slow and steady wins the race and he said "Really?" and I said no probably not but that is how we have been feeling at work, like tortoises. We burned ourselves out with our superior customer service during the holidays making sure all the overweight white trash women in the south got their bears. Now we are fried.

And we feel like eventually we will catch up again, slowly and surely. yeah except Mike had to bail us out yesterday of a giant hole but its all good now. Slow and steady.

So in the car yesterday D#3 tells me how they are studying the story of the Tortoise and the Hare in English to show how lifes lessons are taught through literature. Second reference, ok, a little wierd but probably just coincidence.

At work yesterday I proudly displayed my Biggest Loser calendar which is supposed to give Ellen and I inspirational tips for losing weight. Other than "Have your mouth wired shut" I dont have much hope for these little tips but in any case, being totally unable to follow the rules I looked ahead a few days on the calendar and it went on and on about the tortoise and the hare and in weight loss the only way to really lose is slow and steady, all tortoise, no stomach stapling, diet pill addict, liquid dieting hare. Just tortoise... slowly chewing lettuce. UHHH

So today I am sitting in my new morning spot McDonalds, and I am reading the second book for my memoir class and low and behold I get to this part and... yeah you guessed it The tortoise and the hare story.

Now I know you are thinking the same thing as me, what does this all mean. Is it that turtle soup is better for weight loss than Rabbit Stew?

Oh that isnt what you were thinking...

Well last night before this 4th reference hubby thought it meant I should walk to
7-11, which is like a mile away and buy a lottery ticket for last nights drawing. I assured him if it meant walking to 7-11 it was for Ben and Jerrys and not no stinking losing lottery ticket.

Slow and steady... what could this possibly mean.

Well for one yesterday my Wii Fit insulted me, like it does everyday by asking me why I thought I was so fat. No really it did. and then it gives you choices, do you eat too much?, do you snack alot? do you exercise too little? Well because there was no All of the Above answer I answered eat too much because I think that is the most damaging and it said maybe you should slow down and chew your food slower.

Then when I was trying to beat D#4's score on the dancing game, it said maybe you could improve your rhythm by stepping off the balance board slower. Really Wii Fit, maybe I should put you in the blender and watch you grind up into little tiny pieces and laugh out loud, oh you silly Wii fit maybe you should break apart a little slower.

I guess slow and steady does have a lot of meaning in my world. I am finishing school, trying to pay off debt and trying to lose weight. All those things I guess will take time but I have trouble with that...time....

when Hubby got cancer time changed for me. It really did. The future to me is always uncertain. Always. No matter how many years go by and how healthy hubby is, I will never make the mistake of wasting a moment today on something that I could easily avoid until tomorrow when it doesnt suit me.

I dont wanna....I dont wanna...That is my mantra. Actually is Ellens mantra but I am sure she wont mind if I stole it.

I envy the tortoise, having the ability to see the goal, see the future ahead and work at an even pace until he gets there. On the other hand, I love the Hare, Oh wait there is something I want, let me go full speed ahead until I get it...Oh wait something shiny. Distractions, beautiful, sweet, procrastinating distractions.

They both have their place in my life. I know I have to lose weight, I am just unhealthy and that is bad. But the long road ahead is too far for me to see. I need results. when the Wii told me last night I had gained 1.8 lbs this week, since Monday, I wanted to eat a candy bar. Slow and Steady? Screw you. Forget it.

But I resisted. And now I will dedicate myself to the long road of losing weight and hope I can slowly and steadily lose weight. Yes a sausage mcmuffin with egg is on the diet. It only has 300 calories. Yeah it says so on the wrapper.

Somehow though I want to race ahead full speed, spend all my waking moments playing the balance games on the Wii Fit and trying to break all the records and knock all the kids off the top spots.

Either way...I will spend the next few days obsessing over this sign from above or below or somewhere or someone else and maybe i will realize what it means or maybe I wont realize until years later, this is how signs are. Sometimes they reveal themselves, sometimes it takes forever. You are lucky if you get to see what the signs in your lifetime mean.

I know why hubby had cancer, I dont know why Tizzy fell or Jeff died, I dont know why my kids had to suffer through such tragedy but maybe someday I will understand the tortoise and the hare.

But for now I will look out for turtles and bunnies and make sure they arent sneaking into my house at night resetting my scales and taking up the top spots on the Wii.

Oh no you silly wabbit, Wiis are for kids.

New Years 2009..its gonna be a happy new year!!!

2009-01-01T09:22:00.006-05:00

That time of the year has come when we need to reflect on the past year. Laugh at how poorly we followed last years resolutions and make preposterous new ones that we will quit by sometime in February. I for one think the mania should stop.

Somewhere somehow all of these holidays that we now celebrate had meaning. They had spiritual meaning and community meaning.

Now just Hallmark meaning.

Even New Years. The diet books, the health clubs, the laser hair removal... all they want is our money.

Its a fresh new year and its a life marking. Another year has gone by and what have you done to make yourself a better person? What have you done to make someone elses life better? Can you look at the last year and say that you have grown (and not just in the waist)?

In my head I started this blog like this...

I wish I was 16 again...

I have a lot of reasons and I will continue with that thought in a minute, but this past year has been hugely successful for me on my terms. Last year before I turned 40{which is how I mark my time... in decades, the 80's being my favorite of course)I made a list and for the most part I think I accomplished most of the list give our take my own spin on them.

Here is the list:
Put all my pictures in photo albums
Go back to school
Pay off half of my debt
Lost 20 lbs.

So D1 spent months over that summer of 2007 putting my pictures into albums. I started school in 2007 and I have about a year a half left until I complete my Bachelors of Science in Biology and Human Services. I have accumulated more debt BUT...I am working on a budget now and it seems to be working. And I lost 23 lbs. (Yeah so I gained it back, there is nothing in there about keeping it off)

I feel like this year has been truly a good one, no one died, no one fell off a mountain and only one person I know got cancer and he seems to be doing well. That is how I measure my world. By tragedy. No big ones this year. Great News.

We safely avoided a major disaster with you know who almost becoming the you know what....

(sarah palin becoming VP)Whew that was too close for me.

I know some people will say that the economy crashing was not a good thing, but I think it really only affects people who had money to invest, no one who has all their money (12 dollars) hidden in a cracker box in their pantry.

Back to my reasons for wanting to be 16 again...

Although its a new year and I feel good about everything I have done this past year, the things I have to look forward to in the New Year are well, kinda boring. I dont mean boring in the sense they are meaningless or stagnant, I mean they are just not things that excite ME.

When my dog died in 2003, I tried to explain in therapy why that was so crushing. Besides losing one of my favorite children, (she never talked back or stayed out until 430 in the morning) it was the end of an era.

No more family of 6 with the perfect dog and the white house with the fence. No. It was gone. The life I loved was gone. I had opened the store and I was working 90 hours a week. The kids were growing up and moving on. My therapist tried to say that there would be new good things but honestly I dont see that.

Sure I look forward to the days when Hubby and I have some free time and we can travel and eat filet mignon because who cares when you only have 2 people to feed. I may even give Clover a piece(my new very bad dog).

And I am happy to say that Hubby and I do still enjoy time together. I am not looking forward saying Oh no what are we going to talk about when the kids are gone. Its not that at all.

I just have loved my life for the past 25 years.

I was 16 when hubby and I started dating. It was all new and everything we did was special because it was the first time. First date, first meeting the family, first holidays. We got married at 18, had D1 at 19, D2 at 20, D3 at 25 and D4 at 27. We bought our first house when we were 22 and 23. Then we bought the house we live in now when we were 26 and 28. We watched our kids go to school. I was a girl scout leader, class mom, pto member... all these things are things I loved to do.

Some of the kids still talk about the potato latkes that I made every year for each kids class. (you gotta spread the judaism where you can here)And our girl scout camping trips that blew all the other troops away.(yes I do recognize that this probably isnt the essence of girl scouting but man we kicked ass as a troop)

I loved being a mom. I still do but as my kids need me less and less, I feel slightly out of the loop. I am a pain in the neck when I want to know something I think my kids wont tell me. I am overinvolved, oversharing, obsessive compulsive and I just cant help it.

I spent years knowing their every move. Hubby and I were the sole influence in their lives until they went to school and then of course we taught them to secretly judge and stay away from the undesirable bad kids.

"Oh isnt that sad that that girls parents let her wear makeup in elementary school, they must not care about her, I love you too much to ever let you look that trashy"
and on and on.

In a million years I would not want to go back to high school. I did not have any good friends and the person I was is not the person I would ever want to be again.

But once I met hubby and he and I began the path to our life together, it has been full of... well its been full of life. We have lived.

And I know it is so easy to look back and see only the good things and gloss over the bad but I dont think thats true. I see the bad and believe me some of it was really bad. Some of it was probably the worst things I could ever have gone through in my life. I hope to never see some of the things that have happened to this family ever again.

But I know there are other things that I will never see again and that makes me so sad.

I am over 40 now. Halfway to death. On the back side. Everything i do now has to count in double time because its going quick.

I want to make resolutions, not for some personal fitness place to make money or a diet program to sell me cardboard food.

I'm Giving Up My Vices
I'm Going Back - Back To School
Eviction Or Not
This Week's Been So Hot
That Long As I've Got You
I Know I'll Be Cool

The plan I want to make is to become a better me by this time next year. I want to experience things that make me glad to be alive. I want to see my kids enjoy their life and not feel regret for the things I wish I did when I was their age, but never quite got around to it. I have to back off. They are moving forward like I did when I was their age, with a bright fresh look at whats to come and the endless possibilites that only growing up offers.

I am all grown up now. No more neverland for me. I have to head in the direction of adulthood for real. but maybe just maybe I can keep some of that childs spirit alive, maybe that is what keeps you younger longer. Maybe I can watch how they do it and put my own little backwards spin on it. Maybe you can too...

Tag your it!!!

Stop this Moment in Time

2008-12-26T07:05:00.004-05:00

Did you ever have a moment when you wished time would stand still and it would last forever? It has taken me so many years to appreciate those moments more because they come and go so quickly. Those moments cant be made. If you try too hard they may never happen. You just have to recognize the moment and you have to be there in the moment and feel the joy because those are the things that will stick with you forever. When you are old and the mad cow sets in, these things will come back to you like it was yesterday.

In this case, it was yesterday so its still fresh in my failing memory.

I have had those moments before but I have learned that they are few and far between.

I had one of those moments yesterday when we were driving home from Christmas Dinner at my sisters.

I was driving because Hubby had too much home made wine. We were listening to a cd I made hubby for Christmas and Journey Dont Stop Believin came on the radio.

Now the girls are squished 4 in the back of the car and it is tight and uncomfortable. D4 has ADD that makes her have to move around a lot and usually this trip is filled with yelling horrible insults like D4 why is your butt so big, and everytime D1 hiccups or burps everyone screams she's gonna blow. D3 sings loudly all the time and D2 is just always annoyed at whatever else anyone is doing.

So we are making our way home, journey comes on and everyone starts singing together. Hubby just looks at me and says, Arent you so proud?.

and it was a moment I wished could have lasted forever. We were all having fun and laughing and singing and of course I had a drum solo.

and then it was gone.

something shifted in the world and we lost the moment. Maybe the girls didnt even recognize it. For me its always when we are all together and there is talking and laughing.

Those moments come along less and less as the girls get older and they are not all together as often. And everyone has their moments of irritation at the others also.

Christmas is over for this year and the only thing left is the mounds and mounds of gifts, garbage and returns. I always feel such a let down when Christmas is over like why do we work that hard for one day. Why do we put ourselves in debt, shop endlessly and then it comes and goes so quickly.

It's because of the small moments like this one. The fleeting instances of pure joy that come when holidays bring us closer together.

I have been thinking about this blog for 2 days and just havent had time to write it and now I am not really happy with it but I am tired and hungry and think because today is my only day completely off for the rest of my life that I will go now and nap and wake up to this later.

I will because I can....

Blogger Block

2008-12-21T06:57:00.006-05:00

I may be having blogger block. I am not sure what happened. Last week when I was working 60 hours and finishing up my paper for Cell Bio and studying for my final and trying to keep at least obvious dirt from accumulating in the front hall because D#3's boyfriend has super clean white socks....

I had a million blog ideas.

Now I am like... well... not so much.

I am still waking up at the crack of dawn but instead of blogging I am just milling aroung wasting time.

I do want to complain about the post office that apparently lost two of my packages this year. And I work in an internet store and constantly tell people that they have to contact the post office directly but now that I am in this position I just want my stuff and I want them to fix it.

How can the post office be this lame? Seriously!!! packages constantly dissapear. everyday people call and tell me that their package says it was delivered and they never got it. and now i can say the same. i ordered two really special things and both of them have not arrived. Both of them came from the edison,nj post office to mount sinai where what a shock, they have dissapeared. How do I know my mailman hasnt stolen them? Mostly because you have no recourse with the post office. UPS has a tracking number and has ways to prove you got your package. Post office... no its a wing and a prayer.

They are so lame. During our busiest week ever, the post office web site was down. first it said on their technical site recording... yes we know we are having difficulties. then it said... yeah stop calling , we are broken. Then they just disconnected their phone number and posted a message on their website that says yeah we are still experienceing difficulties and use someone else to mail your packages. It was completely ridiculous and seriously what can you do? I wanted to send a rude email but we were afraid of retaliation. True story. The post office always knows and they are coming to get you.

In your sleep... like the clown from poltergeist.

cant sleep...post office men will eat me...cant sleep... post office men will eat me.

The holidays have become so much more painful over the years. I heard of one of D4s friends who was going to Hawaii for Christmas. We cant do that though because D3 made a rule that says you can only celebrate a holiday in the correct weather season.

No Christmas in Hawaii or Fourth of July at the North Pole.

Just cold, windy, sleety rainy weather for Christmas. and boiling in your face suffocating heat as we celebrate our countries birth.

I happen to be a celebrater. Have you ever encountered one of them before? I celebrate everything. I used to celebrate more when my kids were little and I had the ______________fill in the blank, time, energy, money, creativity, mind powers.

But I still believe in the celebration and let me tell you why.

Celebrations are fun. They have food. They have people. And even if those people annoy the crap out of you...You have a blog story. so you see. It's all good.

Celebrations are to recognize how special you are to me.

And without getting too morbid or creeper...you never know how many you have. For serious. Life changes in a split second. And its too late once... well its too late.

You dont have the chance to celebrate the last Christmas or Chanukah or the last celebration of your first date or your wedding.

Those days are special because something different happened on that day. You have heard me talk before about Groundhog Day. For the most part the days are the same. "You wake up and time has slipped away". You get up go to school, go to work, see your peeps. Whatever, but not much changes. When there is a birth... or death...or holiday...or someone gets braces or glasses... right after you call them four eyes or brace face...there should be cake and laughing. There should always be laughing.

I have been accused of being a 12 year old boy. Actually yesterday I was only 8 but that is because I had my nephew to make fart jokes with. And ps he is way more mature than I am. But... laughing is what keeps you young. Fun and funny, celebrating, it takes the sting away from the humdrum world we live in with mortgages and insurance and bills and breaking toilets. It goes away during a celebration. Even just for a minute.

So July 30th 1984 is when hubby and I went on our first date to Campus Heroes. And we celebrate it every year. We eloped on December 14th 1985 and we celebrate that too. We had our wedding on September 28th 1986, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. I remember each date that I found our I was pregnant and even though there may not be a full blown celebration, there is a mention and a story.

Life is short...Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Anyone Anyone...

so in conclusion....

when there is nothing left to procrastinate, apparently I will procrastinate blogging.

The post office sucks ass. And loses packages all the time.

And life is short so... Celebrate good times.

Come on.

Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead....

2008-12-16T21:35:00.002-05:00

Ding Dong...The witch is dead the witch oh witch, the wicked witch, ding dong the wicked witch is dead.

I dont know why I have the urge to sing this song now that I am done with school. Seriously, I dont think it has any relevance but I felt like it so tough noogies.

Anyway... school is over for this semester and after all my bitching and complaining and procrastinating... I got 2 A's and A- and a B.

yes the B was in microbiology but I did get an A- minus in cell biology. Mostly because I spent the last 48 hours watching, photosynthesis, glycolysis and thermodynamics for dummies on youtube. D3's boyfriend told me on Sunday about this incredible new phenomena...youtube... where you can watch videos, rap videos about protein synthesis... and other biology functions. Who knew??

And I am sure you smarty pants at all those good colleges are saying, really how can a 53 ever end up as a B. Well, its because there was a curve. My test was curved with all the smarty pants at Stony Brook. And some of them were taking microbiology to be doctors.

So there...

Anyway... I didnt sit down to blog, I sat down to eat cookies and watch the biggest loser. But seriously folks...

I am back.... in full force....

Look for future blogs of the time I lost D1 on the subway... songs that remind me of how mean I was as a kid, why oh why southern men are mean to me when their bears dont come... and many more....

See you later allligators.... i have got to sleep tonight because tomorrow...

we shop...

Do you remember the times of your life?

2008-12-13T04:57:00.005-05:00

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life (do you remember)

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part (comes the saddest part)
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Of your life
Of your life

Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life
Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life

"I dont know if you guys understand how much I appreciate and respect you both. You are always there for me and I am so lucky for that....I'm glad youve never given me away and although you've probably thought about it many many times before I'm oober glad you didnt" D4

"You teach me how to be the person I want to be. You are wonderful amazing people and I could not ask for better parents ever....I hope you both know how amazing you are and how amazing you are together" D3

"I have so much respect for you two and appreciate the respect you always have for me to allow me to make my own mistakes and decisions and learn from them. I feel so sad for everyone who doesnt have you two as parents. No one can possibly understand the loyalty and love we share in our home." D2

"Twenty three years and for twenty one of those you two have been the greatest parents someone could ask for. The example you have set for all of us is amazing.I know I speak for all my sisters when I say that we all hope to one day have a relationship just as successful as yours....so much of what makes you good parents are the small things that most people dont even notice." D1

"I wish I had a blog so I could write all the great things about you...I did want to reply to "What makes a man husband worthy?" with "What makes a woman wife worthy?" but I realized just saying "Marry Nancy" would be weird and unattainable since I took you off the market" Hubby

These are excerpts from letters that my family wrote to me as a surprise for our anniversary. Hubby had each of the girls write us a letter and D4 printed them out on beautiful paper. they were presented to me at my favorite restaurant along with 2 dozen of the most beautiful flowers and our wedding candle.

Since we have been married, hubby has been buying me a rose for each year we were married. These roses were waiting on the table for me when we arrived at the restaurant, Paces Steakhouse in Port Jefferson. We have not been there in four years. I cant believe I have lived that long without cold crab cocktail and the best filet mignon I have ever had.

The candle was given to us by the reverand that married us when we eloped in December of 1985. His name was Reverand Wentz and he had a little chapel in Freeport. We have burned a little of it each year but we are thinking it might be like the chanukah oil and last forever, even though it is about halfway burned now.

So we arrive to this beautiful table right by the window overlooking Port Jefferson and all the holiday lights. After a little toasting ourselves and how amazing we are, the maitre d brings out these envelopes. And they each contain letters to us from our girls. I just included little bits and pieces here but all four letters were heartfelt and precious. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride(and not like John Mccain felt for Sarah Palin). I felt proud of the people they have become partly with our influence but also because of the paths they have chosen and the hard work it has taken to get there.

And the card from hubby was titled "I want to share life's journey with you".

I almost feel speechless about this whole thing.

I know you would be worried about me if I didnt have more to say, but really I am totally taken aback at how special of a night this was.

I said to Hubby, I love you every single day of my life. And he said Well not every single day. And I agreed that the snoring takes away about 5 % of my love for him. I know it seems like a lot but sleep is seriously important and without it I am starting to be more forgetful than usual.

When we eloped 23 years ago, we had no idea what this journey would be like. We each knew we loved each other, had a committment to each other and respected each others feelings. The things that happen over the years are the things that kill relationships and make them painful and miserable. We get comfortable, lazy, complacent and that breeds contempt and taking someone for granted.(Dont take New Hampshire for Granite)(Thats a private joke for hubby)

The thing that makes Hubby so special is how far he is willing to go for my happiness. For cheeseburgers at midnight to hugging the maitre d. He steps outside his comfort zone and wants only to make me happy.

I am having trouble finding the right words here.

We were 18 and 19 when we got married. No one could possible know enough about life at that point to get married. I knew he was cool, had gorgeous hair and was heading into the Navy. He knew I could be mean, was going to Stony Brook and drove a cool 1972 Cutlass.

I kid around here but how much can you know about a person when they are that age. Could you possibly know that they would stick up for an entire staff of people just because it was the right thing to do? And get fired for it? do you know he would ride miles and miles uphill both ways on a bike in San Diego only to have you pass out at a swap meet? Could you know that he would respect your religious beliefs even though they are completely wrong and out to lunch and buy you a perfect stained glass jewish star for your window on your first celebrated Chanukah?

Could you ever know the way his face looked the day you gave birth? Four times, he had the same look. It is indescribable. Joy and love and pride. He treasured each child and finds ways to connect with them individually. How could you know that he would be the perfect "girl daddy"? And I am sure he would have been the perfect boy daddy too but luckily for us we never had to find out.

He has held my hair when I threw up, watched me go from a tiny little teenager to a middle aged fat woman and he has looked at me with the same love in his eyes the whole time. (except when I ran over his foot)

It is beautiful and new at the beginning. You meet, fall in love, spend time together and it is all good. You dont get to see the bad stuff right away, like how he acts around his parents or his friends. You dont know if he will be a hard worker and work two or more jobs his whole life so you can stay home and raise your children. You dont know if he will love you after all the unpleasant things like bad breath, and onion skin, and stomach viruses. You dont know that at the beginning.

In the last 23 years I am not sure there is anything in this world that hasnt happened to our family. Well we havent won lotto, hey wait I didnt check my numbers this morning. I could be the winner of 207 million dollars.

And you know what...not much would change. We would have nicer possessions but the letters that came from my daughters and hubby, those are priceless and no stinkin lottery is going to change that.

We have live through life and death, more times than is humanly imagineable. We have witnessed marriages and divorces and births and illness. Each of us has had at least one life threatening surgery. Each one of us has dealt with dissapointment and regret.

On nights like last one, it is easy to love someone. there was wine and conversation and flowers.

It is the days that you wake up and there is no heat and it is 18 degrees in the house and you bundle up, make hot coffee and chat while you wait for the heating repair man that then you know.

He is it. The man of your dreams, keeper of your world, life partner and husband extrodinare. He is your prince charming, the lenny to your squiggy, the laverne to your shirley, the brad pitt to your angelina jolie.

Time has gone by and every moment we have had together, be it good, bad or ugly, has been what makes us a perfect team.

He loves me...

and I let him...

Its all good....

What makes a man husband worthy?

2008-12-06T23:07:00.007-05:00

Really? You dont know what makes a man husband worthy? I have my rules and I have tried to brainwash my daughters into my way of thinking. For the most part I think they have listened, but I will never know for sure until they make the ultimate decision to choose a prince.

so my first rule is this...treat you like a princess. I know I have said this before but hubby has always treated me like a princess. always... even after last weeks unfortunate incident when I ran him over with his own car. and I was really sorry but he still loves me. Although I think it was touch and go for a minute. He said that was one of the only times he has ever been mad at me. Go figure... not the time I dyed all his Navy uniforms pink because I thought the white load meant all underwear and socks. I didnt realize that it meant the color white clothes. We could barely afford ten cent macaroni and cheese and we had to buy all new uniforms because apparently pink stitching on your Navy whites is not acceptable. No joke I think that may have been the first time I ever did laundry in my life.

Or the many times I have tried to smother him in his sleep so he would stop snoring. Or how often I make fun of his heritage.And the fact that I have called him four eyes since the day I was comfortable enought to say it and for him not to leave me. Or tell him his haircut makes him look like a cancer patient. And he laughs and says yeah well I am. and we laugh about cancer, because you have to or you fall apart.

so to be considered for marriage, yeah you must always act like a prince to your princess. That means do not sit there while my daughter takes out the garbage or watch me bring packages in the house. I am totally not a feminist. I could clearly carry anything I wanted or tile a bathroom but if there is a man around, yeah he should do it.

Hold doors, give up your seat on buses, trains, planes anywhere where there is a woman standing and a man sitting.

Protect me from danger. this includes lurkers at bars or restaurants, going down in the middle of the night to kill dragons, vampires and murderers who have obviously snuck in past our dog when we werent looking. When a man is coming on to me in a bar, stroll by casually and kiss me in a long passionate kiss right on the lips to make sure everyone knows I am only yours.

Ok, very important one. Make sure husband material is apalled by the smashing of cake in the face of the bride/groom on the wedding. This makes me sick. If any of my kids do this at their wedding I will instantly know the marriage will end in divorce. Telltale sign.

Say bless you when I sneeze, say thank you when I hand you a napkin, say please when you want something like dinner or clean underwear. Say everyday... you are beautiful and amazing and I am not worthy, because, lets face it, you are not.

Big important one... Will your man go out at 9 pm to get you lobster, ribs, ice cream, cheeseburgers? In a snow storm? At 2 am will he get you a chocolate shake and a large fries because that is what you used to do when you were young, in love and hanging out in bars until 2 am? And you are having a small meltdown because you are middle aged, fat and yearning to be 16 again? ok it was really only 8 pm but that is just because we are old now and that is not the point anyway.

Will he always respect you, always and treat you like you deserve to be treated? With love and caring and never question your decision to not make dinner again tonight because frankly you were just too damn busy. Or playing guitar hero. Either one.

Husband material... will accept your parents but never demand that you accept his family...will sit through americas next top model, one tree hill, and john tucker must die??? will open the car door for you, pay for the date and tell you you still look beautiful even after you spill coke and a meatball hero on you.

On your anniversary will he send flowers to the restaurant so they are on your table at the place you went on your first date, or the place you got married, or just anywhere where you are having dinner that night?

Will he never call you porky pig even though he had to order half of your meal when you were pregnant because you were just too embarassed to order the bacon, sausage, eggs, pancakes and an english muffin?

Ok granted some of these things would happen after the marriage but like one of my daughters now, she is asking the important questions. Will you get me lobster at 9pm, will you smash cake in my face, will you always say I look beautiful even after I spill my entire meal on me?

these are the things you need to know. Husbands dont just grow on trees. You have to train your own. You need to pick out their most annoying habits and put a lid on them. Now...before you have husbands with minds of their own, making decisions,ruining all your hard work...Train your man early... it takes time and frankly they could go rogue at any time.

Hubby and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We learned about each other and I set out on the task to make him perfect, to make him husband worthy, to make him a keeper. those kinds dont come around that often. when you see one you have to scoop him up and begin your work... just remember they are like dogs, sometimes they will forget and have accidents on the carpet, but you just get them back on track and someday soon you will have your very own prince...

Like me...

They say its my birthday...

2008-12-03T06:53:00.002-05:00

Its been one week since I blogged....

and today is my birthday....

and although I would like nothing more than to blog and eat....

I cant because I am a grownup now...

And I am 41...

And I thought after the horrendous act of turning 40 things couldnt get any worse...

I may have been wrong...

Groundhog Day...

Nothing ever changes...

Not even on my birthday...

Vomited, Barfed, Ralphed, Puked, Tossed your cookies, Driving the porcelain bus, Throw up

2008-11-26T05:34:00.005-05:00

I contemplated many ideas for this blog but as is always the case when everyone is together... the conversation turns to Vomit.

Everyone has a good vomit story. To protect the innocent I will not mention when these classic pukes occurred, just the stories themselves. because lets face it...throwing up is always funny.

to be fair i will start with myself.

I cannot even accurately describe to you how many times I puked when I was pregnant with D1 and D3. Every day, all day long, for almost 7 months. Literally everything I ate I knew I would be seeing later.

It got so bad that i had to make my choice of food based on what was easiest to vomit.

Hmmm...should i eat those really sharp taco flavored doritos that could slice me like a razor blade on the way back up, or those soft cushiony corn muffins?

dont get me wrong, i still ate the doritos, but I paid the price later.

I got pregnant about a month after we moved in together. We had been married since December, but Hubby was out on a Navy ship, picking up pieces of the exploded Challenger off the coast of Florida, touring Cuba and just in general saving our country from the bad guys. there were less bad guys in 1986 but nonetheless, the Navy thought they needed him more than me. We moved in together in May and I found out I was pregnant in July.

Newlyweds.

I was on my way home from work one day when I started throwing up into a McDonalds bag in my car. I threw up over the Tobin Bridge, all the way home. As I pulled up to our basement apartment in the ghetto of East Boston, I felt more vomiting coming on. I pulled the car into a space and ran for the door. I planned on racing into the bathroom but Hubby was standing there waiting for me so nicely.

Blahhahahahaha.... puked all over my shoes, his shoes, in a trail to the toilet.

And he still loves me even to this day.

I once ate an everything bagel and yoohoo. then i went shopping in tjmaxx. I was pregnant with D3. i will make it simple for you, there were a few unhappy people in TJ Maxx and i have not eaten an everything bagel or yoohoo in 15 years.

D1's famous vomit story: Outback... she orders fettucine alfredo...I know already you are thinking... mistake... but she was recovering from food poisoning and I think I may have convinced her that meat was a poor choice. We get in the car to go home and we start driving. We are not even out of the parking lot yet and she starts, hiccuping. Right away we are worried, because there is always a hiccup, a burp, laughing and then she blows.

So in order to keep the pattern going, hubby is screaming uh oh uh oh over and over again. D1 is laughing and saying, pull over I am going to throw up. hahahah. we laugh and laugh. She's gonna blow hubby screams, she's gonna blow. Really pull over dad, really, hiccup, hiccup, burp, burp, laugh, laugh, blahahahahah...in her defense she tried to roll down the window but it only goes down halfway in the back. I dont know something about child safety. Whatever... puke guard.

Well, she threw up in her lap... an entire plate of fettucine alfredo and cheese fries. It was classic. Of course we had just pulled out of the parking lot. Really. We laughed so hard we almost puked ourselves. when we got out of the car at home, she had full noodles and whole french fries in her lap. and clover ran outside for her feast of whole vomit. For a dog really what better meal is that.

D2's famous vomit story...ok D2 never vomits. Never. She is like Jerry Seinfeld. He hadnt vomited in like 12 years. But then....the black and white cookie. It did him in and seriously it was one of the funniest episodes to date.

JERRY: Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.

ELAINE: Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for the Times.

JERRY: Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie.

time goes by...

JERRY: Uh, I don't feel so good.

ELAINE: What's wrong?

JERRY: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.

ELAINE: The black and white?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Not getting along?

JERRY: I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there.

ELAINE: Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?

JERRY: I feel like I'm going to throw up.

ELAINE: Hey, what about your vomit streak?

JERRY: I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980.

so my point is she is not a big puker. but one time she was at a christmas party and just had way too many pretty, pretty drinks. She had a friend pick her up and apparently threw up in her car. The smell lasted forever even with multiple bottles of febreze. She threw up on her coat, her camera, her phone, D3's famous black boots and god knows what else. Her friend called D1 to come and secretly pick her up but we were on to her so Hubby went with D1 to pick her up. she was asleep on the floor of the bathroom, her clothes in a bag with her various vomit covered accessories.
that event caused a fight within her friends family that ultimately led to her friend being kicked out of the house on Christmas. The story continues and eventually the friend moved to Tennessee and got married. so if any thing goes wrong i have to say it is all D2's fault.

D3's vomit in a public place...so you read my story of how i ignored D3 when her appendix was rupturing??? Well anyway... she was pretty sick even after the surgery. But one day while she was recovering, I had this grand idea that we should get out of the house. I took her to Starbucks, got her a sugar free vanilla decaf latte and then drove through mcdonalds and got her fries. It was pouring out but I thought we should get some stuff from BJs. So I drop her off in the front of BJs and I go to park the car. As i am walking in the door I see her, head in garbage can puking her guts up. I am holding her hair and rubbing her back because really what else can I do at this point? When she is done, I took the garbage bag out and threw it outside in the big garbage bag. Then i say... do you think you feel well enough to go back inside?? Alright... I know... but I really needed dog food and shampoo. for gods sake, what did you want me to do? buy it in the supermarket.

D4's pukarama...we drove all the way to south carolina to stay in my parents condo. they werent there, just us. So we pull into Bob Evans for breakfast. As we pull into the parking lot, D1 is like I dont feel well. And she throws up in the parking lot. This apparently became a regular occurance because she threw up in the store parking lot the night before we opened and also I think in Walmart parking lot in Geneseo. Anyway sorry this is D4's story. So we say D1 can you make it into the restaurant? WE WERE HUNGRY. it was a long trip. huh! you are so judgemental. Well we go in and get a table and D4 at that time had a habit of waiting to the last minute and then jumping up and screaming, I am going to pee in my pants, while holding herself. So she says, I have to frow up...are you sure D4. Dry coughing and head shaking.... I grab her and run for the bathroom. But it was too late.. she started throwing up and I pulled her head into my hair so she wouldnt spew all over the restaurant. And she throws up in my hair. all the way to the bathroom. And then we cut the people in line to jump into a stall. Hey I am a new yorker, those crazy southerners have no idea what hit them. But D4 was worried, Blahahaha, mommy, blahahah, did we cut those people, blahaha, its ok honey, you are sick. ok blahblah. Now we call it Barf Evans, cause that is so funny.

Hubbys famous vomit story...we were at a wedding and hubby had way too much to drink. I never drank then because my blood sugar was so bad and my sister in law didnt drink because she was about 9 months pregnant with my nephew. So we were the designated drivers. it is a sucky job in this family let me tell you because everyone else drinks to oblivian. So we leave the wedding and hubby is in the front seat of my van. his family is in the back and I have to drive them from Hampton Bays to Ronkonkoma and yes that does mean i have to pass my house to get there. I am driving towards the hotel and hubby is passed out, And then I hear it...the dry cough and then... you guessed it... Total Barforama. Right on my front winshield. I roll down the window on his side, yeah i had power windows in that car. dont worry there were no bridges around. And he pukes all over the window, inside and outside. Vomit everywhere. When I drop his family at the hotel they run in and get towels. But it doesnt matter. There is vomit and vomit smell all over the car. When we got home, I stripped off his clothes, put him to bed, and then set out to clean the car. Boiling water on the outside, carpet cleaner on the inside. I was so pissed at him that night. When he woke up I told him he was dating his B1(brother 1)girlfriend. she spent the whole night hitting on him. I have to say right now its funny but at the time... no not so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STB4s7Qhf40

I dont know how to load videos yet so go to this link on youtube and watch this.

Bottom line is Barfing is always funny...no matter where or when it happens. and it sometimes is the highlight of any event. lets see if anyone tosses their cookies on thanksgiving. hahahaha cant wait...

Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T05:22:00.004-05:00

If you pay attention to the time of my posts... yes it really is 523am. I have actually been awake watching Boston Legal since 430am. Well really that was after my little doggie woke me up at 415am to go out.

anywho...Boston Legal is probably one of the best shows on tv. and i am pretty sure I am the only person watching it. which is why it is being cancelled this year. the impending doom has left room though for a lot of "in the cameras face" kind of jokes.

james spader: oh denny you'll outlive all of us
captain kirk: you think so?
james spader: of course you'll be around doing priceline commercials long after we are all gone.

They talk about heaven and whether or not there is one. Also when you go to heaven how old are you? Are you there at the age you die? James Spader tells Captain kirk that he thinks you go there at the age you are when you are at your happiest. The best part of your life.

the show has always been a platform for current topics but this year i guess they figure, what more can they do except cancel us and they are using every episode for some sort of political agenda public service message.

last week a girl was fired for voting for mccain. she wanted to sue her boss so james spader went to talk to him.

james spader: you fired her for voting for mccain?
funny boss guy: no i voted for mccain, i fired her because she is stupid.
james spader: you sound like you fired her for voting for mccain.
funny boss guy: i voted for mccain because of his economic plan, for his foreign policy, because i thought he could lead this country better. do you know why she voted for mccain? because she thought sarah palin was spunky. and that makes her stupid and that is why i fired her.

it was classic and of course any sarah palin slam makes me laugh.

in last nights episode, the whole happy "family" of the law firm is invited over for Thanksgiving Dinner. Of course with lawyers everywhere,an argument over racism ensues. James Spader gives a lecture on how racist this country is and how people who think its over because we have a black president are dead wrong.

At the end of the episode he talks about his own thanksgiving when he was young. His mother used to work serving others and his dad was a drunk. he often spent thanksgiving alone in his room. In his mind he says this is the thanksgiving he always dreamed of where people can talk to each other about controversial topics, and be in each others face, laughing one minute, angry the next.He loved the chaos of the day, and he was thankful to be there.

When i was growing up, thanksgiving was bring a freak to dinner day. I dont know exactly how it started or where some of the people even came from but over the years, strangers would often show up as friends of our family and of course, there was always enough food. One year my uncle brought a gay couple to dinner, one of them was black and the other was white. It made for interesting dinner conversation and although i was only 12 i could still feel the tension from that day. That was the year my mother put my sister and I on the Port jeff train to manhattan, alone, and had some random old man watch us on the train. We had to change in Huntington and we just followed this man, me, 12 and my sister 8. I guess things were different then, but we were not city savvy. Not like my kids who could easily show up in manhattan and probably even find their way to carmines. We went into the city and my aunt met us at the train. We went and watched the balloons from the parade be blown up and then went to a party with pot, gays and tons of liquor. We didnt stay long but the gay couple came and slept at my aunts and uncles and my sister and i slept on the floor as they slept on the pull out couch. i remember being totally pissed and vowing to "tell" when i got home.

Apparently it still bothers me because i tell that story almost every year.

Over the years, thanksgiving has become the day before the biggest shopping day of the year. It is just a vehicle to get to shopping. maybe i'll have a little something to eat, but i pace myself so that i can read all the flyers and plan my shopping extravaganza.

last year for the first time ever I took children with me at the annual 430am shopping spree. i have to say it was one of the most enjoyable shopping days i have ever had. We got on line at Target at 450am and waited until it opened at 6. We rotated getting warm in Best Buy which had opened at 5. D3 and D4 got us hot chocolate and coffee as we waited on line in the freezing cold. D1 and D2 met us way later, when they woke up. We had already been shopping for 6 hours when we met up with them and we continued until about 6 pm. We were on a mission and with 3 people ready to knock people down...you can accomplish a lot.

They saw the best and worst of people which is what i love about THAT shopping day. There are people who would give you the shirt off their back and others who would steal your Furby out of your cart if you kept your eyes closed too long when you sneezed.

So what will Thanksgiving be like this year? Its hard to say... there are the usuals... mom and dad... my sister, her husband, their two kids... our first thanksgiving with merrys D1,C2(daughter 1, child 2)last year we chose to spend it with just my parents. Hubbys sister and nephew...always difficult missing her husband on the holidays...and then maybe some freaks...maybe a long lost friend, or a new boyfriend or someone else I can drag up from the gutter.

In any case... the political conversation has come to a halt since my obama has been elected. there will be talk, but thats ok...because that IS what a family is all about. Talking, yelling, eating, arguing, eating some more...its what makes the day great.

And for the first time in many months, all my girls will be home together.

and nothing could make me more thankful than that.

Where for art thou Pluto?

2008-11-23T06:50:00.007-05:00

So D4 and I were sitting in the kitchen yesterday afternoon doing homework. She was doing Earth Science and I was doing Biology.

Want to trade D4 said.

No I hate that stuff I said.

Oh you don't believe in this either She said.

Yeah, I believe in it I just don't understand how anyone could spend their life studying rocks.

Stop talking to me I said I am trying to do my homework.

You are the one who keeps talking to me D4 said.

AS IF...really does anyone even believe that?

A few quiet minutes go by...

Should I include Pluto as a planet D4 says.

What do you mean I say.

Well Pluto is not a planet anymore but it still says it is in my book She says.

Great Job Mount Sinai having books that are so old they include Pluto...

Why did they have to get rid of Pluto I say, a little too intensely.

It didn't meet the requirements for being a planet she says.

Who had the time and energy to set out to prove Pluto wasn't a planet, why couldn't they just let it be, its been a planet for ever why did they feel it was necessary to fire Pluto as a planet. How do you think Pluto feels right now? Being fired away from all its planet friends. What could it possibly have done to be fired from being a planet? I said

Well for one thing D4 says, it isn't big enough to meet the requirements for being a planet.

Oh really I say... do we go around firing midgets from the human race? because they aren't big enough? Seriously, we haven't fired Jupiter for being too big. Is this some kind of prejudice against the small minority planet?

Mom, she says, it also doesn't revolve the way a planet is supposed to. The planets are supposed to revolve around in a circle. Pluto has no direction, it goes in and out of the blah blah blah, something about a belt named Kuyper, I don't know I never took Earth Science.

Oh so its a little off track, maybe it had too many drinks tonight after being told it was FIRED from being a planet. So it is stumbling around in the galaxy, lost and alone, all little and cute, maybe quite drunk and possibly getting lost and that's it? We don't care anymore? Pluto has been our planet for ever.

Do you remember when you first learned about Pluto?

My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles.

What is our very educated mother going to serve us now? Nothing! My very educated mother just served us nothing. You want to fire Pluto, fine, now Neptune is nothing in the rhyme. So there.

The fact that billions of dollars was spent to prove Pluto isn't a planet anymore lead to some other disturbing thoughts.

What if they fire mars as a planet? will all the illegal martians come here looking for work?

What if the scientist find that Alaska is too big to be a state, and they have to make it its own country? would that disqualify Sarah Palin from running for President again because technically she wouldn't be an American?

What if Pluto goes on to be something great and wonderful like the Wizard of Oz, will we want it back then and try to convince it that it can rule the world?

What if Pluto gets some of its previously fired friends from the Universe, forms a Galaxial Gang and comes back to get us with sawed off stars that shoot fiery rays and really cool weapons that they found after they got lost in the atmosphere when the Star Trek guys were out there?

Yeah these are the things that keep me up nights, or at least keep me from doing my homework.

Couldn't Pluto have been given a warning? Stay in line and beef it up or you're fired.

I think that would have been far more fair than what happened to our friend Pluto.

for gods sake, there is a Disney character named after Pluto. At least he will be forever in our hearts as we see that adorable dog of Mickey and Minnie running through the world, like nothing matters, lets hope some scientists don't get it into their head to fire Pluto, the Disney dog, because he doesn't stand up right like
Goofy.

and why can Goofy talk, but not Pluto? They are both dogs... has this been some kind of sick conspiracy against Pluto all along? What is going on here?

Oh Pluto, I will always think of you as a planet, just like I always call Rite Aid, Genovese or the shopping center over in Selden, The Hills Shopping Center. I will always call the DVD player a VCR and an Ipod a Walkman. I never forget the things that were here before.

That is probably what is clogging my brain from memorizing bacteria.

Low disc space

Facebook Stalking

2008-11-22T06:30:00.007-05:00

What is going on with the adults today?

Grow up. Move on. Seriously.

Here is a very serious question. When is it too old to create a facebook?

I am totally cool with...you started your facebook in high school, now 6 years have gone by and you still have it, but you dont update it everytime you change your underwear...

Nancy is...wishing it was 1984.

Nancy left a comment on your wall. You cant return to high school to prove to the cool kids now that you are some respected member of the adult community. They dont care. You are still a loser geek in the eyes of the kids today.

Here is the deal, our kids dont even really know a world without instant gratification. You need to talk to someone? You can reach them wherever they are on their pantech matrix or iphone. And if you have something better to offer they will ditch their plans for better ones.You can see what anyone is doing just by stalking them on facebook.

Nancy is "in a relationship" and "believes in her own new religion Nancyland".

Maybe I tend to be a little old fashioned. Just a little. I admit it.

My name is Nancy and I think technology ruined the world.

Hi Miss Nancy. Welcome to Old Fashioned Anonymous held in the barn with a gas lamp to light our way.

I am always the last to get anything electronic because... well I just always think I should wait for it to be proven before I jump on the bandwagon.

I had rollup windows in my car until 1998. I still have VCRs in my house because I am just not certain that whole DVD thing is gonna stick. When I ordered a new stove, I told the salesman, I dont really want a digital stove. I dont trust it. It could take on a life of its own and start roasting a chicken in the middle of the night. Lets just get it with the little clock and the knob so I have total control. No surprises from a rogue stove.

I broke down last year and asked for an ipod for christmas. Only because I ruined my mint collection of Shawn Cassidy and Michael Jackson albums trying to stick them into that small slot in the car above the radio. And my car didnt come with an 8 track player for my Neil Diamond tapes. Yeah its true I knew Michael Jackson when he was still black AND still had a nose, before the little boys.

I hate change. I love everything to stay the same. I order the same food from every restaurant I go to. I never try anything new. I got the same minivan 3 leases in a row. Ok one was purple, then green , then blue and I did finally break down and get automatic windows. But I still didnt trust them over bridges.

Yeah you think its funny? How are you going to roll down electric windows when the car goes off the bridge and is submerged in water? Exactly why now that they insist on putting them in every car, I make the kids roll down the windows when we go over bridges. You can never trust that ever changing technology.

Slowly almost every room in my house is becoming the same color. And not even completely on purpose. I just go to Home Depot and always come back with the same paint chip. "hey, that looks like the color from the bathroom?" "No I think this is cookie crumble, that color is crumbled cookie, way different."

I think boys should pay for dates if they asked you to go on them. You can graciously offer to contribute but only with the fake looking through your bag for money thing when the check comes. If they take it, ehhh, strike one. Actually that could be strike two if they didnt open the door for you to get into the car or the restaurant.

I wish I could be waiting at home for my hubby with a deliciously cooked dinner, pearls and high heels.

Well maybe not the heels.

I want boys to remove their hats in my presence, never ever curse around me and I want a handshake on a deal to mean something.

You know the good ole days. When we played in the streets and we chose teams. I dont remember it being so mean out in the street playing kick the can. When, if you werent good enough you didnt make the team but then you tried something else and you found your true calling. It forced you to look inside yourself for something else. You didnt just automatically get to be on the team so we wouldnt disspoint you.

Life before facebook,,,oh the good old days...

You actually had to call someone and ask them out on a date on their home phone. And when their Dad answered you had to say Hi Mr. Nancys Dad, can I please speak with nancy and ask her out on a date.

And the phone had a cord so you couldnt walk away to some private area, You stood right in the middle of the kitchen while everyone watched and teased you.

Ok so maybe I still have a corded phone. Once again, safety first. What if some killer broke into my house cut my electric wires and my cell phone was dead? Huh what then? Exactly, I will be calling the police on my corded phone and you will be dying a slow painful death in a pool of your own blood. Call me crazy but...I think I am on to something.

I think that the fax machine is the most magical creation of the 21st century. yes above internet and ipods because I can write with my own handwriting and send it to china if i want and they can see what I wrote. On paper. In my own handwriting.

when people go to give me their phone number I immediately go to look for a pen and paper and when people say why dont you just put it in your phone, i say, well... what if my phone loses it? I will always have this little piece of paper to rely on.

That is how I remembered to write this blog.

Little piece of paper in my back pocket.

No reminders from my phone.

I have recently discovered that many adults in my family, ok yes every one of them has a facebook.

My kids alerted me to that fact and then let me see a little of Facebook. I cant believe you can see every persons comments and conversations. It is like stalking really. You know instantly when people are fighting or "hooking up" or doing some other sleazy thing.

Here is my dilemma...Am i just shunning the forward thinkers of the world by not having a facebook? Is this like the corded phone, the rolldown windows and the vcr player? Am i making fun of them because i think its totally ridiculous that someone has time to update their every move or am i just hanging out with my friends from Old Fashioned Anonymous too much, driving our horse and buggies to our meetings, wearing our dresses and warming our hands in muffs, talking about the good old days, when your word meant something and you could only torture your enemies to their face and not with some mean bumper sticker...

am i THAT person... who refuses to learn how to use her new cell phone and instead screams everytime for the kids to help? who wishes we could still take handwriting classes and grammar in school so we would know how to write a letter and not reduce everything to text words? who thinks nice boys hold doors and pay for dates and are parent friendly?

I could never have a facebook anyway because my kids would never accept my friend request. I would be that girl whose only friend was Tom. Oh wait... that is My space, wow I am really behind the times.

that is fine I am happy to have a blog that lets me say whatever I want anyway, I dont even have to join the group, Adults against facebook.

And another thing....

2008-11-19T08:15:00.004-05:00

Ok i forgot the most classic and most recent part of the D4 story.

As her Bat Mitzvah was approaching, I feared an injury was on the horizon. Who wouldnt really with her track record? So I warned her every day. She was playing volleyball and basketball at the time. Dont fall I'd say, everyday. Billy dont be a hero I'd say. Let the other kids throw themselves on the floor for the ball.

the week before her and her friends Bat Mitzvah, her friend breaks her ankle playing basketball. She was on crutches for the million dollar party. I worried everyday. Stay safe D4. Okokok, she was sick of me saying it but seriously it wasnt looking good.

We make it to the morning of the big day. Whew!! She is showered(no razor cuts), her hair is done(no burns from the staightener)All we have to do is put the dress on and while that can be dangerous(because she grew a couple of inches since we bought it)we thought we were in the clear.

Foolish thought really, looking back.

We are all sitting on my bed about to get dressed and D4 is in the bathroom.

Do you know most home accidents happen in the bathroom?

Well she walks into my room holding her head.

Haha I say. Cut it out.

Um no mom I hit my head on the medicine cabinet. I think I have a concussion.

Haha oh D4 you are so fu........

she moves her hand away from her head and she has a cut across the top of her head that looks a little like a frankenstein cut.

I immediately calculate how long it will take to get to the hospital and realize we dont have enough time for stitches.

oh stitches, it will be her first time.

I'll have a new picture for the baby book.

You cant see it in this picture. The photographer airbrushed it out of every picture. I wish it were that easy to erase the heart attack she gave us though.

Mcdonalds, a hook in the head and a pink cast

2008-11-18T08:43:00.005-05:00

What do these things have in common?

You guessed it...D#4

In case you are a new reader, I have four daughters and being so ingeniously creative I call them D1 D2 D3 and D4. Hey I named them once already. It was too hard to come up with equally as beautiful fake names...

So... here's the story

of a lovely lady

who was busy breaking all her lovely bones

there were 4 kids

but shes the crazy one

and last night she ordered all our new phones...

If you know her you know the last line is in reference to the fact that she is the one we leave all the important decisions to. "D4, here is my debit card, go into Stop and shop and pick out our Ben and Jerry's flavors and make sure to use the stop and shop card to get the discount" She is always on top of that kind of stuff.

Here's the deal though... the kid barely has made it through her life...

First of all when she was born we were lulled into a false sense of our fantastic parenting... We had 3 perfectly behaved children. the kind of kids you don't mind sitting next to in any restaurant other than one where your food is wrapped in paper...Really, not just a bragging mom, these kids were perfect...

We patted ourselves on the back frequently and whispered about those "other" parents... you know the type... the ones offering anything to get their kids to sit down and take one more bite, whose kids are running through the stores and restaurants...its a shame we'd say... such bad parenting...

And then... dah dah dah DAH!!!! D4 is born...

she never slept for longer than 1 and a half hours. She ate literally every minute she was awake. And she grew... like the jolly green giant... she always knew she would be tall... based on the fact that she used to hold things over her head to keep it away from us... when she was 2...of course now she does it and... well she's 5'10" now, so she see what has happened...

Accident number 1...D4 is about a year old and D3 is not quite 3...Hubby is putting pajamas on them while I go shopping for Easter. I am not gone more than about 10 minutes when Hubby calls... you should come home he says.. whats the matter?...i rarely got out alone then and this was my chance for escape... i wasn't taking the loss of it lightly...nothing just come back...FINE!!!!!

so I head home and he is standing at the door with D4 and she is slipping in and out of consciousness. What the hell happened??? Well D3 was mad that Hubby had put her pjs on D4 and was pulling the dresser drawer out to get a different pair... the drawer pulled all the way out and D4 was laying underneath it getting her diaper changed by Hubby. bam, dresser drawer to the head....Concussion number 1

By the way... when we got to the emergency room she also had a 104 fever which had nothing to do with the accident just coincidence... Coxsackie... it was the first of many...

Accident 2: D4 is about 18 months old...never stops moving... hubby is pulling her around on the kitchen floor by her arms, Pop goes the weasel...or should I say Pop goes the elbow...We took her to St Charles emergency room where they xrayed it and said oh its just a sprain."Daddy broka my arm" she told them..by the next morning it was blue and it was hanging from her shoulder not moving at all. Go to the pediatrician... this is dislocated he says and pops it back in. Same hospital where just 3 years ago they killed my brother in law. We have been boycotting it since D4s accident. Don't go to St. Charles....

I wont bore you with all the details of the next FOUR elbow dislocations, rotating back and forth from arm to arm, but there was one on Labor day, and let me just point out, not a fun day to be in the hospital.. that one happened in walmart... D4 was always trying to escape and when you held her hand, she would let her feet go out from under her and hang. POP elbow out...Later on when we were scared to death of her elbow dislocating, she learned to let her feet go and we would let go of her hand so we wouldn't dislocate her elbow and then she would run. Once when D3 was trying to kiss her hand when literally I ran into the supermarket for one second and left all 4 of them in the car and D3 pulled her arm over the seat of the car and Pop. I was on my to Girl scouts that day with apples to bake apple pie and thank god my pediatrician was in and just popped it back into place. Nancy they said, you are going to have to learn to do this yourself... no way...I only play a doctor on TV, i cant put an elbow back in... Oh i didn't tell you I play a General Practitioner on TV, not an orthopaedist... once we were in a filthy bathroom...toilet clogged and filled to the top... and she was potty training so we had to go and I was trying to open the door to get out and hold her hand and she tried to go back and flush the toilet. Naturally i yanked back and pop out goes the elbow...As we exited the bathroom she was screaming...you guessed it... "mommy broka my arm"...

so due to circumstances beyond my control and my boycotting of St Charles... i went to 4 different places when her elbow was dislocated 5 times. my pediatrician calls...hey Nancy... i have been your doctor for 10 years by this time and i know you aren't beating her but somebody was alerted to the fact that i was going to separate emergency rooms with a broken toddler. Oh the many storied of D4.

McDonald's...we are on our way to D1 basketball game. Yeah I know you are all surprised to find out D1 played basketball. anywho... we are eating at McDonald's and we are letting D4 run around in the play place with a friend of ours son who is D2s age. So if D4 was 3 1/2 years old D2 was 10. They are playing in the brand new play place that is a giant climbing thing. D4 falls from the top through all the floors to the bottom and lands on her arm. I knew the way she was holding it that it was broken. She is screaming and crying and so we quickly usher her out. At the basketball game I ask my friend... do you think this is broken... hmmm... not sure....I bring her home and bath her...PS... don't put a broken bone in hot water...when hubby got home from D1s game we put her to bed and thought oh it is probably just sprained or bruised. She woke up at 11pm screaming.

It was Hubby's turn to bring her to the emergency room. We call it in advance now...when we see her doing something stupid...its your turn I say...It was my turn last time he says...oh I am not sure... did you take her for the concussion, which elbow did you take her for...and on it goes...

off he goes and lo and behold... its broken... here is where the story gets creepy...they want us to see an orthopaedist the next day to have a cast put on...it is picture day at preschool... i don't want her to miss being in the class picture and so...yeah i do it... i fix her hair and send her off to school with only about 4 hours of sleep and a sling packed in ice that the doctors at the ER sent her home with. I have really great pictures of this but I am not sure how to scan pictures into my computer so... only those lucky enough to know her have seen the pictures. We go back to McDonald's the next day and tell them that she broke her arm there the night before and they were not that nice about it... why did you leave then? um we had a screaming toddler... we didn't want to disturb the esteemed McDonald's guests... Why didn't you tell us yesterday.... yeah refer to reason one...screaming toddler... people staring... blah blah blah...PS we won a law suit against them because it was a new play place and it wasn't proven....and by the time she gets the money it will not even pay for one semester of college...

It was December 2nd. You know how I remember that specific date 10 years ago??? Because I spent all of December 3rd 1998 in the orthopaedists office waiting until they could fit us in. All day... oh you don't know what December 3rd is. December 3rd 1998 was my 31st birthday. And we got there sometime around 11 and left somewhere around 4pm. With a little girl with a cast on....Broken arm #1

Good news about the broken arm though...it stopped the elbows from dislocating....coincidence? i think not...

Christmas 1998... yeah just a few weeks later...we get the biggest Christmas's tree ever... it is so big we have to put it on the side of the living room with the 14 foot ceilings. We are eating dinner downstairs when we hear, crash, boom, "Uh oh"... are you OK D4? The Christmas tree fell she says... we race up the stairs and she is under this giant tree. Hubby lifts the tree off her and we look at her and she has an ornament hook sticking out of her head...thank god it was just caught in her hair and not her head...there were broken glass ornaments all around her...

when they took her cast off in early January there was one lone pine needle stuck in the cast... unbelievable...

you wonder why i am so neurotic today... living with her was like being in Vietnam... you never knew when someone was gonna sneak up on you and bam drop a tree on your head...

There were years of illness and injuries. Things it would take me a lifetime to tell. I am going to skip forward to the next two big ones... the rest I will leave for another time...

January 2007... we take my sister in law and go to watch D4 play basketball in Northport. 4 seconds into the game...she trips backwards over another player and lands on her elbow. She plays still. She fouls 2 more times in such a short period of time the coach takes her out. I can see the way she is holding her arm and I look Hubby straight in the face and say... I think its your turn to go the emergency room. What? No. She's fine. Yeah we'll see I say.

The coach wants to put her back in and she is asking me with sign language across the court...I say, in sign language...come here(basically that means I wave) she comes over holding the arm like it may fall apart if she lets go. Are you OK I say as she walks over and she starts crying... it really hurts, she says. OK lets go, No she wants to stay for the rest of the game. We stay but she cant play. We leave and head over to the ER. D1 comes and gets me from the emergency room and we leave hubby behind with her (it was his turn) and he calls uh yeah D4 has a broken elbow. Holy cow... I try to call the orthopaedist the next day and they say... oh no no a broken elbow... you have to wait a week for the cast to go on, its too swollen.

A week later we see the orthopaedist and they put a cast from her fingers to her armpit. A pink one of course. After all... she is my kid...

Scary part is that a few weeks later, the cast is hurting her so bad. yeah turns out she is growing. Which is actually something they told us about when they xrayed her. "this kid has a lot of room in her growth plates" the doctor said...

Now... best story ever... sick and sad... but a story to tell

D3s Bat Mitzvah was in June 2006. The Monday after the Bat Mitzvah as we are all barely recovering from the weekend we are just hanging around home. I am on the phone with my mother downstairs and D3 and D4 are upstairs. D1 and D2 are in the living room watching TV.

All of a sudden we hear D3 screaming, "D4 fell and she is not breathing"... I drop the phone and race upstairs. D3 who is a tiny little peanut drags D4 into the hallway. After she tries to shake her awake. Not the ideal thing for a head injury. I come up the stairs and she is sitting up at the top of the stairs having a seizure, holding her arms straight out in front of her making some weird sound that was like "HUUUUUHHHUUUUUHHHHUUUUHHHH" It was a horrible sound. Call 911 I scream. Tell grandma we will call her back and call 911.

D1 picks up the phone and then races off into the bathroom to throw up... D2 calls 911 I think.. I should know this... I don't remember...

D4 starts to come out of it and I realize that there is an ambulance on the way and
D4 is lying in the midst of two weeks of dirty laundry. Oh honey come with mommy. I cant breathe she is saying... OK honey lets just move you down a few stairs until we are away from the dirty laundry. Step away from the laundry.

They take us away by ambulance and guess what... Concussion 2.

How did it happen you ask? The wheelie chair. The damn wheelie chair.

D4 wanted D3 to put something in the closet and she wouldn't...so D4 dragged over a wheelie chair and stood on it. It went out from under her and she fell straight back onto the hardwood floor. Unconscious, Seizure, Concussion.

Our first ambulance ride.

I should have taken a picture for her baby book.

I rode in the ambulance... and hubby met me there.

I am pretty sure it was his turn.

This is why I can never diet

2008-11-13T17:40:00.003-05:00

Here is why I cannot possibly diet or excercise....

By the way...thank you for all your comments on what to blog next...I will write about them all in time but now... I must bitch and complain... because that is what I do

Here is my day and yes all of you who annoyed me today...be sorry... cause now its public for everyone to know...

I wait and I wait every morning for D3 to go to school because I have to drive her 80 miles per day...and she takes her sweet ass time...so we left late which meant that constant feeling of racing around to get there on time and avoid the POPO because I have an expired inspection sticker...so off I race and I am tired, cold and hungry because I only ate soup last night because I had to take D3 to violin and try desperately to study which I should be doing now instead of blogging.. but i have to let off steam because I could kill someone...so I eat a giant blueberry muffin this morning dripping in butter because Monday is the day of our new diet and I may never have blueberry muffins with butter again...and then my friend calls and we talk about kids and how annoying they are... and then I go to work... which was the highlight of my day...because we eat, we talk, we make fun of bear people....i am annoyed because hubby wants to know our weekend schedule which means he either has something to do and doesnt want to say or he doesnt even have a clue what a ridiculous weekend this is... so I race out of work to go to the doctor who tells me that what I went to complain about is all in my head because there is no evidence of my complaint and I am like well i think its real and she says do you want to come back in 6 weeks and I say yeah and she says are you sure it will the holidays and you will probably be really busy and I am like yeah i'll make time because I am not making it up you stupid midget troll.... then I leave there come home and try once again to get my cell phones renewed...But before i can do that i check my messages and there is a message from my doctor who says call back and when I call back I am on hold because they cant find my chart and they are like you have a urinary tract infection and I am like yeah i told you that when I was there monday and on monday they said well we'll see young lady and we will culture your urine and if it comes back postive then and only then will we give you antibiotics and I am apparently a cipro drug seeker so....the nurse says ok we called in your prescription to the number you gave us and I say i didnt give you a number and she says oh have you ever had prescriptions called in before and i say yeah and she says oh its probably there, call me back if it isnt... and I say... you do know I am allergic to sulfur right and she says ooh let me check... hold hold hold... yes it does say that on your chart...sorry i am new here....so i get off the phone with her andI sign on with online chat at ATT and say hey I am a long time att customer why cant i get the discount and she says those are only for new customers... and i say well i will go be a new customer at Verizon then and she says here call this number they may be able to waive the fee... and so I do but they transfer me 3 times and my phone is beeping and it is D1 and she is sick and so she doesnt want to hear me complain about all this crap... and i am like pick a new phone, I cant get yours i dont know why because its not available in ny now and she is saying ok ... and i say look for a computer too and she is losing her patience with me as nicely as possible but I am like... you know what I have homework and work and laundry and a filthy house and way too much stuff to do...and D4 is throwing dirty tissues at the garbage and missing every time and then the dog is running away with it and eating snotty tissues... and I try to call D2 but she isnt answering so I am getting her a blue phone even though I dont know if thats the color she wants and I have too much on my plate...and sarah palin is all over the news and i just cant stand her face and that she thinks god is opening doors for her to be president...and i am trying to make dinner... which consists of pasta and broccoli because i just dont feel like cooking and I am hungry and I want cake and ice cream and...

that is why I can not possibly diet and when should I exercise?...no not instead of blogging...NOW... should I go now instead of dinner...or instead of homework... or instead of Survivor...or when huh when should I go??? at 5am... and when I am this stressed out should I eat salad... or tofu...or sprouts..no of course not... I should eat candy and cookies and cake and ben and jerrys...and i will until monday...when all hell breaks loose in the basement or should I say us elephants break loose and trample the boxes as we race up the stairs to the call of ...

SALAD??????UUUHHHHHH!!!!

Too much homework

2008-11-12T09:36:00.003-05:00

TOO MUCH HOMEWORK... CANT BLOG....TOO MUCH HOMEWORK... CANT BLOG.....TOO MUCH HOMEWORK....CANT BLOG....

But..........

When I think of a blog idea I write it down on anything that is near me with anything I have to write with...little pieces of notebook paper, napkins, crayons, markers whatever...

Lately people have been discovering my secret blog ideas when they fall out of my jeans that are laying on the floor in my room or near the washing machine...

Hubby was like... I found a small piece of paper that says...men, high heels, getting stuck in their clothes...oh throw it out I said... I already wrote about that...

To keep you interested here are some upcoming blog ideas I am going to write...

D#4 and all her trips to the emergency room...

songs that remind me of stuff

more disturbing news stories

our family cruise

my girl scout adventures with each of my daughters

growing up in a house of hippies

and my very favorite and hopefully my next blog...

ham and hormones...

that is actually on a piece of paper in my back pocket right now...

feel free to let me know which one you would want to read first... i am open to all suggestions as long as you dont ask me to write about sarah palins famous moose chili... of course its real... ok ok add that to the list...

see ya... health pyschology and multicultural social work await...